Maybe Right Now I Want To Be Complicated

Maybe right now I want to be complicated.
The girl who spins your mind around.
Who doesn’t have all the answers
and doesn’t seem to care.

Since I was young, I thought I had to follow a pattern.
Walk with my toes on the line. The straight and narrow.
But that’s limiting. And terrible.
And every time I slipped I thought I’d never make it.
Told myself lies that I’d never be good enough.

But I don’t care whether or not I’m good enough anymore.

Right now I want to break hearts and chase
dreams. I want to listen to the sound of my own voice,
how it echoes when I scream.
I want to follow where my happiness takes me.
maybe near, or far, or even further away from you.

I want to be the girl you long to chase.
But you know you can’t. The one who is fearless,
yet tender. Flawed. Real.

Complicated.

I’ve spent so much time trying
to simplify how I feel, to fit
myself in a little box, to know
how humans are supposed to express emotion
and conform. But I’m sick
of changing my beating heart.

I want messy. I want to be messy.

And I don’t care what the world wants of me.
Or who I’m supposed to be, how I’m supposed to love.

I want to be the girl that makes you dizzy.
The girl with thousands of strands of thought, twisting
herself in every direction. Such splendid chaos.

I cannot fit in a little box.
And I don’t want to.