People who are in love are, more or less, capable of functioning normally. Sure, they might occasionally be late to work before a morning sex sesh ran long, but for the most part, they’re sane people who happen to have a partner they are super fond of. People who are in the process of falling in love – who are actively going from the state of not being in love to the state of being in love – are complete disasters. They are distracted and have so many happy brain chemicals and hormones flooding their minds that they literally might as well be on drugs. These people are a danger to themselves and others, and by all reasonable logic, should be locked up until they’re over the hump of insanity and come to rest safely on the other side, and are fully settled in love. But if that’s not possible, let’s at least all agree that falling-in-love people don’t get to do any of the following things:
Go to work
I have friends who prefer to work when they’re sick and save their sick days for when they can pretend to be sick and enjoy them. I have friends who use all of their vacation days at once, and those who split them up into several long weekends scattered throughout the year. I think instead, we would all be better off saving our sick/vacation time for those days when your brain is so spaced out with new love feelings that you couldn’t possibly be effective at your job anyway. Stay home, stay in bed, be in love. Really, you would likely be shitty at work anyway, so your boss should thank you.
Drive a car
You know that thing when you’re driving along, thinking about your person, and you keep getting rushes of endorphins just thinking about them and your heart races and your head gets all fuzzy and then you run into someone and kill them? Falling in love makes you distracted, which can be deadly behind the wheel of a car. Nothing but cabs and public transit for a while until your head comes back down to earth.
Own a phone or glasses or keys
Yeah, those things are lost. And then lost 10 minutes later. And then you’ll sit on one and break it, or realize you wear holding it the whole time, or it’s in the freezer.
It is a common affliction of the newly in love to be so wrapped up in having sex and long, amazing conversations and generally making dreamy eyes at each other that they forget to do basic things like shower and eat until they realize they are about to pass out from hunger and also kinda stink like 3-day-old sex which some people are into, but not many. People who are freshly in love need babysitters to make sure that their primary human needs are met because they are absolutely not capable of tending to them on their own.
Ha. Appointments are forgotten basically as soon as they are made. It doesn’t matter if it’s on your Google Calendar. It doesn’t matter if that shit is synced to your phone. It doesn’t matter if Siri takes physical form and leaps out of your phone and punches you in the face – you will not be making it to any appointments. You might not even remember they’re happening, or that you agreed to them.
Give relationship advice
The fact is, most relationships are a goddamn nightmare. Most people probably should breakup, and when your friends ask you if they should breakup with someone, usually the answer is “YES OMG DO IT NOW.” Your friend probably knows that and is just looking for validation. That’s just generally how those conversations go. But when you’re in the middle of falling in love with someone, the entire world takes on a glowy, optimistic sheen, where you can see the upsides and silver linings to even the most dismal situation. This is not always beneficial to other people who are living in the real world where people are flawed and relationships get toxic and getting out is often the correct answer. If someone needs a glass-half-full pep talk – you’re their person. If they need solid advice based in reality, you will not be useful for at least the next 1-3 months.
Not only are you probably checking your phone and smiling at some stupid text, and not only are you likely sleep deprived from staying up until 4AM talking about your families and making out, but you haven’t had coffee. There is literally no way that you aren’t about to lose your train of thought about 45 times in the course of one order. Protip: Go get coffee with a level headed friend who knows what you like to drink and can order for you while you doodle your new person’s initials on your jeans or whatever.
Let’s be real: You’re too spacey – and too often looking at your phone because he/she sent you a picture of a pulled apart bagel rearranged into the shape of a heart or something – to walk without bumping into shit or falling down. I know I already banned driving and your transportation options are dwindling…fuck it: The only thing that newly in love people are really capable of doing is collapsing into a melty pile of flesh and feelings with each other until the initial wave of love-drunkenness passes. Do your best to clear your schedule and avoid sharp edges until you’re back on your feet.