I don’t want to be the one you call when you’re stumbling home from the bar and want to fall into a warm body.
I don’t want to be the person you text when you need a date for the night, someone to stand next to, someone to fit the part.
I don’t want to be the hand that rubs your back and comforts you to sleep when it’s 3AM and you’re feeling vulnerable.
I don’t want to be the voice at the other end of the telephone when you just need someone to listen because she doesn’t answer anymore.
I don’t want to be your second best, your for-the-time-being, your parachute, breaking your fall. I don’t want to be the girl you need, but don’t really want. The one who covers over the empty spaces in your heart but doesn’t fill them.
I don’t want to be the one you lie to, and make promises you can’t keep.
I don’t want to be the one you use to pretend you’re not still missing her.
I don’t want to be the one you love just because you’re lonely. Because that’s not love at all.
You’re wasting time with me. You’re milling about, acting like the bruises don’t ache. You’re looking at me, but only seeing her. You’re wishing for love, but knowing you’re not ready to find it with anyone else. You’re trying to have me fill this giant hole in your heart, but I can’t. I won’t.
I cannot be the girl whose hands only remind you of her touch.
I cannot be the girl whose eyes are too brown and not enough blue.
I cannot be the girl whose laugh doesn’t make your heart catch.
I cannot be the girl you look at but don’t see.
I cannot, and do not wish to ever be the girl you love when you’re lonely. Because you don’t love me, you’re just using what we have to cover over your pain. You’re wishing away the loss of her in my arms. You’re kissing me and still tasting her. You’re pretending my touch will heal. But I can’t heal you. Only time will heal you.
And I don’t deserve someone who only loves me for what I can give, only loves me for what I can fill, only loves me to forget.