1. PYT (Pretty Young Thing) privilege
When you’re hot, people love you before you even say a beautiful word. Your radiant eyes and your flawless, toned body give you the ultimate advantage in any situation. People probably think you’re healthier, smarter, and more trustworthy than you actually are.
Feminists talk about objectification—i.e., someone wanting to fuck you so badly that they treat you like a thing instead of a person. That does sound pretty bad. But in the hands of someone with more brains than an inanimate object, that objectification can be used to one’s advantage pretty easily.
Have you ever wondered how you landed that last job you barely qualified for? Maybe it happened because you’re a flirtatious twink and your boss was picturing his fist going up your ass at various angles for the entire interview.
2. Not-having-shit-in-your-drinking-water privilege
If you have time to get into arguments with people online about who’s more privileged, you’re probably not currently dying of a disease caused by feces in your drinking water. That means both you and the guy you’re exchanging snarky comments with on Facebook are doing damn well compared to people in developing countries.
3. College privilege
If you’re in the business of calling out people for their privilege and you went to or are currently enrolled in college, maybe it’s time for some reflection. Check the privileged rafter in your own eye before removing the privileged splinter from your neighbor’s.
There’s a good chance that the guy you’re battling online could never afford the luxurious university education your family has provided for you. Your interchange could amount to class warfare between a well-to-do college student from a rich family and a GED holder from a Podunk shit-hole. And all the connections you make in college will guarantee that you’ll be more privileged than him for your entire life.
4. “Powerful while part of an underprivileged class” privilege
The entire privilege-checking business seems to be about easily profiling oppressed v. privileged without having to do the hard work of thinking about individual cases. And there’s an enormous amount of power to deflect criticism if you’re connected to an underprivileged group of people, either by belonging to the group yourself or by claiming to be its defender.
This particular privilege can cause incredibly powerful distortions in perception of reality. It allows the person wielding the privilege to appear to be a victim while wielding massive amounts of power. Remember when a North Korean factory worker pissed off Americans by saying racist shit about the president? Think about how insane that is. If there’s anyone in the entire world who doesn’t need to be defended against words, it’s a president.
While I don’t doubt that a lot of the president’s critics hate him for being the wrong color, there’s plenty for non-racists to criticize. But thanks in part to his privilege, he’s gotten away with remote-controlled murder.
5. Mob privilege
American politics is a huge game of “King of the Hill” for adults, the hill being the moral high ground. The left acts like they have a monopoly on human empathy. The right believes they’re the last bastion of morality holding back marauding bands of gay Mexicans armed with Astroglide and poppers. The center demonizes both sides as extremist for not defending the status quo.
At one point or another, people from all of these positions and others are completely full of shit. If your tribe is winning the game, it doesn’t mean you’re right about everything; it just means you’re currently in power. You’re a privileged member of the majority. Congratulations—grab a pitchfork.