(1) If you are still referring to your weekends as time to “rage,” just stop.
(2) If you’re over 30 and still “threatened” by a woman’s career, reevaluate everything.
(3) Wearing your hat sideways. Not backwards like a cool young dad, but sideways, like someone who just got really excited about a deal at Spencer’s. The only exception is if you are a Rob Dyrdek-esque TV personality.
(4) Sending vague “Wanna hang out?” texts instead of inviting someone they’re interested in to actual, set plans.
(5) If your parents are still paying for your plane tickets to come home for the holidays, you should be embarrassed.
(6) Posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses and subtweeting when you’ve broken up with someone. It’s so tempting to put on your most embarrassing Spotify playlist, stalk their page, and cry into your Ben and Jerrys but you need to step away from the social media.
(7) If you still don’t go down on a girl, you should be embarrassed.
(8) If your utility bills are still in your parents’ names, it’s time they disowned you.
(9) Eating take out for almost every meal. By now you should be able to make at least a handful of recipes at home for a really great, savory meal instead of picking up McDonalds on the way home from work.
(10) If you are still waiting three days to call someone after a date and upholding yourself to these weird dating games.
(11) If you judge a girl for sleeping with you on the first date, you should be embarrassed.
(12) If you’re still using plastic plates and cups inside your home (and not at a BBQ), you need to upgrade to some shit that can actually be broken if thrown across the room. You’re an adult.
(13) Bragging about drinking. It’s like how a toddler celebrates successful poops, but if he turned 13 and was still bragging every time he went potty, you’d question his maturity.
(14) It’s embarrassing if you still have no clue how to do your taxes, or if you go into panic mode in April because you’re totally unclear on what doing your taxes really means.
(15) If you are unable to state your intentions to a woman you are dating because you are still sooooooooo afraid of commitment, get over it.
(16) If every time a guest comes over to your apartment you have to scramble to clean up your living space because it’s a disaster, you need to learn how to be a clean human being and not a monster.
(17) If you have thrown up from drinking post age 30, you are not an acceptable human. Learn to hold your alcohol or get sober. You’re embarrassing yourself and everyone you know.
(18) If you are unable to actually have an honest conversation about your feelings, you should be embarrassed.
(19) It’s embarrassing to go over someone’s house and not have anything to offer — be it a six pack of beer, a batch of cookies. Something to reciprocate is common courtesy at this point.
(20) If you’re waking and baking at age 30, it’s really not a good sign.
(21) Not disclosing crucial information (i.e., if you have kids) at a reasonable time. That innocent smile stopped being effective seven years ago.
(22) Sure, nobody loves to pay their bills, but it’s time to get a system going if you don’t already have one. It sucks to watch all our money go away, but it’s going to go away regardless, might as well not add on late fees, too.
(23) If you’re still unable to take responsibility for your life and blame everyone else for your problems, then it’s time to reevaluate the state of your life. You are in control of you, the end.
(24) Genuinely believing that playing video games all through the weekend counts as one of your “hobbies.”
(25) If you still secretly think you have a chance of getting into the NBA/ NFL/ some other professional sport, you probably need to reassess your priorities
(26) By the time you’re 30 you should have some idea of what constitutes personal style and should at least realize that a baseball cap is not a hairdo.
(27) Talking exclusively in movie quotes. It can be funny and endearing, but it’d be nice to hear what you have to say.
(28) If you still need a woman to dictate your style and to decorate your apartment because you have no say in your own tastes, then please stop this.
(29) Sending your friend over to ask for your someone’s number that you find attractive. Are you still in the 4th grade?
(30) If you’re over 30 and in a long-term relationship, you should either have plans to marry her or have plans to get out of the relationship. C’mon bro.
(31) Being emotionally invested in fantasy football, to the point that it affects other aspects of your life. Peyton Manning’s performance shouldn’t dictate your mood every Sunday.
(32) Getting all worked up and making a scene in rec leagues or pickup games. Nobody in the gym is going to the NBA. It’s not that serious. Relax.