I hate not knowing. Sometimes I try to play it off, like I’m the kind of person who can live day-to-day without considering the future, like facing the unknown is easy, and I’m comfortable with putting one foot in front of the other and stepping until I find a firm path. Sometimes I try to pretend that not having all the answers means I’m allowed the freedom to make mistakes, to walk with ease.
But I’d be lying if I said that’s how I like to live my life.
Though it’s a breath of fresh air to not have to worry about where I’m going, to let go of the plans and goals and focuses I keep so tightly tied around my wrists, I’ve always been the kind of person who finds value in being organized, planned, and prepared. I’ve always prided myself on the way I am led by a combination of mind and heart, thinking things through as much as I can and then letting my heart be the guide. But it’s hard to not worry, not wonder. It’s so damn hard.
There are so many things in this life I can’t wrap my head around. There are so many people, relationships, moments, situations that don’t make sense, or that I can’t change. But lately, I’ve been trying to teach myself to slow down, to breathe, to accept, to trust.
I’ve been trying to teach myself to release what is not meant for me and let life play out without my interference. I’ve been trying to teach myself how to love people from a distance, to step back when my role is to support on the sidelines, rather than hands-on.
I still struggle with knowing how much of my heart to give, or whether I should stay or leave. I still have a tough time knowing how I’m supposed to trust my God when His plan isn’t always tangible, or even understood.
There are some days when I know nothing, and the future looks like this wide open, scary space that is intimidating rather than exciting.
But today, tomorrow, and the day after next, I’ve chosen to see the road ahead as a promise of hope. Of possibility. And I’m going to trust that path—wherever it may lead.
I acknowledge that there are some things I can’t plan for. That I have no control over the actions and decisions of the people around me, and how that will affect my own heart. I acknowledge that life might take turns and twists on me, and no matter how grounded I feel, my foundation may still shake. I acknowledge that I don’t always know what God wants for me, or why I feel so alone, even when I know He’s with me, but I will still continue to walk with His truth in the forefront of my mind.
I acknowledge that an unknown future is terrifying, but I will believe in the goodness and positivity and walk with confidence. I will believe in people, in love, in truths that are shared with me. And I will willingly give my heart.
The future won’t always sparkle; it won’t always shine. There will be moments where I scuff my shoes, where I trip and slip into the dirt, when I lose my footing completely and fall flat on my face, but I can always regain my balance, rise to my feet, and step forward again.
So I am trusting in the road ahead. I know that my Father will lead me, and I know that wherever I am is where I’m meant to be. I know that there is so much that lies right outside my realm of control and comfort zone, and I’m choosing to embrace all those things with a smile on my face.
I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen, where I’ll go, or if I’ll be happy. But instead of worrying over what I cannot change, mold, or shape, I’m going to step.
Because that’s all I can do. And because life’s too short to forever wonder ‘what if.’
So this is me acknowledging that life is meant to be lived and I will live it. I will take this step. I will walk this walk. I will stand with my head high and my heart beating strongly.
And I will trust this road, wherever it may lead.