Love happens without rules. Unfortunately. The moment you feel love, you just feel it. There is nothing that could stop or justify that. There is only every new change in your life present to ensure its occurrence.
So, whether it is reciprocated or not, whether it is admitted or not, what you can’t hide is that once love kicks in, you will feel like every cell in your body could scream it. It creeps in your heart and soul like some invading parasite. Only this is one that is much more delicate that you don’t wish out of your body.
But I bet you know that already. I bet you still remember how it all felt when it happened. You remember the magic that you couldn’t and didn’t even wish to stop, for what sane person would want the fireworks playing down his heart to stop?
You remember and sometimes you tell yourself that you don’t because you know one can’t remember what he never forgets in the first place.
Because love cannot be forgotten. No one can deny that or how there is something beautiful in losing control over love. No one can deny how there is something incredibly amazing in loving someone so much it hurts.
Something that I don’t know of is if it revolves only around us. Around knowing what our hearts are capable of, the ability to form a connection with someone or if it revolves around the connection. The spark itself. How when you loved someone he owned a special place in your heart. One that you can’t describe how or when or why it happened but you can describe that it is there, making you see the world with brand new eyes.
However, life doesn’t always grant us what we want and sometimes the beautiful feeling that is love hits a wall. A wall that makes it lose much of its meaning and it is the wall of indirect rejection. It is the wall of falling for people who couldn’t love us back. It is the wall of vowing to belong to people who never even gestured they could be ours one day.
Sometimes our love that conquered us and gave us a feeling that we can do anything stood helpless before fate. A fate that didn’t make us the right people for whom we loved or didn’t make them the right people for us.
It takes time before you start realizing the truth, giving into it. It takes time before you tell yourself that you are hanging to something that ain’t right for you.
But that is not the hard part.
The hard part is telling yourself to let go. Releasing your hands that are clenching to someone or the idea of him to be more accurate without falling apart. Without becoming torn from all sides.
The hard part is getting over the one who was not even yours to begin with and I know that when this happens, someone might tell you nothing is easier than moving on this time. They can’t get a heartbreak you want to describe because of a relationship that never even started.
Someone would wonder about the memories you’ll wallow over when you never even shared a present with the one you loved.
But I understand or at least I think I do. Because maybe, maybe it hurts you more than it ever did to me. Maybe the love you poured in the wrong place was the only love you have felt and now you walk the earth doubting all your feelings, thinking you will never and you should better not feel love again. Not experience that sort of pain again.
But here is what I understand and I hope it is close to what you feel. You know they are not yours but your heart still skips a beat when you see them. And sometimes they visit your dreams and make you wake up with a smile. Life could have been beautiful. Like in the dream you just had.
They have a power over your life. Still. Even after you knew they ain’t yours. And sometimes even when you know they will never be.
Here is what I understand. You cry at night thinking of them. You wonder what is wrong with you. You wonder if things could be different and they may feel some of the love you feel towards them.
And when you know they won’t. When you reach a point where you don’t want to lie to yourself, where you no longer want imagination as a part of reality, you will try to convince yourself like I did that true love shouldn’t feel like this.
It should feel safer than this and you are not supposed to feel this nervous or self-conscious if it is around someone who is right. But here is what I have learned and maybe the only how I knew of moving on.
When this happens. When you grow nervous around someone you love, it is still called love. It is at the very base of it.
There is no reason to change the name of how we feel. In fact, we have to be plain honest with ourselves. We have loved and it didn’t work. Simply.
We are not supposed to hate anyone for it and certainly not ourselves. We are not supposed to think that love was wrong. Because the truth is love doesn’t know right from wrong. Love only knows showing itself such that it feels right.
What we are supposed to do, however, is to give up on the pain. To release it and let it release us. To accept our love as a beautiful feeling that doesn’t need us to fight if it wasn’t reciprocated. It just needs us to carry it and move along with our lives, let it grow us kinder for it.
It is okay to want to make a home out of a person. This was not your mistake. The mistake is forgetting that you are a home too and you should return to yourself every night and feel just as safe.
The mistake is failing to find solace in how love is courage and you were courageous my dear and one day you will find what is more than courage.
One day, you will find the one who would feel right and who would call you at night before you go to sleep to make sure you know that and it is okay if that day is not today.
There is still a beautiful life ahead of you and the moment you decide to move on you will definitely see it.