This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.
— Elizabeth Gilbert
It is easy to tell you to see the beauty of the world when your mind is in a state calm enough for such contemplation. What happens though is that our minds aren’t always like that. Instead, most of the times you’d find our minds busy, occupied and overthinking pretty much everything. What happens is that sometimes our hearts are too broken to love and our powers are too drained for us to do almost anything.
What happens is this. Your life doesn’t seem easy. Getting up in the morning is becoming a trouble. Finding a reason to believe in yourself seems like the most exhausting mission and questioning yourself is the easiest thing you could do.
What happens is you get so aware one night of all the love you gave but was not reciprocated. Of the lover you were willing to keep but he didn’t appreciate your love. Of the work you were dedicating yourself to but it was not enough.
What happens is you grow up and the circle of friends you used to have keeps getting narrower that it can’t form a circle anymore. People you used to call home left you deserted. You get abandoned at times and you change at others that nothing in your life seems like it could stay the same.
What happens is this. Your image gets distorted for all the things you believed in but now you don’t. You feel a certain kind of darkness even when the sun rays are reflecting on your skin. You lose so many things including yourself and on days the bruises on your heart are too deep you doubt if your functioning in whatever way you do or don’t function at all could by any means be considered living.
What happens is that as life goes by we inevitably go through certain days where we miss ourselves the most. I guess that is what being broken always feels like. It feels like missing yourself. You are not the person you used to be anymore. Life as you know it has changed somehow and you’re not sure you could get it back and more unsure if you even want it back. Getting it back sometimes sounds like you’d only get back the reasons that broke you in the first place.
What happens is that you get broken sometimes only by your insecurites. Sometimes by reasons that only you could see. Sometimes by a load that only you feel its weight and when people ask you why you look tired. When people don’t understand you or empasize with you, it usually just makes it harder. And boy, that is a tough feeling. I have been there and I know .
What happens is that when you feel broken you stand at this crossroads of the path of giving in and the path of moving on. You can always choose. You always have the free will to choose but it’s the strong will you fear you lack, the will that could help you make the right choice.
For me, so far, I’ve only learned how to move on. Though I usually underestimate my strength, belittle my journey at life but here’s one thing I do appreciate about myself, I learned to move on. I chose to learn that. And the thing you must know is that the beauty about moving on is that it’s mostly something that you could learn.
You learn to move on not by believing that your pain doesn’t matter or that your brokenness ain’t that much of a big deal. You move on when you realize exactly the opposite of that. When you learn that it’s okay to be afraid, to feel hurt, to not want to go to work, to feel disappointed and to drag yourself all around like you’re barely looking for a reason to live.
You learn to move on when you learn that it’s okay to get angry at the world for not being your ally on some days or for taking a beloved away from you or for forcing you to spend every night alone.You move on when you realize that despite all of the pain you’re feeling, there’s always going to be something worth fighting for. When you try to be wise enough to understand that it’s true how this thing might not be seen over the horizon but that it’ll eventually appear. The way nothing ever lasts, neither will your pain.
You learn to move on when you realize this. That getting better won’t be an overnight thing. It might take effort. Days where you doubt if it ever gets better. But you read books, force yourself to some gatherings, get out of more gatherings, give up then get back to working again the next day like there is no escape of working and you do it. You make yourself believe in life and love again. You start by the small things. The kind gestures that one must fall for and you’ll do it and more often than not you’ll find out this was the only way around it. That’s how you move on.
