My heart has never been easy on me. Falling into people I know I shouldn’t, backing away from the ones who would probably be the best for me, or mixing my emotions somewhere in-between.
It’s not easy having a big heart, you know.
Sometimes you just have too many feelings, too much love squeezing through those arteries and veins, carrying crazy thoughts from your toes up to your brain.
I get confused sometimes. I get wrapped up in the moment. I start to feel, so powerfully, for the people in my life. But as much as my heart can drive me crazy, I’ve always believed in love. In the fact that when it’s love, you’ll just know.
Cliché, I’ll admit. And I’ve never been one to follow the rules. But with love, it’s different. I trust it. Because love isn’t something that you have to decipher. It isn’t something that you have to analyze or figure out, or do some crazy introspection to see if what you’re feeling is really ‘it.’
With love, you just know.
And so when my heart’s all wrapped up in the moment, when I’m feeling a mix of things, I always have to take a step back and listen. I have to take a step back and ask myself, Do I know?
And right now, I don’t.
Maybe it’s timing, maybe it’s the circumstance, maybe it’s you, or maybe it’s me. But right now, I can’t look at you and say you’re the one I want. I can’t close my eyes and make something out of the space between us.
I can’t pretend to be in love because I can’t lie to my heart.
And my big heart always knows better.
You’re a wonderful man who will make another woman happy, will make another woman smile, whose silly laugh and crooked smile will brighten someone else’s life in ways that it could never brighten mine. She will be lucky. And I will be happy for her.
I’m not sure why life happens like this, why we fall into people, or fall away from people, or get confused along the way.
But all I know is that you have to trust the feeling—the itch that says, ‘keep moving forward,’ or the nagging pull at your heart that leads you away from a person, or even the absence of that ‘this is it,’ type of feeling. As strange as it is, you have to trust it.
Because your heart always knows better.
And my heart knows that you and I aren’t right.
So I’m sorry that this couldn’t be what you wanted, even what I wanted, for a moment. I’m sorry that we didn’t become something beautiful, that our paths didn’t intersect and crisscross into a brand new road.
But please know this: You will always matter to me, wherever you wander.