If you weren’t ugly in middle school, I almost don’t trust you. – Jamie Lee

The strongest form of birth control has always been my personality – Carly Aquilino

(On mean girls) They don’t eat enough cake. They probably have never had an orgasm before. – Tanisha Long

Put confidence with any outfit, that’s style. – Jessimae Peluso

If you ever want to really bond with your dad, talk shit about your mom. – Carly Aquilino

If it doesn’t involve food, count me out. – Quinn Marcus

You do realize that masturbation feels like pizza tastes. – Jamie Lee

Sometimes when I shower, I get hair stuck in my butt and I like the way it feels when I pull it out. – Allison Carter Thomas

People don’t want to hear about your diet. Just shut up, eat your lettuce, and be sad. – Nicole Byer

We change our hair when something traumatic happens to us, and obviously I’ve been through a lot of shit. – Carly Aquilino

Before the pregnancy scare, you hated your period, but now it’s your best friend…. Now it’s like ‘Hey, Period! Missed you! How was your month? You look great. – Jamie Lee

I think girls will stop lying about being good drivers, when guys stop lying about what 8 inches really is. – Carly Aquilino

The best part about a pregnancy test is that you get to pee on something other than just a toilet. Or a person! – Nicole Byer

Guys are always like, “Nicole, you’re so funny. You’re such a good friend.” No. I don’t want to be a friend. I want to suck your dick.” – Nicole Byer

You gotta fix the inside, and there’s no plastic surgery for the soul. – Jessimae Peluso

If you’re hosting a party don’t bring out anything vegan cause I will punch you in the vagina. – Carly Aquilino

If you have to take the morning after pill after your “PDA” you need to take it down a notch. – Tanisha Long

You will never look like the girl in the magazine. The girl in the magazine doesn’t look like the girl in the magazine. – Jessimae Peluso

I think I’ve had a crush on any guy that’s ever said anything nice to me. – Carly Aquilino

I think crushes are great, you know they make the world go ’round because otherwise you know, Taylor Swift would like, not have a career. – Alice Wetterlund

(on shopping) Fill up the cart, fill up the cart! Do we need it? Don’t think about it, fill up the cart! – Jessimae Peluso

I love my boobs. I think they are functional and beautiful. Like a Toyota Prius. – Tanisha Long

My friends have a name for my dancing its called “What are you doing, are you okay?” – Alice Wetterlund

I like to fart on first dates cause then I know if the dude likes me or not. I’ll fart him right into the friend-zone. If I don’t like him I’ll fart him right into that shit. And if he still likes me, I want him to marry me. – Jessimae Peluso

When people try to use “slut” as an insult it’s like, what’s next? What else you got? ‘Cause that’s great. Oh, so I have sex a lot? Okay. Oh no! Don’t say anything else. What, do I dress well? – Alice Wetterlund