I needed you.
I needed you to calm me down, to hold my hand, to wipe the tears from my cheeks, to pull me into one of those huge, warm hugs of yours and squeeze the sadness from my body like a wrung out sponge. I needed you to listen. I needed you to try to understand. I needed you for a thousand little moments of fear and frustration, to brush the hair back from my face and promise me that I was stronger than it seemed and that I would get through this.
But you weren’t there.
I guess I thought you were perfect. I guess I held you to a higher, unfair standard, thinking that you would always be there when I called, no matter where or when. I guess that wasn’t really fair.
I threw all my hope into you, thinking that you could save me. But I’m not angry that you didn’t. Because I was forced to save myself.
I realize now that I was being selfish—asking you to drop everything in your life to be there for me when there was just no way you possibly could. I think I’m the one that needs to be sorry. Sorry for the bitterness I had towards you. Sorry for the anger. Sorry for finding myself so frustrated with you because you couldn’t be what I needed you to be.
I’m sorry for blaming you when there was nothing you could have done.
And I forgive you for leaving me because now I understand that this wasn’t your problem to fix, wasn’t your battle to face.
I needed to learn how to pull myself from the rushing tide, how to keep my head above water. I needed to learn what it meant to be strong, truly strong. And I needed to learn those things on my own.
I needed to learn how to pray, rather than make someone my savior.
So thank you for not being here.
For whatever reasoning you had for not being around, for whatever turn and twist occurred in your life to bring you away from me, thank you for not being so available. For letting me face this alone.
I am stronger now. I am capable. And though it broke my heart, I forgive you. Because I know that you are imperfect, I know that you are flawed, I know that you can’t be my everything, and I love you, still.