1. Karlena
“Karlena. Yes, my boss’s name is a feminine version of Karl. She’s a manipulative, OCD, two-faced, backstabbing, victim-complex, guilt-tripping liar. She’s a flaming, anemic cunt. Her cuntiness runs so deep, I can’t tell one specific story without going on and explaining a sequence of events spanning multiple days. I loathe her.”
2. Sebastian
“Sebastian is annoying and yells whenever his wife doesn’t put cheese on his daily tuna melt.”
3. Courtney
“Courtney sucks. She doesn’t do her actual job, just snoops around into other people’s work and tries to correct them, and then tattles to the supervisor. Also, she constantly walks around the office barefoot and doesn’t wear deodorant. Damn hillbilly.”
4. Jim
“Jim. You’d think as a security guard and a retired teacher, he’d have developed some skills that help him handle any situation calmly. Nope. One time this girl was having a seizure at work, Jim started freaking out so badly that it raised the mother of the girl’s anxiety so badly that she had a panic attack. Plus, he’s just so anal about everything. He absolutely must turn all computer monitors facing away from him because he’s afraid of the radiation he will get from it. Yeah, everybody has a Jim story…I hate Jim.”
5. Nathan
“This guy Nathan. We all do things we aren’t really supposed to at work like be on our phones browsing Reddit or maybe take an extra five minutes on our break. You know—harmless shit. Every time Nathan saw me do something, he reported it. Fuck you, Nathan, you piece of shit.”
6. Norman
“We had a guy named Norman at a place I worked. He actually got himself onto the management team by constantly ratting on people.
But…there is justice to the story. He apparently got into it with another manager, Ryan, who had been there longer and was well liked.
Ryan went to the warehouse manager and gave him an ultimatum: Get rid of Norman or you can consider this my notice of resignation.
They demoted Norman back to the floor. I almost…almost felt sorry for him after that. After months of being a dick, no would speak to him after he lost his management position. He always took breaks and lunch alone after that. If he came walking up to a group of people, everyone would get quiet and stare at him until he left.”
7. Randy
“Randy.
Fucking Randy. He overuses alliteration, can’t make a graph, and is generally incapable of working on a news crew.”
8. John
“John. He smells.”
9. Megan
“For fuck’s sake, Megan, just show up on time and do your job.
No one cares that you married some douche with no job so that your insurance would cover his rehab. Everyone knows your mom was fired from being a local sheriff because she sexually assaulted (at least) two subordinates. We just want you here on time, quiet, and doing your job right the first time. The company pays you too much to be as big of a fuck-up as you are.
Too many people have written emails to HR about you for them to continue ignoring it. Get your shit together, or go work somewhere else. Anywhere else.”
10. Christina
“Christina. She is the mean girl of the office. We actually used to be good friends, but we wronged each other. I apologized to her, but she refused to apologize because she did not think she did anything wrong… For a year, while I was dealing with infertility issues, she was going through a divorce and that was all she talked about…anytime I brought up my issues, she would usually turn it back to hers….Once her divorce was settled and I went through a third miscarriage, she told me she didn’t want to hear about it because she ‘didn’t need to deal with the negativity.’
She likes to tell people how charitable she is, but she will talk bad about clients and has no empathy. She will walk by all her coworkers (it’s a small office) and not even say hello until her one friend comes in and then she acts like she hasn’t seen her in years. She will make a big show of making plans ‘for the office’ but will exclude a couple of ppl. And she never confronts someone with a small issue…she runs to her boss or the office manager instead of taking care of it discreetly with the coworker.
She is a shallow, small-minded instigator and it would honestly be a harmonious office if it wasn’t for her.”
11. Cory
“Cory…
She has terrible hygiene and constantly smells like an Italian sub.
She’s constantly complaining about money problems but is always talking about how drunk/high/turnt she got last night.
When things don’t go her way with a sale she turns into an enormous bitch.
For some reason, she thinks she’s a great singer, despite me telling her (when she asked) that she’s always off-tune. This does not stop her from singing loudly with customers in the store.
Constantly brings up to my customers mid-conversation how hard whatever she’s doing in her life is.
She practically yells when she talks.
God, I hate her.”
12. Amanda
“I have a manager who just prioritizes shit completely wrong and it’s annoying as fuck.
‘Hey, it’s almost time for the night shift, but I’m gonna sweep in the lobby for the third time instead of making dough, even though we have three batches to make today and there’s only two of us.’ Meanwhile I’m having to balance taking and making orders and getting dishes done and delivering food.
We finally got a third day-shift person recently, and we actually started making the dough on time. I had to leave for a delivery order though and when I got back the manager was fucking sweeping again and left the new girl to do the dough by herself. Then the dough sat out for an hour (because only ONE PERSON, THE NEW GIRL) was doing it and it got really tough and the owners were mad.
Fuck you, Amanda; I hope you get fired because you’re seriously incompetent and you make my job so much more difficult than it has to be.”
13. Twyla
“Twyla. She calls off at least once a week. We are a 24-hour essential service. that means someone has to stay over 4 hours and someone else has to come in four hours early. And she just doesn’t GAF!”
14. Desi
“I work in a hospice with about 15 patients/guests, whatever you want to name the people living there. They are all really old or sick or both and it’s the last home they will stay at. Most of them are nice folks. When they are not nice to you it is the pain or the illness of the Alzheimer doing its horror.
Sometimes you have slow days. Everybody is quiet or sleeping. All laundry is done, all rooms are clean. The cook has the dinner ready to go in the oven and you just have half an hour to sit and have a cup of tea, talk with a ‘guest,’ and chill out.
Enter Desi. Desi is a nurse, she user to be a manager at another place before she worked with us. But with us She is just a normal nurse, she isn’t management. She is obese. She can’t lift patients alone. Short of breath, the works. Overall she is nice enough to work with, but she always lets her colleagues do the heavy work. In the time you put three people to bed, she does one. She sits on her ass taking breaks a lot. Now, that wouldn’t be so bad if she took that time to talk with the residents, but NO, she usually just watches TV then or is on her phone.
But the bad thing is, when it is slow and really all work for the evening is done she will say to her colleagues things like: ‘Oh you can go outside and have a smoke’ or ‘oh, no problem, you can go home 10 minutes earlier to catch the bus.’ All pretty normal in a good working environment where you know everyone is doing the best they can for the ill people they work for. Except now all other colleagues have figured out she has tried to throw them under the bus complaining to the big boss that people take a lot of smoke breaks and go home earlier sometimes. Spinning it in the most negative way possible. As if everybody is taking hours chatting and smoking outside while she does all the work.
I tell you, Desi, you think the boss hasn’t had a chat about this with some individual people, but she did. And she named your name, because she knows we do our work properly. And she doesn’t mind if we take five minutes to ourselves to take a little break after cleaning up the puke or poo from a dying patient. We’ve got our eyes on you now and your two-faced antics. You better make sure YOU don’t step out of line too much now yourself.”
15. Tim
“Tim…is a slovenly, loud, vulgar, sexist pig who, while at least knowing his job description, does nowhere near enough to earn his six-figure income. He spends half his day wandering from office of classically attractive woman to office of classically attractive woman telling obviously false or inflated self-aggrandizing stories, leering at their chests, and cutting them off when they try to speak. All the while spitting into his dip cup.”
16. Joel
“I work at an oil refinery, and many if not all of management team are the typical alpha male construction types. But one guy, man…Joel…is an Omega male. Needs everyone’s attention at all times. Everyone else is inept and incompetent. He knows everything while driving daggers in everyone’s back. Shit gets old fast. He has some upper management’s dicks so far down his throat it amazes the rest of us they can’t see through the act. Karma is coming. It always does.”
17. Reggie
“I fucking hate Reggie. From selling alcohol to minors to hitting on that 14-year-old girl so hard she started yelling, ‘My parents are in that car parked right there!’ And that’s just two examples of shit he did while I was there. That was his good behavior!”
18. Scott
“Fucking Scott. Name not changed because fuck him. Scott is my weird desk neighbor, so I can never escape him. Scott eats hardboiled eggs at his desk. Scott likes to leave his desk drawers open all the time. Scott leaves the fucking volume turned up on his cell phone and gets texts and calls all day. Scott has a sensitivity to perfume and strong scents (which is fine), and will aggressively confront me if he thinks I’ve used something. Scott is a big fan of using Lysol wipes multiple times a day. Scott lets his desk phone ring three or four times before answering, and will inevitably be an asshole to the unfortunate soul on the other end of the line. Scott alternates between looking up fitness and self-help resources and ammo. Scott also never eats the Friday donuts. Scott is a dick. Don’t be like Scott.”
19. Steve
“Steve, he says he’ll do something, doesn’t do it, and then gets pissed off when you do it, because he was just about to do it.”
20. Laura
“Laura—you’re not the manager, you’ve been here two months, stop trying to tell everyone what to do; we’re not going to do it. Also you left all the old ads up last night so the morning people had to rush to take them all down so we wouldn’t still have to give everyone 25% off. That was your only task last night!”
21. Phillipe
“Phillipe.
He milks time. He’s slow on purpose. He doesn’t divide work equally when he’s your partner.
If you even so much as giggle because he tripped over something he’ll sprinkle dirt and grass in your drink or hide your stuff. One guy turned the sprinklers on him as a funny haha (it was 86° F outside, and it happens to everyone at least once. It feels nice. It just can be annoying for like five minutes you get a tiny bit wet) and he threw the guy’s jacket in the urinal and danced on it on the bathroom floor.
He leaves his trash EVERYWHERE. You’re an adult, throw away your Capri Sun and Danimals yogurt cups when you’re done eating you lazy, gross fuck! I don’t want moldy gross yogurt cup with bugs in it on my equipment when I use it!
He’s stolen things. (Allegedly. This one is just what I’ve been told.)”
22. Tom
“Tom. Because he frequently sends emails with 3-4 sentences in the subject and nothing in the body of the email.”
23. Colin
“Colin. Very bad at his job and very patronizing. He sneezes so loudly and so aggressively people on the other side of the building have commented and he doesn’t even cover his mouth. The worst.”
24. Dany
“Dany loves to manage other people who she has no right to manage. She’s the head of a department, but likes to boss around people from other departments in areas where she has absolutely zero purview. Prior to working with us, she was known for not holding employment very long. Plus, she holds advanced certifications that would earn her twice as much money at other companies if she wasn’t such a failure at human interactions.
One time, she tried to impose a new policy on me without running it through the head of the department (my boss) first. When I very politely questioned the reason and rationale for the policy, she got upset. Before leaving her office, I asked to have her give the instructions in writing so they would be clear. Dany didn’t like this. She met with my boss the next day and told my boss I was ‘insubordinate.’ My boss knows me, and knows what a terrible employee Dany is, so she dismissed the accusation. As it turns out, Dany has put instructions in writing before and then gotten SUPER pissed when people have tried to quote her on her written instructions or show her the inconsistencies in a series of instructions.
One day, Dany told my boss I left early. My boss emailed me asking why I’d left early that day. I went into my boss’s office to talk about it the next morning, and I said ‘I left at 4:50, does this qualify as early to you?’ She was astounded. Dany, of course, didn’t say that I left 10 minutes early, just that I’d left early. 10 minutes is not an issue, especially when most of us arrive more than 10 minutes early and are salaried, exempt employees.
Overall, Dany is one of the worst people I have ever worked with. I told the CEO (her boss) after an incident that she created a hostile work environment. He was gathering stories from different employees and said ‘you had to use those three exact words, didn’t you….’
Anyway, she still works there and is by far the weakest link in the company. But because she technically does her job, and is hard to replace, the CEO never got rid of her. Sad. She is poison to the company.”
25. Sandra
“Sandra. Everything is a big drama to her, everything is an outrage or terrible. She’s always complaining or pissed off as though everything about the job is unfair. No one has any major issues and would be happy to just get on with things, but when she’s on a shift you know it’s going to be a slog.”
26. Lauren
“Lauren. Absolutely 200% Lauren. She comes in with a negative attitude, constantly says things like ‘I don’t want to be here,’ ‘why can’t I just go home,’ or ‘there’s no point in having me here today, they should’ve cut me.’ (I work in a restaurant so to be cut means to be released from work for the day.) I tried being nice to you, Lauren, I really did, but your constant negative attitude and the fact that you told everyone I was trying to hit on you when you first started definitely ruined my impression of you.
I wasn’t asking you out, I was trying to get you comfortable with everyone at work. For those of you wondering, when I asked her to go out for drinks my exact words were ‘Hey, a bunch of us are going out for drinks, do you want to come?’ She then proceeded to tell everyone she rejected my offer for drinks and that I got upset because she wouldn’t date me. I never got upset that you said no, Lauren. I got upset because you were spreading fake rumors and that’s why I don’t say a single word to you now.”
27. Frank
“This guy named Frank. We worked in food service and when he first started he seemed nice enough. Always came over to talk to me and made jokes and whatnot. We hung out outside of work a few times and that’s when I started to notice his creepiness. He started hinting at liking me and such, even though he insisted on not wanting a relationship. On top of that I have a boyfriend of two years. Anyways, he didn’t seem to like that so around Valentine’s Day he basically admitted to being in love with me and blah blah, he even stopped by for a visit when I specifically told him no like twenty times. I didn’t let him in and he sat outside for like twenty minutes before I had to threaten to call police. After this incident things at work were eh, we didn’t talk much and for a while he completely ignored me. I tried to let it go and told him that if he backed off we could still be friends (although I would never hang out with him again). It was fine for a while, with a few sprinkles of crude or disrespectful comments. Then after about two months he starts telling me how the girl I replaced was better at everything than I was and how things were better when she was working my position. I let the manager know about this and he talked to him and Frank insisted on it being a joke but that was a lie. I saw a post on Facebook later that night that he posted about a conversation he had with a friend of his talking about wanting to teepee this girl’s house because she was being petty. Was this about me? Probably. I refused to talk to him after that unless it was necessary for work. After we shut down for the semester (we work at a school), there was a picture posted on Facebook of all us coworkers. In the picture it looked like I got smacked because of the awkward time the picture waa taken. Anyways, he replied to that post saying how sometimes he wanted to smack me, too. I replied telling him I knew how to contact police and asked him to stop harassing me. He deleted the comments and messaged me asking why I don’t laugh at his jokes anymore and that if I didn’t want to talk to him anymore I didn’t have to. I never replied. I am now moving and am so glad I never have to deal with this creepy, narcissistic, emotionally immature man twice my age ever again.”
28. Jonah
“His name is Jonah. I work in an ice cream and candy shop, and this kid leaves ice cream smeared on the freezers, counters, and tables every night when he closes up. He can’t package candy for shit and refuses to learn anything. We (the rest of the staff) have sat him down several times to teach him how to properly tie and curl ribbons and how to package candies so they look nice…and he never does it right. I’m always the one that has to fix his work, all while getting behind on my own.
I trained him initially, and I told him specifically to use the purple soap to mop the floor. One night I was closing with him, and I see him pouring a blue liquid into the mop bucket. He told me that’s what he always used (he’d been working there for three months at that point). It was antifreeze. He’d been mopping the floor with antifreeze for three months.
However, he’s not the worst coworker I’ve had at this job. Just the worst one currently. If anybody wants any more stories I’m willing to share.”
29. Theresa
“Theresa. She’s a woman in her late fifties who acts like she’s in middle school. She gossips, spreads rumors, rats on people for the littlest thing just because you made the mistake of rubbing her the wrong way one time, and has a serious Napoleon complex. Management won’t even take her seriously anymore. Not to mention most of her jokes are always entailing sex and then she’ll make a smug apology to me because, ‘Sorry, sweetheart, you don’t need to know that.’
It’s 2017; everyone knows what the fuck cunnilingus is, Terry. You’re not special because someone was once brave enough to venture down yonder on you.
She’s constantly one-upping people in terms of sob stories or trying to paint herself as the selfless martyr. Get a grip, lady; you’re an asshole who sleeps with married men almost exclusively and you always expect everyone to finish your job for you while you got to the bathroom for 30 minutes at the end of the shift. Sit the fuck down and shut up.”
30. Ron
“Ron is a dick. He is always going on and on about being sober but smokes pot all fucking day. It wouldn’t be an issue if it didn’t make him paranoid. He rushes our jobs to the point where our other boss told him to chill the fuck out. He also takes tools out of our hands, and I even told him not to take shit out of my hands. Also calls my new guy, who is from the Congo, Abdul. His name is Claude. Doesn’t even bother to learn these guys’ names. Fuck Ron.”
31. Bob
“Bob. He’s an entitled 80-year-old man who gets paid six figures to sleep half the day. He’s far right-winged and has no qualms imposing his views upon everyone. He’s sexist, racist, and overall an asshole. He’s beaten cancer multiple times and some of us wish he hadn’t.”
32. Gabriel
“My last job I worked at a popular automotive retailer with three mascots with a greasy Puerto Rican manlet named Gabriel who made deep personal jokes at my expense in Spanish to other Puerto Rican customers. He did not know I spoke Spanish. Some of them cut really deep :*(”
33. Brenda
“Her name is Brenda. She is literally the dumbest moron alive. I was promoted from tier-1 tech support to tier-2 tech support and she was moaning and groaning about why it wasn’t her. I should mention. The ISP I work for has tools for both DSL and fiber connections. This ding dong was trying to put fiber-based issues in the DSL tool and DSL issues in the fiber tool.”
34. Debbie
“Fucking Debbie. She’s just SO LOUD. Every morning she comes in, she’s just screaming.”
35. Maggie
“Maggie. She’s about 63 and a former music teacher, she now works at an entry level data entry-ish job. The woman can hardly use a computer, gets irrationally angry any time you try to show her something ‘new,’ like how to search files, and then would get angry at the office at large because ‘why doesn’t anyone write this stuff down?!?!?.’ Because most people don’t need a flowchart to ~open containing folder~ . She also has zero self-awareness and I have many times watched people try to slowly back out of our room when they unwittingly get caught in an hour-long story about Maggie’s hundreds of family members. She always cries when she sees something on Facebook about a niece or nephew that is endearing. No fault there sometimes your touched, but DONT GET OUT OF YOUR CUBE TO COME TO SOMEONE ELSE’S TO show ME SHIT IDC ABOUT AND CRY. Also, she sings songs no one has ever heard before out loud at music teacher volume all day.”
36. Harpreet
“Harpreet. Disrespectful, selfish, loud, talks to much and continues talking when others and I show signs of disinterest, rude to customers, rude to coworkers. One time he yelled ‘WHITE POWER’ out the window for no reason. I’m white and he’s Indian, and that shit was not cool and definitely could have gotten our store in trouble. He gets written up quite often for no-call-no-shows. Also for being rude to customers. Can’t wait ’til he gets fired.”
37. Kevin
“Ugh. Kevin. I was top salesperson in 2016. Kevin was in last place. My sales topped 400K in 2016. His was 123K.
He screwed up more orders than anyone. Management hates him. He’s a nepotism hire, though. I tell them either I switch departments or he does.
I got moved to service. He’s still in sales with 30K in margin for the year. I was in sales for two weeks in January and made 45K in sales.
No one likes him. He was a truck driver before. We sell IT to the government.
To top it off…he’s a practicing Mormon but only practicing the parts he likes.”
38. Josh
“Josh. Josh can’t think in his head, he always talks out his thoughts and what he is doing. ‘I need a Coke, 2 Diet Cokes, and a sweet tea. Got it.’”
39. Jeff
“I’m gonna call him Jeff.
Jeff is very vocal about how he believes that aliens come down and mate with people.
Jeff will also tell anyone within earshot all about the aluminum the government sprays from airplanes and about how fluoride in the water is used to brainwash us.
Jeff has tried to convince me that all the Walmarts are connected underground and they use it to transport children to all the pedophiles in the government. That Michelle Obama is a man and their children are actors.
Jeff believes in a place called Pedophile Island and won’t stop talking about Pizzagate.
Jeff is obsessed with pedophiles; he thinks the old man in his apartment building is a pedophile.
Jeff can’t go a whole day without talking about pedophiles and I’m starting to think that Jeff is a pedophile himself.
Jeff thinks that you can play high-pitched sounds to change the vibration of the water in your body and cure your diseases.
Jeff happens to know a bunch of B-list celebrities and band members and he tells fucking everyone.
Jeff always has a story better than yours or an opinion on how to do whatever you’re doing better.
It’s fine if Jeff chooses to believe all of this, but it’s not fine if you tell me about it every day. And what’s even less fine is that he feels he needs to tell everyone that walks into our shop about these things.
My clients, his clients, walk ins, anyone with working ears has to hear this bullshit every. Fucking. Day.
I wish Jeff would go the fuck away.”
40. Craig
“Craig, the amount of bodily noises you make is astounding. I would not believe a single man could make that much noise by just existing. Nice guy when you talk to him, but the constant belching, farting, groaning, moaning, sighing, coughing, hacking, chewing, smacking and all-around noises force me to use ear buds at work. Go to a doctor and see if that much noise is normal.”
41. Charles
“Charles…this fucking asshole is the world’s biggest sociopath. He is not happy unless he is rolling a bus over you and is surrounded by mountains of work drama. The entire team hates him, he’s not well liked overall, and he’s a lazy fucking bastard who will take credit for other people’s work.”
42. Leslie
“She got fired since she was taken away by the cops after OD’ing on heroin but it was a late 20s girl named Leslie. Literally no one at my restaurant appreciated her. Everyone had something to say about her. She was an extremely diligent worker and acted like she had 10 tables literally every second she worked there. Service could be dead and have only one table and she’d still act like she had 10. We had her tell us when people came in during a buffet so we knew how many people were there, but she would still do it during a normal dinner shift, as if we wouldn’t know from the tickets she would send back. Cause of that one guy would always announce what’s he’s doing when she’s out serving tables. You could tell her something she was doing wrong and would have an excuse prepared for anything she did, such as ‘I’m so sorry, it’s just that I always work this way and I can’t help it’ yadda yadda. She got caught buying weed during her shift once and somehow didn’t get fired but was after she was taken by the cops. Also, a neighboring business told us they saw her once in a car with some guy bobbing her head up and down. I wonder what she could’ve been doing?????”
43. Suzy
“Saccharine Suzy: hyper-positive, very high-pitched voice. Everything is ‘super’ and ‘awesome’ 100% of the time and I can never tell if she is being genuine. She is also touchy and abuses motivational sayings and posters.”
44. Gary
“Fucking Gary. He’s constantly trying to make dumb, cliché jokes that have nothing to do with anything. I’ll be at my desk working and he’ll go, ‘Geez, is it 5:30 yet?’ No Gary, it’s 9:15. Chill. I can’t have work discussions at my desk because he’ll always just interrupt with some stupid joke that has nothing to do with anything and completely derails the conversation.”
45. Matt
“My coworker cropdusts people with the worst-smelling farts ever. He also does annoying things like…
• interrupting people’s work to talk about rucking
• trying to play the “pity games”, e.g., ‘my life is SOOO HARD’ in a lot of conversations
• will not shut up about My Little Pony. He is like 30 and brags about paying for deluxe tickets to BronyCon (or whatever it is called) and paying for autographs
…and then complaining to us about how poor he is (and how he has a trip to Europe with his wife in a month)
But seriously, Matt. We know you’re the one cropdusting everyone.”
46. Barbara
“The person that got this job because she knows the boss. No Barbara, I will not show you how to use Excel, you said you were proficient in it as well as python, which is not a snake.”
47. John
“John. I fucking hate John. I hate how everyone thinks you’re perfect and so awesome at your job when you can’t problem solve your way out of a fucking paper bag. You are good at your job because our supervisor tells you what to do every morning when you go into her office. I literally think about punching you in the face multiple times a day. I also hate that she thinks you’re better than me when I do 10X the work you do. God. Fuck you so much, John.”
48. Stazy
“Strike one, two, and 2 1/2 were when I found out that her name was Stazy. Yes, Stacy, but with a ‘z.’
The final half a strike came when she called off her second day.”
49. Mallory
“Let me tell you all the story of a girl named Mallory. Before she got a job with the entire department (only 4 people) including the manger got together once a week to play D&D and smoke weed at the boss’s house. She got a job with us and everyone in the group liked her (that ass was phat) until she got furious that my coworker/friend Ryan started dating another girl who worked there. After about a week of everyone at work treating Ryan like shit they go back to being friendly.
A few weeks later Drew (the other coworker) and Brian (the boss) ask if they could invite her to play D&D with us we say sure. We play D&D and smoked some weed like we did every week until it was time to go home I couldn’t find the bag of weed I left on the counter but it was late so I figured I must have already put it away and worst case I left it there and I would get it back in a day or two (it has happened before). Well, the weed never shows up and I begin to suspect that she took it. Ask everyone there if they know anything about it they all say something to the effect of ‘I don’t know if she took it but yeah she is the most likely person to take it’ with the exceptions of Brian who says that he doesn’t think she did.
At this point, I and Ryan both don’t like Mallory but are willing to deal with her for the sake of our friends. The D&D group breaks up a few weeks later because they want to hang out with her without us. and factions form Me and Ryan vs Brian, Drew and Mallory. Me and Brian start to get stuck with all the shitty shifts and 75% of the work because the boss is on the other side.
A few months pass and the other faction starts lose a member; I don’t know the whole story but it ends with Malloy telling drew that ‘all his friends either feel bad for him or are using him and that he should just kill himself. It is also around this time the Brian started sleeping with Mallory. (I think this is a good place to point out that Bryan is married with kids.) Brian then gets a job at another store and Mallory’s workload goes from maybe 5% to .05% tops.
I then leave for school but I am back for the summer and last week she walked into the store to steal a pregnancy test.”
50. Lucie
“Lucie!
• despite working here for 20+ years, she still can’t do her job;
• she makes racist/insulting comments and is surprised and upset when people are offended;
• she takes FOREVER to order food; she’ll often call in an order from her cubicle, ask a billion questions about the amount of cheese on the salad she wants, ramble about the cost of extra cheese, tell an anecdote about how she’s trying to lose weight, and then decide to double the cheese;
• she is rude to people who try to help her: for example, she was having computer problems and the first IT guy who came up, Mike, couldn’t fix it, and she got frustrated with him. After he left, another IT guy came up and she just shit-talked Mike the whole time, saying stuff like ‘y est vraiment slow, eh?’ (He’s really slow, isn’t he?); and
• she has the most annoying, nasally girlish voice I have ever heard, and I want to claw my ears out every time she tries to talk to me over the cubicle walls.
Bonus: in the winter, she wears these really clunky boots and you can hear her go CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK throughout the office. In the summer though, it gets worse. She wears flip-flops every day, and the constant SLAP SLAP SLAP makes me reconsider my stance on the morality of murder.”
51. Tina
“I don’t like Tina because she takes her self-esteem issues and brings it into the workplace and is annoyingly condescending, speaks to people in a baby voice (not her natural voice), will fuck up everyone’s email with meeting invites that she messed up the first time, will instant-message you some non-important information then come out to repeat it in said baby voice MULTIPLE times, abuses running office errands, and offered condolences and hugged me four separate times when my uncle died. The last one sounds weird but I had only been working there a few weeks when he died and I do not like when people touch me. She also lies/blames others to cover up her mistakes and lied about the guy who died in a freak chainsaw accident being her next-door neighbor and being home at the time, which the guy died but she definitely isn’t his neighbor. But basically all of her annoying behavior derives from the fact that she doesn’t like that she is almost fifty and an assistant, single (everyone else is in happy relationships), and morbidly obese. I feel bad for her, but I’m there to do my job and not make her feel important.”
52. Olga
“Olga can’t control the volume of her voice and speaks in simple padded sentences. She also has the strongest non-rhotic accent I have ever heard so when you combine the two, her voice is an absolute nightmare. She also manages to eat everything as loud as humanly possible, as though she’s making it a personal challenge to let people all over the world know that she is eating a cracker. What makes it worse is that she can’t eat her lunch in the break room like a normal person. No, she has to eat her smelly microwave dinner at her desk so that it sounds like a pack of hyenas feasting in the next cubicle over.
Olga has been working for the company for at least a decade, doing the same simple tasks, using the same computer system that has been used since 1988. Despite this, she has no fucking clue what she’s doing. I’ve seen her ask the newest person in the office for help.
She also has her computer screen set up for invert colors. At first I assumed it was because of a vision problem but I now doubt that. Something tells me it’s either a prank from a coworker or she smashed her forehead on the keyboard and doesn’t know how to change it back to normal.”
53. Anne
“Fucking Anne. I work a 4-8AM shift every Sunday morning. Anne’s shift starts at 8AM, ends at noon. EVERY SUNDAY Anne is late to the shift, which forces me to stay at the desk for extra time. Honestly, being a few minutes late is normally no big deal, but it is every single week, usually averaging on 15 minutes late. We both live in the building that we work in, so I cannot for the life of me understand how Anne is late to every single one of her shifts.
I told Anne to get up earlier so she can make it to her shift on time. She said she just can’t wake up.
Anne has walked into the building with bloodshot eyes at 5AM, while I am working, and proceeded to not come until 8:30AM to her shift. This has happened multiple times.
Anne has messaged the group chat for our coworkers asking for coverage while she’s in the middle of her shift. No one responds. This has happened 6+ times.
Anne has apologized once, then continued to be late to her shifts.
Anne seeks coverage for maybe 50% of her shifts, which she often gets, and when I had legitimate medical reasons for needing coverage, I didn’t receive it.
Anne is an RA and a desk attendant who is favored by the hall director, and yet she utterly failed at both these jobs for the entire semester.
Anne is going to be a Senior RA in a new building next year and I am so anxiously waiting for the news that she completely fails at the job.”
54. Jane
“Let’s call her Jane. She’s a very loud middle-aged woman with no concept of personal space, indoor voices, or keeping her nose out of other people’s business.
A month or so ago she almost got a colleague (Mary) fired after she report that Mary was stealing to support her drug habit.
Mary is a volunteer policewoman in her spare time, so a drug allegation could really muck up her future.
What Jane thought was a drug deal was actually joke Mary made about being overworked and needing a pick-me-up to see her through the day. Mary meant espresso, Jane thought she meant cocaine. So logically as Jane is in the same wage bracket as Mary and is broke, Mary must be broke too so must be stealing to get drugs!”
55. Denise
“The coworker that acts all snarky and condescending just because she gets a little power (doesn’t even sign your checks), causing the other coworkers to clown her all the time. Looking at you, ‘Denise.’”
56. Dan
“I’m going to tell you the story about my ex-coworker Dan (age 43) (fuck you Dan). A little back story, we worked in a family-owned tire shop. I was the new service writer/sales personnel, Dan was the Team lead in the shop with five years’ experience. He’s about 100 lbs soaking wet, ex-crackhead, alcoholic, and lies through his teeth.
So onto the stories. I was warned by both my bosses that Dan had a habit of telling bullshit stories. Needless to say this became very apparent after my first week there. The first story he told me was his legs are so fucked-up because he’s the only person in the world with this disability (he never would tell me exactly what it was called, or what the actual disability was). He had to be in casts from the time he was born until he was 16. While at the same time (around 16) he was in school full time, running TWO roofing crews full time, and also running around stealing bikes and chopping them and reselling them on the streets. The next story he told me (that I can remember) is how he’s only the second Canadian in history to jump out of a plane without his gear on and put it on mid-fall. Third story is he has only ever landed in two planes, and the rest he sky-dove out of. Then after telling that story he came onto the story of how he jumped from out of space to Earth just like Felix Baumgartner. Except he didn’t jump from 40,000 feet, he jumped from 400,000 feet. Also how he trained the Afghanistan Army how to snipe, and that he was the most proficient sniper in the Canadian Army with a 50 cal. (News flash, Canadian Army doesn’t use 50 cal rifles). Also how every time he drinks instant coffee if reminds him of being in the Army. (I’m pretty sure he never even made it out of boot camp).
Dan also had a bad habit of NEVER FUCKING COMING TO WORK. Last year the cocksucker missed 91 days of work, the year before 86 days, 96 the year prior. While he was a good worker when he showed up, any poor semi driver who waited by their vehicles for work to be done, had to hear all his bullshit stories.
So all in all, Daniel is my least favorite coworker due to the fact he’s a pathological liar, he’s a fucking drunk ass piece of shit. He also had to get his mom to lie for him most days, calling in like ‘yeah Dan’s still sick, we’re trying to get him an appointment with his doctor.’ Or Dan would use his mentally disabled kid as an excuse as to not show up for work. ‘Oh, Jacob’s really sick, poor kids been puking all night.’ FUNNY THING DAN, we all know Jacob lived with your mother, because if he lived in your house, he’d be in the hospital with how gross your house is, covered in mold and with your hording issues.
tl;dr—coworker with mental issues, who actually was a good worker when he showed up would lie a shit ton. No one believed him. Got his mom to lie for him when he was ‘sick.’ Missed nearly three months of work yearly. Made his mom pick up his stuff when he decided to stop showing up for work.”
57. Chris
“Fucking Chris.
Fucking Chris is the guy who will make the same joke not only every day, but every single time he sees you . Which, depending, could be upwards of thirty times. It’s like he has a pneumonic device for people or something, and an unfortunate tendency to say it out loud.
He’s also a shoulder rubber/constant high-fiver which is just the icing on the goddamn cake.”
58. Brad
“This was at last job I had, but just thinking about it still makes me rage….
Brad was a decent dude normally, hard worker, genuinely concerned about helping out our customers. But Brad had a bad habit of complaining about his wife and how she ‘abused’ him constantly, and constantly claiming to be an ‘abused spouse.’ He told us he cheated on her once a few years back, and she was paranoid about him doing it again so kept him ‘under her thumb’. Ordinarily this would be understandable, but he probably just said the words ‘I’m an abused spouse’ every 15 minutes followed by some random text he’d just gotten from her.
I kinda felt bad for the guy. But you can only hear someone casually mention being ‘abused’ so many times after having actually been through it yourself and almost being killed. Maybe it was just me but it got to the point where even his voice started grating on my nerves.”
59. Jennifer
“Jennifer.
She refuses to do a lot of her job and people just excuse it because she doesn’t ‘like people,’ but her whole job is about interacting with people…Everyone makes excuses for her and it makes me feel bad because I work my butt off to do my job well, and she just kinda picks and chooses what parts of her job she wants to do and fills the rest of her time doing fun projects that aren’t part of the job description.”
60. Russell
“Russell. He is like a human puppy. He is always bouncing off the walls and overly peppy and just acts magoo.
I like positive people, but his energy level wears me the fuck out. He’s a sales rep, and he’s very good at taking care of his clients, but it’s at the expense of the service department. He spends his free work time calling his customers and asking if they need any service on anything. It’s cool that he calls to see if they’re happy, but these people pay for service contracts where all of their service calls are covered under a blanket fee. He almost makes it not worth it for the company because he runs our service department to death. These people will let us know if they an issue that needs being fixed; please stop taking advantage of the service department because it makes it harder to fix more serious issues on time.”
61. Darrell
“Darrell. Stinks like booze every morning, red in the face and grumpy, rude to everyone. He goes to his car for a minute or two on every break, to…do something? And he always smells like beer after his lunch break, which he leaves on. Did I mention he is our receiver and drives a forklift all day? IDK why management didn’t let him go years ago.”
62. Misty
“Misty, with her big fat ass she thinks she’s better than everyone because her husband is one of the head guys in the office. She treats people terribly like she’s the boss bitch of the office unless the topic is about her (e.g., her vacations or how good she is in Excel). She’s got a pretty face that she puts too much blush on (I’m a guy and I don’t know shit about makeup but Misty, seriously chill the fuck out with the blush). I want to hate-fuck her from behind so much and breed her for five kids.”
63. Brandon
“Brandon. He likes to go on about people being lazy, sitting on his phone, watching me do my job without offering to help. I got promoted from him complaining to my boss about me telling him how to do his (my) job, when she told him I was his boss now.”
64. Todd
“Fucking Todd. He’s a server, I’m a chef. Dude is an aspiring DJ. Tall, skinny, super white. He calls everyone ‘kid’ and loves to up sell without charging then he comes and tries to talk the kitchen into giving out free stuff. I don’t care how much the club was pumping last night, get your own fucking blueberries, kid.”
65. Sam
“Sam, this druggie piece of shit who barely does any work, always tries to leave early, cuts every corner he can, comes in late fucked up or using bullshit excuses all the time.”
66. Rory
“Rory. He complains he doesn’t get any hours but never offers to take any days. He’s slow and is an extreme know-it-all. If you prove him wrong he gets quiet and does his work even slower!! He is babied to the point of discomfort by his mother. Always makes excuses for being late for work. Only good thing about him is he forgot he lent me The Witcher 3.”
67. Carl
“Carl. Fuck Carl.
We make high-precision, very labor-intensive optics where I work.
Carl receives lenses after they’ve had dozens of man-hours across four people poured into them to make them perfect.
Carl then destroys the shit out of half of them and then more need to be made. He always acts as though the machines he works on are at fault rather than himself.
He acts like we should make more parts as some sort of sacrifice to him.
Worst of all, he doesn’t maintain his machine and it STINKS…and I mean it smells legitimately toxic. The third-party contractor we hire to fix machines won’t even fix his because his company won’t let him risk his health sticking his head in there.
When we got new coolants and lubricants that eliminated bacteria on their own, Carl decided that the new coolant smelled awful and corrosive and was hazardous to his health. He is currently acting as though we need to change back because the new coolant (which no one else can smell, only him) is a health hazard.
So he breaks all of our hard work. He blames us for not making enough parts or the machine for breaking the parts…never owns up to his own faults. He also insists on causing health hazards to everyone else and, when blue rectified the problem, he complains.
Fuck Carl.”
68. Kelly
“Her name’s Kelly. She’s a condescending bitch who won’t shut the fuck up about how sweet and intelligent her only child is. Nobody gives a fuck that he took a poop on his own in the potty the other day, Kelly. Nobody.”
69. Janice
“I have a coworker, ‘Janice,’ who brings her infant child into work, puts it on the floor, and lets it scream its little heart out all day long. I work at a desk and have to inspect the floor before I move my chair in case I run over her spawn. It makes me rage just thinking about it. Janice also likes to come into work and tell everyone the latest prank she pulled on her poor innocent husband, including but not limited to pretending she is pregnant or cheating on him.”
70. Curtis
“Where’s IT Power Trip Curtis? Fuck you, Curtis, no one thinks you’re hot shit, just give me Acrobat.”
71. Christine
“Christine was a habitual liar and a master manipulator. She would come off as a super mom, hard worker, and just the greatest friend. She would lie about things like ‘miscarriages,’ her house, her kids, and oh needed 4 and a half months off a desk job for a sprained wrist. But she still walked the dog, raked leaves, went on vacation, and hung out with her kids.
Ironically, she sprained her wrist right around the time she was hoping to get a leave from work to be with her kids as she was going through a divorce. Came back to work and didn’t understand why no one was excited she came back.”
72. Donna
“Fuck you, Donna. I’ve been here more days than you this whole year AND I took maternity leave.”
73. Julie
“Julie, you bitch. she started rumors about me sleeping with another coworker just because she was jealous of our friendship. I hope all that talking behind my back comes back and bites you in the ass one day.”
74. Brian
“Brian. Gets to work about 15 minutes early. Walks into the building on time to clock in. Spends about 10 minutes prepping for his day, then spends about 20 minutes in the bathroom. Later gets annoyed when nobody reminds him that it’s lunchtime. Comes back from lunch and takes another 20-minute dump. Takes another poop break sometime later in the day. In between poop breaks works half-assed and watches subbed anime on his phone, both earphones in, meaning we have to go out of our way to get his attention when we need something. Always see his ass crack when he bends over. Generally smells all day. Fucking weebos.”
75. Brett
“A guy named Brett. Constantly underperforms his very simple manual labor intensive duties. Blames everyone else when he’s called out, backtalks managers and coworkers alike, and constantly talks and talks to anyone who will listen to his stories. It’s like dude, no one cares, get back to work. And he stinks, does not shower, but he obviously knows that he should cuz he sometimes comes in smelling like BO with a tiny layer of deodorant on top.”
76. Michael
“Michael. He’s a real grump and he doesn’t fit in well with the rest of the office. He’s old as shit and refers to seat belt laws as a symptom of the ‘nanny state.’ Every discussion leads to his opinions on shit and he sighs really loud just to get people to ask him about what he’s working on so he can bitch for the next 30 minutes. I don’t fucking care, Michael! I wish you’d work from home every day!”
77. Victor
“Victor.
Fucking hell.
Falls asleep at his desk.
Doesn’t listen to explanations.
Walks away halfway through explanations.
Talks over the top of you.
Sneaks up behind you and taps the desk to get your attention.
Will awkwardly stand next to you in the middle of important conversation to ask something non-critical and mundane.
If he doesn’t like the answer he will continue to ask the same question to the next higher manager until he himself is asked, ‘why are you asking me? What did your manager say?’
My coworkers and I are confident that the dust that exists on our desks comes from his incessant scratching of his legs for five minutes straight.
Being greeted with a surprised ‘WHAT?!’ when someone tried to talk to him about something work-related.
And the cherry on top. Lunch is an intimate affair with the three surrounding cubicles. It’s akin to a pig eating from a trough but with a Hoover vacuum cleaner running at be same time. And just when you think lunch is over. BAM it’s the sweet, sweet suckling sounds of him lathering his fingers (the ones he used to eat with or scoop out the remains of his soup) with his spit to clean them.
We all fear lunch time.
Fucking Victor.”
78. Colleen
“Fucking Colleen. Ohhh, let me tell you about Colleen.
Colleen has worked at my store for the last 13 years. She was there for the previous two iterations of the premises and is still here as one of the few surviving members of staff. One can only assume Colleen ate them due to her large girth, but that’s another thing entirely.
Despite being at this store for 13 years, Colleen is incapable of performing the most basic functions of a customer assistant. She does not know how to do refunds, she sometimes completely neglects people if they are waiting and continues to talk to whoever is in front of her despite their obvious discomfort, she is slow, she takes extended and unwarranted breaks (again due to her large girth) and because of the length of her tenure, she seems to think that she can tell you how to do your job despite the fact she’s never once stepped off the checkout.
Furthermore, it should be noted that for each year you work with us, you gain an extra day’s holiday to your name. Remember when I said Colleen has been at this store for 13 years? That’s right, she gets an additional 13 days’ holiday every year to supplement her 13 days’ holiday she already has, on top of refusing to ever do bank holidays. I guess, standing up for four hours every week is very strenuous for someone with a physique like Colleens. Again, despite having a lot of holiday to use, Colleen will never cover your shift. Ever. You are there to cover her and nothing else.
Quick Fire round!
She only ever talks about her kids.
She takes twice as long as everyone else to do her mandatory fire safety training, that she’s done for the last 13 years in a row.
She is late at least 70% of the time.
She will ask you a question and then interrupt you mid-answer.
Still thinks we sell stationary. (We stopped 6 months ago Colleen, stop calling me over to ask if we have any.)
tl;dr: Fuck Colleen. She’s a fat, boring, incompetent, brain-dead employee who should have been fired long before I ever started working there.”
79. Adam
“Adam. I’m pretty sure he was a fetal alcohol child because he’s borderline retarded. He can’t do simple multiplication.
For instance, I work in maintenance , once I was putting fire extinguishers in a square basket, when I made put 6 in there and was about to start a new row he wanted to make a bet of how many fire extinguishers would fit in the basket. I of course went with 36…he claimed only 20…
He doesn’t ever seem to think before doing anything. He’s lazy, always absorbed into his phone unless a lead or supervisor pops in, goes from forklift to other vehicles. Does jobs no one tells him to do (e.g., voluntarily helping his friends in other departments) complains about nearly any work he’s actually told to do.
He smells all the damn time. I caught him urinating inside the fucking building behind parked dump trucks because he didn’t want to walk 30 feet, and go outside and pee. He’s loud. And interrupts you any time you’re trying to say something. To anyone.
If I was a supervisor I’d have fired him a long time ago and I think the only reason he’s still there is because ours pities him. I get along with just about anyone else but him. In my second month, he borrowed $20 for ‘gas’ and claimed he’d pay me back $30 the next payday. Four years in and he hasn’t paid back a dime.
I’m not a violent person but the only reason I haven’t slashed his tires is because I don’t want to pick on the retarded.”
80. Justin
“Justin. We work in a machine shop and he does all our powder coating. Constantly negative, never gets his work done which slows down 3/4 of the building. Spends most of his day outside smoking, nothing against smokers (I am one). Got a raise because the owner thought that would turn his attitude around, but within 30 minutes he was complaining that we don’t get paid enough. His negativity brings down the morale of the whole shop. But finding someone willing to shoot powder all day is a challenge and so Justin still has a job.”
81. Molly
“Molly. FUCKING MOLLY.
Weirdly, she was hired by accident. It was a less-grand version of a Shakespearean case of mistaken identity. I’d interviewed someone with the same name and similar physical features a few days earlier and left word with the manager that she was a winner if she came back. So he happily met me at the door one day to let me know that Molly had returned, and had been hired! Great! Except…wrong Molly.
This Molly was unbelievably slow, incapable of doing simple tasks, was possibly fucking her brother (who brought her lunch every day and sat in the break room holding her hand while they ate together), and yet was somehow also incomprehensibly smug. She bragged about her previous ‘government job’ (she’d worked at a fast-food restaurant that was located on a military base), refused to accept correction of any kind, and seemed to find new ways of indulging in needless stupidity daily.
When she was fired, it took her two days to figure out that she didn’t have a job. Those days were interesting. The first time, she drove in as usual, tried to clock in, and had to be told once again that she no longer had a job. The second time (the next day), she had someone drop her off. She then wrote her arrival time on a sticky note, left it on the manager’s computer, and sat down at her old desk and started busily going about her day. That time, we had to threaten her with calling the police if she didn’t leave. She took the hint, called her ride (brother, of course), and then sat outside in a handicapped parking spot until he arrived to pick her up several hours later.
Molly.”
82. Linda
“Linda. She has a comment for everything. The most annoying Linda-ism is that any time you’re in the kitchen, she rolls by slowly and makes some sort of comment about whatever you’re eating. ‘Wow, that’s a lot of strawberries!’ ‘That doesn’t look like enough food for lunch.’ ‘Huh, that pasta looks weird, what is it?’ JUST LET ME EAT MY LUNCH IN PEACE, LINDA. GOD.”
83. Clint
“Fucking Clint.
The man is basically those manatees from South Park but with business buzzwords. Nothing he says actually means anything when you break it down. He never commits to a goddamn thing and he’s a pathological liar. On a sad note, I think he’s going to end up with Alzheimer’s.”
84. Wayne
“That would be Wayne, the old timer who always smells like he needs a shower or change of clothes, and who is always giving me crap about trying too hard because (I do my best to stay out of it but) I make him look bad when my boss assigns me to work on something he’s been in charge of before. At first he was patronizing but friendly. Lately things have escalated so I almost think I must be interfering with kickbacks he gets from our contractors or something, because he’s getting more openly hostile.”
85. Tracey
“Tracey. Poisonous, incompetent, hateful short little troll. Honest to god she is the only person I’ve ever wished a slow painful death on.”
86. Tammy
“Tammy. She is praised because she says ‘exactly what she thinks’ and is ‘upfront’ and ‘honest.’ No, Tammy. You’re a bitch, Tammy.”
87. Peter
“Peter, aka ‘the cat talker,’ aka ‘moopy,’ aka slug Jerry. He’s not passive-aggressive, he’s just passively passive yet spends most of the day talking about himself. He used to be a runner and would talk essentially nonstop about it. How many miles he ran each day, the marathons, his shoes, etc. He literally—and I use that term correctly—destroyed his body, both hips and both knees, through various injuries and overtraining.
So he was told his running career was over but he should get replacement knees and hips. He refused to do so until replacements were good enough that he could resume running marathons. He took up biking, which ruined his body even more because he overdid it every single day. I know it was every day because every day he would go from office to office repeating the same thing over and over. Now he can barely walk, let alone bike. He’s put on at least 40 lbs. He had a pulmonary embolism and is on blood thinners. Now every day he makes the rounds telling everyone what his ‘numbers are’ and how the doctors can’t balance them.
He apologized to a female employee because his wife thinks he’s having an affair with her, despite the fact that she can’t stand him. So we have no idea where that came from.
He smells like a damp sandwich. A musty, yeasty smell. I have no idea why, but an hour after he’s in the elevator it’s detectable. Being in a meeting with him is intolerable and people won’t sit near him.
He’s the butt of almost every joke in the office and pretty much everything he does is either shit or needs to be redone. He’s a database programmer, or at least he thinks he is. I took one of his worst stored procedures (at least dozens of lines of code and many temp tables, he adores temp tables) and did it in a single select statement).
Also, he’s a vegetarian.
I finally had to say ‘Peter, I don’t care’ and since then he leaves me alone.”
88. Kyla
“Kyla. after a few years, I got promoted above her for doing a great job. The last year I was there, she started telling clients that the reason I was promoted above her was because I had been fucking the boss.
These rumors caused my coworkers to alienate me and clients to leave the firm. I ended up leaving after HR couldn’t be fucked sustaining the complaint despite the evidence I gave them. Fuck you Kyla and fuck you, unnamed former employer.”
89. Tyler
“This guy named Tyler. He is this sassy dude who is gay and flaunts it around like crazy. In the worst ways imaginable. He tries to relate to me being bisexual, which is fine, but he always wants to tell me his sexual experiences and I hate it. Even asked him to stop. Inappropriate and a shitty worker. Sits on his phone all day while cashiering at Jimmy John’s. It’s annoying.”
90. Don
“His name is Don. When I was working first shift, he was the third shift supervisor. Don received so many complaints that they relieved him of his supervisor duties (for the second time, first time I was not an employee), and they tried to cover it up by giving him a made-up title, moving him to first (to avoid conflicts with the new supervisor), and trying to convince me that my skills would flourish on the night shift (I refused). Had to work with him for a while side by side, and he’s a walking OSHA hazard.
Fast forward three years, I’m now working 2nd shift, and I get to walk in every day and clean up every literal and figurative mess he makes.
The downside is, there is no way the place I work will get rid of him. His nose is buried way too deep in the plant manager’s ass, and because in the injection Molding business, especially in my current location, employees with experience are extremely hard to find/ acquire.”
—JR71
91. Tiffany
“Tiffany. I work at an after-school program at an elementary school. I work directly with the kids, all she does is work the stupid table, meaning she calls for the kids over the walkie-talkie. She makes six dollars more than I do an hour, not that that’s her fault (somehow I guess sitting on your ass for three hours and making sure parents sign their kids out is more important than actually taking care of them). My issue is that she’s a lazy bitch. She calls out of work whenever she feels, mostly only working two or three days a week. On the days that she is there, she usually leaves early, sometimes only doing half her shift. And the program director lets her get away with it because she’s a doormat. Tiffany also likes to think she’s the boss and that she can tell the assistants and aides what to do. Like no sweetie, the program and director and site supervisor tell us what to do, not you. There was a lot of drama recently between Tiffany and the site supervisor because Tiffany thinks she runs the show. Tried telling the site supervisor that once all of the kids in our group were gone, we had to leave. I am scheduled to be here for three hours; therefore, I will be here for three hours, you dumb cunt. If all my kids are gone after two, I’ll go hang out with another group. She also tried getting on my case because a girl in my group was being ‘bullied’ because another girl kicked her under the table a couple times and I ‘needed to write her up.’ I can’t do anything if she doesn’t tell me what’s going on. I have almost 20 kids to pay attention to, I’m making sure kids are signing in so we don’t get in trouble with the state, if something is going on UNDERNEATH THE TABLE WHERE I CAN’T SEE then the kid needs to bring it to my attention. God, I hate her. The schools in my district are getting switched around and my supervisor out in a request to have me go with her to another school so hopefully none of us will have to deal with her anymore.”
92. Dakota
“Dakota. The girl comes in high/hungover af, every day. We sell cell phones, so she takes that as ‘hide behind the counter and play on your cell phone.’ Never greets customers, never offers to actually do her job. Gets upset when we send her to another part of the store. Complains about her life (not having a car, baby daddy probs, Facebook drama, etc.). Like, I know we stopped drug testing, but when someone is THIS lazy and makes it impossible to keep up with the work load, can we not make one exception?!”
93. Peter
“Peter. Screw this guy. The place I work at only has eight employees, plus manager. Recently it was announced that four of us would be made ‘supervisor’ to help, and he was one of the four. It literally includes zero power, it’s just a title that means ‘you’ve been here long enough to lock up at night.’ As soon as it was announced Peter has become lord over everything. He will hover right behind people’s shoulder and comment on what they do, because clearly he’s the boss now. Fuck off we all have the same damn job!!!”
94. Rob
“Rob is an idiot. Rob is sexist. Rob asks weird questions. Rob is bad at his job. Rob is lazy. Rob is vain.
Rob is an idiot: He didn’t know that sometimes when pets become ill and elderly, you have to put them down. He considered this akin to killing a grandma. He also regularly forgets my name despite having worked with me for five months. Rob didn’t know that some people get plastic surgery for other reasons than just to look hot. Rob was amazed when I tried a trash bag to make it stay secure on the can. Rob said that people of different religions shouldn’t date and the reason my Catholic dad cheated on his wife of 25 years was because she was an atheist.
Rob is sexist: Rob likes to lecture me (a woman) about my dating life. I sleep around a bit, yeah, but I’m allowed to. Rob always gets in my business about who I am dating, who I should be dating, etc. Rob thinks all women are the same. When asked about what I would do in random scenarios, he calls me another ‘lying female.’ He also hits on any girl in a skirt and cheats on his girlfriends frequently. One time, he said I looked different. He said it was probably because I looked like I put on maybe fifteen pounds.
Rob asks weird questions: ‘Are you on birth control?’ ‘Are you going to be a photographer?’ ‘Do you know it’s a sin to live with three men?’ ‘Are you smart, like do you have a high IQ?’ ‘Did you vote for Trump?’ ‘Do you like the smell of chocolate?’ ‘Can we eat jelly fish?’
Rob is bad at his job: 50% of his sales were returned last month or had to be remade. He is also always on his phone when customers are around and need help. One time he had to close by himself and forgot to turn the lights off, lock the back door, and messed up the count sheet we use in the morning to make sure our money is all in order.
Rob is lazy: Rob will sit on his phone while I make files, take the trash out, clean the break room, clean the bathroom, vacuum, count the money, wipe down the desks, help customers, take phone calls. Then he gets mad when I ask him to do the final count.
Rob is vain: One time he asked me to take photos of him posing dramatically at the window. I humored him because it was some silly shit. I took pictures for about twenty minutes as he positioned me and made sure the lighting was good. Then he sat and edited the pictures for two hours.
I can’t stand Rob.”
95. Ben
“Names changed to protect the innocent. I have this coworker named Ben. Ben is your average neckbeard, about 5’11”, 280lbs, glasses, long matted hair, and a neckbeard that would make r/justneckbeardthings beam with pride. We’re a very small company in a very specific trade, so we all rely very heavily on each other to get work done and it’s very hard to find replacements. Ben knows this and takes full advantage by putting forth no more than 30% effort at any given time. There have been days where I have caught him literally wandering back and forth across our shop, picking up a screwdriver and taking it back and forth. As if his ridiculously slow pace and nonexistent work ethic weren’t enough, he also takes approximately 4-10 shit breaks every day. You heard that right folks, 4-10 shit breaks ‘every single day.’ And as the icing on the cake, this man NEVER showers, and leaves large amounts of what I have dubbed ‘ass flakes’ on the toilet seat. Basically a mixture of dead skin cells, pubic hairs, and sometimes literal human shit. There is no possible way he doesn’t notice it. But he never cleans it, leaving it for the next lost soul to clean it up for him. Anyway, I could go on and on about Ben but this has gotten really long. If anybody is interested I have LOTS of stories about Ben.”
96. Daryl
“Daryl, he always tries to leave first and once got super pissed-off and was doing everything in an angry way and shaking his fists because his girlfriend didn’t text him back saying bye.”
97. Joe
“Joe. He’s the WORST. He constantly repeats himself, but not throughout the day or week, immediately after he says something he says it five more times until you ‘OK’ him to death. And this is every single time he opens his mouth. Also, if you’re doing something he will linger over you and HAVE to make a comment on what you’re doing…then repeat it 5 more times.”
98. Katie
“Fucking Katie. A 23-year-old Kardashian wannabe. Vocal fry and all, she’s the worst.”
99. Ashley
“Ashley. I work in a very large department store in the fitting room. Ashley was recently moved from the floor above us to our floor because she got into a verbal altercation with another worker. She’s been on our floor about a week or so and literally everyone hates her. She’s rude and disrespectful. She likes to order everyone around like she’s a supervisor (she’s not). She’ll point to a bag of stuff and say ‘Run it’ with so much attitude. She’s rude to customers and whenever you are telling a story Ashley will try to one-up you. For example, I picked up an extra-long shift on my day off and was complaining about it (even though I had done this to myself. It was mostly how I regretted picking up an extra shift). Then Ashley said, ‘Oh, you’re working 6 hours? Well I had to work 9 hours straight with no break! The supervisors never told me when my break was so I just worked 9 hours!’ Bitch, It’s not a contest. Then one time I was leaning against the wall for a minute (again, long shift) and Ashley said ‘You’re tired, he (referring to another worker who was slacking off quite a bit) is lazy and neither of you want to work!” These are just my encounters with her. Everyone has a problem with Ashley.”
100. Rick
“That has to be Rick. Me and Rick are the only males at our job. Rick always get his piss on the toilet seat and doesn’t clean it up. He always never flushes. He then proceeds to blame it on me when one of the girls complains.”
