29 Reasons Why You’re Still Single, You Dummy

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. Because you smell of desperation.

“There’s a single guy in the office who is always complaining about how he’s never had a girlfriend, like full on whining. He comes across as so desperate, and propositions pretty much every female he meets.”


2. Because you’re a selfish pain in the ass.

“I know a girl that firmly believes that once she is in a relationship, the whole boyfriend world should revolve around her and her only. Like the boyfriend have to be the ones doing the romantic thing, he has to ask her permission to hang out with his buddies because if he goes and she’s alone it’s a betrayal, she thinks her whole life should be a rom com with drama and the boyfriend have to put up with all the bullshit she throws and all. This is super weird because she seems like a good friend, I mean, I never had to complain about her, but she really is a shitty girlfriend.”


3. Because you treat the opposite sex like an alien species.

“Treat the opposite sex like they’re a totally different species that must be translated to be understood and conflating relationships/sex appeal with their self-worth. Neither of these mistakes is exclusive to any one gender.”


4. Because you create too much drama.

“Not so much ‘still single’ but ‘can’t maintain a meaningful relationship past a few months” and it’s just in general creating pointless, unnecessary drama.

Get into a good relationship, seemingly goes well for a few weeks or months, then oh shit they like another person that they hung out with once and they declare ‘understands them better.’ Or oh shit they can’t decide between current partner or last flavor-of-the-month partner. Or oh shit they suddenly think they’re not ready for a relationship. Or …(oh shit)_x3…_x4…_n.

Then they either stay single for a while because people begin to catch on to the drama…or they find a potential partner not in the know.”


5. Because you don’t understand the real relationship begins after the initial lust wears off.

“Those that don’t understand that when the lust wears off that’s when the real relationship begins.

And ‘soul mates’ are created, not found.”


6. Because you just want to be spoiled.

“‘I just want a guy that will buy me food and presents.’

Bitch this was high school, there aren’t any sugar daddies here.”


7. Because you’re unwilling to compromise.

“Have completely rigid and uncompromisable expectations about relationships and what they want in a partner.

If you can’t be a little flexible with another human being then you’re not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.”


8. Because you have issues with the opposite sex.


‘All men are assholes. Why can’t I find a rich guy so I won’t have to work anymore?’

‘All women are bitches. I bought them dinner, how dare they try to stop me using them for the one thing they’re good for?’”


9. Because you don’t try.

“They don’t try. Hell, that’s my issue. Putting no effort into pursuing or maintaining a relationship.”


10. Because you don’t make the first move.

“Women who refuse to make the first move on a guy. You are busy waiting around to get swept up on your feet, that you don’t take control of your own life.”


11. Because you act like a victim.

“I can’t stand people with victim complexes!

I knew a guy who every time he talked to me he’d basically do it seeking attention and pity. Something always happened to him. His dog died, he got bullied, he’s never had a girlfriend, he’s so lonely, etc. Eventually he started asking to have sex with me. I said no, he insisted a few days later and tried to manipulate me by saying he wanted someone he trusted to take his virginity. I was 17, dumb, and felt bad because I’d had a shitty first time experience with an inconsiderate person. So I relented at first, but backed off last minute because I was really uncomfortable with the situation. He deleted me from Facebook and didn’t talk to me again for a good three years, then he added me again. He apologized for putting me in that situation (about sex), which I thought was really nice of him. But then he went back to just complaining about life. I was going through a lot and did not need that kind of person in my life; I felt like he just used me for emotional support. I stopped paying attention to his complaining and he deleted me again shortly after.”


12. Because you play hard to get.

“When they try to play ‘hard to get’ like they are in a Nicholas Sparks book. That’s not going to make him try harder, it’s going to make him think you aren’t interested and move on.”


13. Because you’re always broke and don’t have a plan.

“My girlfriend has a friend that is funny and good to be around. She has just had a failure to launch and it is no one’s fault but her own. Time and time again she stacks the cards against herself.

I don’t think she understands consequences. Her parents always bail her out and she is almost 30. Her parents are definitely not made of money either, so I feel bad for them. She’s at bars till close every weekend. She is always broke. Doesn’t have a plan. And is gaining weight and losing charm and never stops complaining about being single.

I would love to see her turn her life around, but I don’t know what I can do to help her. When I look at her I always think of the time she got two puppies and locked them in the bathroom 20 hours a day. She eventually rehomed them and they would not leave the bathroom of their new home. They later died of parvo because she didn’t get their shots because they were too expensive. But boy did the $600 Lacasse boots she bought that month look good.”


14. Because you want a servant, not a lover.

“There’s this really weird mentality among American girls where they feel like they deserve to be ‘treated like a princess.’ Don’t get me wrong, they absolutely deserve respect, love, care, and appreciation, but a lot of them seem to think they can enter into a relationship without contributing anything other than themselves. Or they think that the other person should go to work and come home to do all the house chores while they lounge about. Obviously this isn’t anywhere near the norm but I think people with that mindset are going to stay single forever, unless they find someone with Christ-like patience who loves to serve.”


15. Because you still act like a teenager.

“If he acts like a teenager when he is past 30. If I wanted a child, I will make sure to have the fun part first.”


16. Because you come off as needy, not ‘nice.’

“Desperation really isn’t attractive to females. (Coming from a male who has experience with this.) You fucking reek of it and it scares them away. This is where the whole ‘nice guy’ mentality comes from. Girls don’t like you not because you’re nice, but because you worship them and try to satisfy their every need in order to get them to like you. Girls like ‘assholes’ because they know what they want. They hit on girls but brush it off and are still able to be a functional person if they get rejected. Sort of a ‘hey I think you’re attractive and I want to have sex with you, but it doesn’t really matter either way to me, I have other options and other things going on in my life’ vibe. Difficult to explain and even more difficult to pull off.”


17. Because you’re proud to be an asshole.

“Chicks who wear their bitchiness like a badge of honor.

‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.’ ‘I’ll tell you to your face, I keep it real.

Or, maybe quit being a cunt.”


18. Because you don’t know how to carry a conversation.

“They don’t know how to carry a conversation. They respond with one word answers, or give you nothing to work with. There’s a lot of social retards walking around these days.”


19. Because you’re unfriendly and arrogant.

“Unfriendliness and arrogance. I know a few girls like this, and it really is not pleasant to be in their company. Why would anyone want to be with you, if you are not a pleasant person to be together with? Yea, they are single.”


20. Because it’s your way or the highway.

“People who want the relationship to be on their terms, at all times. I’d say guys, ‘cuz the ones I know are typically dudes, but I know a few ladies guilty of this. 9 times out of 10 they are blind to the fact that they do it, but the second things cease being convenient they break things off. I’ve got a friend that tends to really like the girl he’s with at first, then once it’s his turn to put in effort he bails. His reasoning is that ‘a good relationship shouldn’t feel like work.’ That’s true, but not in a sense that it should never require work to maintain. He spends time with them when he wants to, he takes them where he likes going, he can be incredibly opinionated in a ‘I’m entitled to my opinions, you’re entitled to yours, but just so you know mine are the right ones’ kind of way, but when he inevitably gets dumped every time he mopes and talks about how tired he is of clingy girls or girls who aren’t willing to respect his wishes in the relationship. Not once has he listened to anyone point out that he seldom, if ever, respects theirs.”


21. Because you think you’re owed something due to your genitalia.

“For girls: a sense of entitlement because they’re female, and feel as though they should be treated by dating rules they have been force fed from a lifetime of watching rom coms.

For guys: self-pity in that they say things like ‘nice guys finish last!’ or always comment on how they’re stuck in the friend zone with every female they’ve ever been interested in.

News flash, nobody owes you anything because of your genitalia, and actually nice people would never be so presumptuous to refer to themselves as such.”


22. Because your standards are way too high.

“I know a guy that is in his 40s, never been in a relationship, virgin, and insists anyone less than supermodel is not good enough for him. Then he mopes and mopes and mopes some more, usually all over Facebook, about being alone. There is such a thing as having too high of standards.”


23. Because you try to change people.

“‘I will accept any man for who he is, and I will do that by demanding that he change his lifestyle, job, friends, family relationships, and everything for me the instant we start hanging out.’ Bye, Felicia.”


24. Because all your exes are ‘crazy.’

“All your exes are crazy. There’s a common denominator there, and it’s not your exes.

Being hammered drunk by yourself at a pub before 5 pm when you’re middle aged. Then when a girl does think you’re pretty hot and responds to your initial overture, fucking it up. (I have a “boy” nickname, and he had a “girl” name, good opening salvo until he had to bring up multiple exes who also had boy names.) Hard pass at that point.

Send me a dick pic when one of my profile pics is a shitty convo with a dude regarding me not wanting dick pics.

Flaking on plans.

Turning your mistakes back on the other person (how is it my fault you bailed on dinner?)

You’re over 30 and childless, why are you speaking like a toddler. Ick.

Whine about how women always pass you over for someone hotter, or only respond to boys who are cuter in your opening message.

Talk about how you won’t be a sugar daddy when you look like Larry the cable guy’s inbred cousin and your profile looks like it was written by an illiterate third grader.

Talk about the girth and length of your penis before we even exchange pleasantries.

My profile on POF was active for less than a month before I set it to hidden.”


25. Because you complain too much.

“There’s a special subset of women who start conversations with a bunch of unsolicited complaints. I think the idea is to get me on her side before we’ve started, but I’m always left wondering whether she’s having a hard time or is just a burdensome human being.”


26. Because you treat others like objects.

“Men who think women are their personal sex objects.

Or women who think men are their personal punching bags.”


27. Because you take and never give.

“If you don’t want to invest in someone else, but you want someone else to invest in you.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve discussed the details of a guy’s job, family, and life without him ever asking me what I do. I’ve known all the names, personalities, and routines of a guy’s pets but he was never interested in mine. They wanted a girlfriend who likes them, but they weren’t interested in reciprocating.

This isn’t gender-specific. I feel bad, but I usually just ghost these types of people. I don’t have the spare emotional labor to carry 100% of the conversation.”


28. Because you live in a very narrow comfort zone.

“Refuse to try anything outside of a very narrow comfort zone. If you’ll never do, eat, watch, read or listen to anything you aren’t already sure you’ll like, it really doesn’t seem like you’re ready to share your life with someone who isn’t, well, you.”


29. Because you’re insufferably self-righteous.

“Toxic feminist/SJW behavior. The second a woman mentions there being an issue with a man paying for their meal, how they shouldn’t attempt to change themselves (e.g. weight, make up) in an effort to attract the opposite sex, rant about that one asshole guy from years ago, shoehorn woman power into every conversation, most men lose interest. Most men like and agree with equality here, but self-righteous behavior in the opposite direction is a complete boner inverter.”

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