I’m sick of being scared. Scared to feel. Scared to let someone in. Scared to say the wrong thing, to be too much, to fall too fast, to get hurt. I’m sick of holding back when I first meet a person, or walking on eggshells when it comes to being with someone. I’m sick of thinking I have to adapt myself to fit what another needs, or not show all the complex pieces of me until it’s ‘the right time.’
I’m sick of overthinking, sick of wondering whether I’m ‘doing this right,’ sick of being timid when it comes to relationships because I’ve been cautioned to be so guarded and careful and cold.
I’m sick of not loving with intensity, with passion, with recklessness that is borderline foolish. I’m sick of worrying so damn much about whether this is going to work. I just want to fall. I just want to try.
We’re conditioned to be so different when it comes to relationships. We’re told that we have to be less, that we have to be calm, that we have to be poised and reflect only the best parts of us. We’re encouraged to be skeptical, to hold people at arm’s length, to not be too much or too wild or too soft.
But I’m so sick of living, of loving like I’m fragile.
I’m not afraid of giving myself to someone else. I’m not afraid of testing the waters and learning who someone really is. I’m not afraid of growing with someone, changing together, becoming new. I’m not afraid of falling or getting my heart broken. I just want to experience something real.
And I know that real love only comes when you take chances, when you let go of expectations, when you stop trying to be so damn perfect and just be who you are. I know that real love only comes when I’m true to the feelings in my heart, regardless of whether they’re too much or overwhelming or too soon.
I know that real love only comes when I abandon all fear and say, ‘I’m all in.’
So I’m all in. For the craziness. For the first moments of infatuation and butterflies. For the ways I will learn someone slowly, quickly, deliberately, and all at once. For the fights, for the mess, for the ways we will hurt one another along the road. For the potential we both have to get completely broken.
Still I will choose to love. Because I am not afraid.
I will hold hands. I will kiss lips. I will be my imperfect self. I will give my heart freely to someone who feels and treats me right. I will not settle for less than I deserve. I will not stand for mistreatment or abuse. I will be true and honest and love with intensity. I will be open and vulnerable and stand tall in the face of heartbreak.
And if I end up broken, I will pick myself up and brush myself off. And I will continue to love, damn it. I will continue to love.