10 Legitimate Reasons To Say ‘Screw It’ To Dry January

Dry January: The one-month period where you’re supposed to ditch alcohol, rid yourself of bed-ridden hangover mornings, save on cash, and eliminate those extra calories by quitting alcohol for a month. Sounds cool. But life’s too short for all that nonsense.
Twenty20, adrihamui
Twenty20, adrihamui

Author Disclaimer: FYI, this is meant to be silly. 😝

1. Getting drunk is fun and you know it.

Let’s face it, you have some awesome drunk memories. You and the girls, tipsy off tequila shots at the Justin Beiber concert. Or sharing margs with bae at that Mexican restaurant in the city. You might look like crap when you look back at your Snapstory the morning after, but you had fun. Even if you don’t remember kissing your guy’s ear instead of his cheek, or eating a loaf of cheesy bread at 3AM.

2. A glass of wine is good for you. Seriously.

A glass of wine each day keeps the doctor away…but really. Red wine has antioxidants, called polyphenols which actually help protect your blood vessels. So naturally, you can’t do Dry January and deprive yourself of those health benefits.

3. A drink (or four) will get you out of the post-holiday blues.

It’s the ‘New Year, New You’ but everything still feels like the same-old. It’s okay, you’re just a victim of the post-holiday blues. You open Facebook and you’ll see the three/four birth announcements and at least six new engagements. And the babies having babies. *Gag*. Trust me, you’ll need a few stiff drinks to get you through.

4. Booze is the perfect companion for brunch dates. And really any meal, if you’re about that life.

Bottomless Bloody Mar Bar at brunch? You can’t say no. And a glass of wine with dinner? A mimosa with breakfast? Too good to resist.

5. Being the constant DD is boring AF.

Imagine your life for the next month. Thirty-one straight days of carting your booze-hound besties around. You’ll be tired, cranky, and you know how you just vacuumed the interior of your car? Yeah, well now there’s puke on the passenger rug and side door. Ew.

6. Without booze, you might not have the guts to talk to your crush.

Okay, so you’ve been pining over this guy for weeks. He’s totally cute and he asked you out for dinner. There’s no way you’re getting dressed without a glass of Moscato. And what if he asks you out for drinks afterwards? Are you really going to say no? (No, you’re not).

7. Listening to drunk talk is like getting run over by a train. Repeatedly.

“Ohmigawwwwwwwdddd I don’t know where I put my keys. I’m like, so *hiccup* wasted right now.”

8. Tolerating your crazy grandma’s 87th birthday sober would probably kill you.

If listening you’re your drunk friends wasn’t bad enough, now imagine sitting through the four-hour family shindig. Completely. Sober. You’ll be so desperate, rubbing alcohol will start to sound like a viable option. (PS: Don’t try that at home).

9. Plain and simple: you don’t have the discipline to stay alcohol-abstinent anyways.

There was a tiny flicker in your mind, No alcohol for a month, I can totally do this! And then it faded as you thought about how utterly boring, snowy, and depressingly sad January will be without at least one sippy sip. Nah, maybe you’ll try next year. (But probably not.)

10. And even if you do, you’ll go straight back to the bottle February 1st.

Let’s be real. You’re going to get wasted the second the dry spell’s over. And with this supposed ‘built up tolerance’ you’ll be like a college freshman again. And no one wants to relive those days. TC mark

Marisa Donnelly

Marisa is a writer, poet, & editor. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming.

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