Maybe For The Moment I’ll Be Directionless

Justin Tietsworth
Justin Tietsworth

We’re so obsessed with knowing. Knowing who we are. Knowing where we’re going. Knowing how the future will play out, or who we will fall in love with. Knowing what we’re meant to do or where we’re supposed to end up. Knowing the person we should be, the person we are, the person we will become.

We want to know everything.

And so much of my life has been lived that way – searching, looking, wanting.

I’ve been on a constant loop – a record on repeat – scratching the vinyl, droning on and on in seamless static. I keep thinking that if I try hard enough, if I push myself a little more, I’ll figure this whole thing out. I’ll understand what path I’m supposed to be walking on, what steps I’m supposed to take.

I’ve always been one to plan, to lay out the map before me and plot out a route. When it comes to the unknown, I’ve struggled. I want to know. I want to understand. I want to choose.

But what I’ve realized is I don’t have any control.

The universe controls my fate. My God paves the path of my life. Sure, I have my own choices and will; sure I can pick whether to turn right or left, but ultimately I cannot decide who will stumble across my path. I cannot choose what will happen to me, good or bad. I cannot plan for the unforeseen, the accidents, even the moments of joy.

And as soon as I accept that, as soon as we all accept that, maybe we’ll learn that true happiness is freedom from the chaos in our own minds.

Our heads play tricks on us. Our brains are rational; they want to have answers and make decisions. They value control, order, and understanding. And when we don’t have that, they make us feel anxious or scared or stressed or nervous that our lives are spinning out of control.

But they’re not.

Our brains tell us that we must have the answers, that we must keep up with everyone around us, that we must search and search until we know. But we can’t know everything.

And maybe it’s not about us knowing everything.

Maybe it’s not about the discovery, but about the journey to get there. Maybe it’s not what we know, but what experience along the way.

Maybe we’re totally and completely fine – right where we are. Our brains are just telling us differently because they want us to have the answers. Answers that we’ll only gain through actually living, rather than planning.

Maybe you don’t have to have a map, a plan, a set direction. Maybe you can close your eyes and trust, bow your head and pray, take a deep breath and know that you’re meant to be right where you are. And believe in yourself and the process.

Maybe life is about expanding – your mind, your experiences – and diving into life rather than trying to fully understand it. Maybe we’re not meant to know or to have because this will come to us naturally, as we continue.

Maybe for the moment I’m putting down the rule book, I’m resting instead of searching, I’m trusting that my God, the universe, my intuition knows who I am and where I’ll go.

And I’m walking forward – directionless.

Maybe we don’t have to know where we’re headed or what will happen – because we won’t know these things. Maybe we’re just supposed to follow the tugs in our hearts, the messages from our gods, the paths that are calling our names.

Maybe, in this moment I’ll let go and just be.

Maybe this is what true freedom, true faith, true living feels like – and I invite you, come join me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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