I didn’t want to admit my mistake but I did.
My ego just suddenly mattered and didn’t matter that much all at once. It didn’t matter because I was fine with telling myself that I was wrong and that I made a mistake. But it mattered because right at this moment I was facing myself by my need to stop making that mistake. To honor myself and my heart enough. To stay away from the things that hurt me, the ones that hurt me. To stay away from you.
I loved you and I believe that love is never a mistake. Even after all that happened. The mistake, however, is me being ready to go the extra mile for that love while it wouldn’t even move an inch.
The mistake was that I let myself care for you while you did nothing but hurt me.
The mistake was that I wanted you to love me so much I forgot to love myself.
The mistake was that I was ready to do anything for you even if it meant losing myself, my own identity. Changing how I think for you. Accepting whatever toxic matter you have said and acted upon and thinking this is just normal.
I let you use my feelings, use the fact that you knew I loved you for your interest even if it meant it was for my bad. The love that I thought would make me strong, you made it be my weak point, my flaw, my unforgiven sin.
I wish you said you didn’t love me. I wish you made it easier. I wish you closed the door. But you didn’t. Each time I thought I could leave, you came back. Sometimes only with a smile but you knew that smile would do it. It wouldn’t let me go. And I let myself forget each time that behind this smile there is going to be a dark hell. Of me being underappreciated. I let myself hope that maybe you have changed, maybe you have known my worth.
I was wrong maybe because as I felt that you enjoyed the idea of me loving you, I enjoyed just the space of being around you.
I was wrong maybe. To love and accept a love way less than mine. To think that maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I should be over the moon with your cold tone and cold hands and you saying I love you without ever looking into my eyes, without ever meaning it because at least I was around you.
I was wrong maybe to forget that I deserve to be loved. I don’t know if I deserve an epic love but I know I deserve to feel respected and appreciated. I deserve to have someone who will not try to change me and who will just love me as I am.
I finally let you go because somehow I am not blind anymore. Somehow I now know what really matters which is me. I matter. And though I still think that I never had the option to stop loving you, I think that I have always had the option to love myself and it’s about time I chose that first.