I Made A Million And One Mistakes Loving Him, And I Will Make Them All Again

I loved. I lost. I fought hard. I argued. I compromised bits of myself for the sake of love.

I changed my mind. I went back on my word. I became a different version of myself, lost myself, and found myself again.

I was too stubborn. Too forgiving. Too harsh. Too gentle. I gave in. I gave up. I went back when I shouldn’t have. And let go too soon.

I made a million and one mistakes loving him. But I don’t regret a single one.

He came into my life with quickness and charm, both quiet and loud. I should have been stronger in the beginning. I should have been firm, stood my ground. But I caved. I tripped, slipped, and fell headfirst into love.

I should have put on the brakes. Should have stopped myself. Should have closed my eyes and let it happen slow, filling me, settling into my roots like a plant baking in the sun. But I didn’t. I won’t ever. The mistake I made in falling hard, I’d do it over, every time. For him. For the next love, and for the other loves that will come after.

I will make the mistake of kissing too deeply, of confessing too much, of letting someone touch the parts of my soul I try so hard to keep hidden. And I won’t regret it.

I will make the mistake of trusting, make the mistake of intertwining my life and dreams with another. I will do this willingly, because this is love. Because this is beautiful.

In loving him, I made the mistake of losing myself. Not in a terrible way, but in the way that comes with love, when parts of yourself twist around that person. When who you are shapes, and is shaped, by your relationship. You are still whole, still complete, yet even more of yourself with that person. That is a mistake, with him, I willingly made. And I will make it again, wrapping my heart around my next love. Learning to give and take, once more.

I made the mistake of running when I couldn’t face my anger. The mistake of shutting off when I should have spoken, of shouting when I should have been silent. These are mistakes of passion, mistakes of the moment, mistakes that define who I am, and mistakes that I cannot apologize for. I am human. I am me. I will do the same thing, every time. When you love someone you cannot help your reaction. So I will make these mistakes again. Make them when I’m angry. Make them when I’m scared. Make them when I fall in love in the future, whenever that may be.

I have never been afraid to love. To be vulnerable. To give. To gain. To lose.

I have never been afraid of making mistakes. Even when I make them, time and time again. Even when they hurt just the same. This is a cycle that to me, will always be worth it. This is love, and I will keep on loving.

Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.