You Want Him, But He’s Not What You Need

You want those strong arms wrapped around your middle. You want that sideways grin, that contagious laugh that always brings a smile to your face. You want those dangerous eyes, always switching their focus between you and someone else.

You know that he’s not right for you, but you can’t help but long for him.

He has broken you a time or two before, said words he didn’t mean, made promises he didn’t follow through on. You put your trust in his hands and watched helplessly as it slipped through his fingers. You cried as he walked away and didn’t even try to pick up the broken pieces.

You pretend you don’t notice him absentmindedly scrolling through his phone when he’s with you. You ignore the messages from other women that are constantly filling his screen. You write off every unanswered text as he’s busy; you make excuses for why he can’t meet you or keep your dates.

You know he doesn’t treat you right, you know he falls so short of the love you deserve, yet you’re scared to let go of him.

For some reason you convinced yourself he’s a good guy underneath his layers. You’ve told yourself that it’s your duty to remind him of who he is, to bring that wonderful man out of him.

You’ve made it your personal job to teach him how to care a woman, but that’s not how love should be.

Yet you’re convinced that somewhere inside of are true feelings for you. You think he’s just scared to fall so you’re waiting, hoping, wishing he’ll one day take notice of you.

You know that day won’t ever come, yet you keep holding on.

You stand on the sidelines as he flirts with other women. You watch him playfully kiss and laugh and live as if you don’t exist. You stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder what’s wrong with you. You replay past moments on a loop, hating yourself for letting him treat you how he does, but hating yourself even more for giving in to his lies again and again.

You’ve gotten caught up in his affection; his attention matters to you, fuels you, fills you and you don’t know why. In the back of your mind you know he’s just playing games, you know he’s not invested, his heart isn’t true.

He’s comfortable, he’s what you’ve known, he’s what you want. But he’s not what you need. Because he’s a man who cannot give his full self to you; he’s a man who can’t commit.

You enjoy the familiarity and don’t want this to change. You’re scared of the unknown. You’re nervous that when you truly let go, you won’t find anyone else. But it’s that fear that’s keeping you from happiness because once you walk away, your life opens to possibility. Because once you walk away, you are free.

He has the potential of being a good person, we all do. But he’s not living up to that kind of man. You’ve given him chances, you’ve stood by his side and encouraged him to rise. You’ve given yourself, over and over, only to end up empty.

And it’s finally time to let go.

You don’t deserve a half-hearted love. You don’t deserve someone who can only promise you pieces and not the whole. You don’t deserve someone who’s walking around investing time in other someones. You don’t deserve a person who can’t commit.

You don’t deserve to settle for a man who’s treated you poorly, who hasn’t appreciated what he has, who treats you as if you’re something he can discard when he’s tired or bored.

You may want him because you’ve fought for the relationship for so long, because you’re invested, because through all the pain you’ve been through, he still matters to you. But honey, you deserve real love. And this is not it.

So I hope you choose to walk away. I hope you remind yourself of your worth. I hope that you know the kind of love, the kind of man you should be, despite how strong your feelings are for him.

I hope you find the courage to seek true happiness and not settle for anything less.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.