I Don’t Want Casual, I Want Real

I don’t want to be the girl you kiss across the bar. I don’t want to be the text you ignore on Friday nights, but respond to on lazy Sundays when you have no other plans. I don’t want to be the person you think about when you’re lonely, when you want someone to fill the empty space on the other side of your bed.

I don’t want to be the ‘sometimes,’ the almost-but-not-quite, the more-than-friends-but-not-a-girlfriend, labeled with a smirk or brushed off when I’m brought up around your friends.

I don’t want whatever this is—whatever the world labels half-love, half-a**ed, non-commitment—because I don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t all in.

I don’t want casual. I want something real.

I want to fall in love with someone who wants to learn every part of me, who asks about my past and wonders about my future, who lays down and listens to the stories that run through my mind. I want to fall in love with someone who is curious, who wants to discover parts of me I didn’t know I was hiding, and unfold his secrets out to me, one by one.

I want to fall in love with someone who isn’t scared to fall.

Someone who doesn’t hesitate before every kiss, or question every touch. Who doesn’t think of the past before reaching out to me, who doesn’t hold me accountable for the pain from his last relationship, who trusts me, without question.

Someone who knows what he wants, and knows that he wants us. Who isn’t too afraid to step forward, to reach for my hand, to claim me as his.

I want to fall in love with someone who is passionate.

Someone who won’t settle for only seeing me from ‘time to time’ or when he’s bored, but someone who will initiate plans as much as I will. Who won’t back out last minute. Who won’t just call when it’s late at night and he’s a few drinks in.

I want to fall in love with someone who wants to grow—with me, alongside me, together. Someone who is continually journeying with me, not afraid to try new things, to mess up, to give his whole self to me without regret.

I don’t want a relationship that can’t be labeled, a connection that has no commitment nor promise of a future. I want someone whose heart I can hold.

I don’t want casual. I don’t want random dates or hookups. I don’t want moments that are only beautiful when we’re together, but quickly forgotten when we’re apart. I don’t want to be a ‘thing’ instead of a couple.

I don’t want to be just a number in a call log, just another text on phone screen. I don’t want to be someone regarded as ‘temporary,’ as ‘fun,’ as ‘that one girl.’

I want to be the girl.

And I want something that matters, something that’s special, something that’s filled with affection and care that goes far beyond the physical.

I want promises and a future.
I want together, committed, passionate.
I want love.
I want real.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.