1. During sex, out of nowhere, Siri turns on and says ‘I’m listening.’.
“During sex, out of nowhere, Siri turns on and says ‘I’m listening.’ That threw me off for a bit.”
2. I started to give him a BJ and after a few bobs I looked up to see him texting.
“Well, oral sex. I started to give him a BJ and after a few bobs I looked up to see him texting…”
3. My five-year-old son proceeded to slap my ass while I was power-driving my wife.
“My son snuck into the room while he was supposed to be sleeping, he’s 5, not sure how long he was standing behind us for but he proceeded to slap my ass while I was power-driving my wife…it stopped very fast.”
4. My braces got caught on a pillow.
“My braces got caught on a pillow.”
5. She mixed up the lube container with the travel-size hand sanitizer next to it.
“She mixed up the lube container with the travel-size hand sanitizer next to it.”
6. Someone broke into our house.
“She thought she heard someone break into my house. And she was correct.”
7. She got a rejection letter from Yale halfway through fucking.
“She worked ridiculously hard for 4 years in high school to get into Yale. She got the rejection letter halfway through fucking. In retrospect I probably shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted to keep going to take her mind off it.”
8. He had a piece of dingleberry. I immediately left.
“My head hanging off the side of the bed, him face-fucking me. In this position, you get a very nice view of the man’s buttocks. Except he had a piece of dingleberry. I immediately left.”
9. With each thrust, the hole at the tip of his penis would open and close like a little mouth singing a jovial, albeit silent tune.
“He was fucking my breasts and I made the mistake of looking down.
With each thrust, the hole at the tip of his penis would open and close like a little mouth singing a jovial, albeit silent tune.
Where I was, it was an unexpected cartoon on mute. From his perspective, I looked at his cock and laughed.”
10. The following hour was spent picking balsa and basswood slivers out of her ass.
“We were both really drunk. She went to switch positions and fell off the bed. Right onto a rather expensive RC plane I had built about a week prior. Absolutely destroyed it. The following hour was spent picking balsa and basswood slivers out of her ass.”
11. Broken dick.
“She was on top. Dick popped out. She came down. Dick got bent.”
12. We realized the lump under the pile of blankets we were having sex on was a passed-out guest.
“It was at a party and we realized the lump under the pile of blankets we were having sex on was a passed-out guest.”
13. My fucking head hit the corner of our dresser and my scream woke both of our kids into full-on screaming.
“Once we realized both of our kids were napping we ran to the bedroom knowing at any minute we could be stopped by a crying baby. Fast and furious mid-afternoon sex, trying to make it to the finish line…. We hear a faint crying through the baby monitor, and she yelled hurry up! I jumped up right before I finished to put it in her mouth, forgetting that our ceiling fan was on high. I stuck my head directly into it, knocking me off our unusually high bed. My fucking head hit the corner of our dresser and my scream woke both of our kids into full-on screaming. She leaves to get the kids, I’m lying on my floor still partially erect and in agony. I did not finish.”
14. He fucked me to unconsciousness.
“I fainted. We were going at it and it felt amazing. Suddenly I tunnel-visioned, yelled something incomprehensible, and passed out. We like to refer to it as the time he fucked me to unconsciousness.”
15. I try to slap her ass and hit myself in the balls instead.
“She’s on top I try to slap her ass and hit myself in the balls instead.”
16. She was in the cowgirl position and our thighs started making farting sounds.
“She was in the cowgirl position and our thighs started making farting sounds. She couldn’t stop laughing.”
17. She farted on my balls, which made her laugh so hard that she peed on me.
“She farted on my balls, which made her laugh so hard that she peed on me.”
18. Night ended with a trip to the ER, a broken nose, and two black eyes.
“I had recently torn some muscles in my shoulder playing ice hockey. I was on top holding myself up and my shoulder gave out. I landed right on her face with all my weight. Night ended with a trip to the ER, a broken nose, and two black eyes.”
19. A cold, wet dog nose touching my butt shut down the sexy time pretty quickly.
“A cold, wet dog nose touching my butt shut down the sexy time pretty quickly.”
20. Got walked in on by my high-school football team.
“Got walked in on by my high-school football team. The first guy to come in literally yelled ‘HE WAS LICKING HER BEAVER!’”
21. I accidentally ruptured her spleen.
“In college, girlfriend at the time felt a little sick but well enough for sexy time. Halfway through and I’m trying to switch positions from being on top. Being that we were on a small dorm-room bed, there wasn’t much room to move around. Accidentally put my full body weight on her side. Turns out, she had mono and her spleen was severely enlarged, so when I put my body weight on it, it ruptured. She ran out screaming, crying, and naked. Ended up in the ER that night and I got mono the next week.”
22. Her daughter picked the lock and came in the room, thinking I was hurting her mom.
“Her daughter picked the lock and came in the room, thinking I was hurting her mom. Weiirdddd.”
23. Surprise period during sex, boyfriend faints and splits head open.
“So every lady has had a moment in time where they thought they were done with Mother Nature’s monthly visit. This is one of those times, but worse.
My boyfriend and I were going at it and during that time, my body decided that I was, in fact, not done with my period. I didn’t notice (for obvious reasons), however my boyfriend had a much different view. We went to change positions, and he happened to look down. Blood. Blood everywhere. Now normally, we do our business if I’m bleeding or not because showers, but this was quite a shock.
He faints. I watched the color drain from his face and he stumbled backwards and hit the closet door. He went down to the ground, where there was a cement floor under our carpet (because apartment life). I’m standing over him, and I go to pull him up to get him conscious, and I feel a wet, pulsing feeling in my hands. He split the back of his head open and was now bleeding.
The shittiest part: my sister had my car, and was visiting our mom. If she booked it back, I’d have a 40-minute wait minimum.
So I call 911. I manage to get through the call and tell the dispatcher the reason, and I get off the phone. As I was hanging up, I’m pretty sure I heard the dispatcher giggle. ‘We were having sex and he fell’ is not how I wanted to tell a stranger why my boyfriend was bleeding (and now conscious). Afterwards, I proceed to call my sister and mother about 20 times, and finally give up and proceed to open my front door and get my pets put in another room for the EMTs.
EMTs arrive, get my boyfriend situated in the back of the ambulance. By now my sister called me back and is going to meet me at the hospital. People are out gawking in the parking lot as I climb into the ambulance. We get to the ER and they give my boyfriend 9 staples, we go over the concussion drill, go home, and prepare for the phone calls.
Most people think he tripped over the cat climbing into bed, not fucking his girlfriend while her body decided to surprise period. Good times.
TL;DR surprise period during sex, boyfriend faints and splits head open. After ER visit, told people he tripped over the cat.”
24. I asked her to say my name, and she started laughing uncontrollably.
“I asked her to say my name, and she started laughing uncontrollably. Mood killer to say the least.”
25. Fire drill in the dorms.
“Fire drill in the dorms. We decided to ignore it because the door was locked and we thought no one would come in. RA unlocks the door and sees the whole picture. Other people passing by the room saw us too. 10/10 would do it again.”
26. I got a migraine and started puking and shitting.
“I was bent over on the top of the stairs with my boyfriend going at it from behind. I used to get these migraines that would appear in a split second from nowhere, where I’d lose my vision and start puking and shitting with about five seconds to spare. He didn’t know what was going on. I’m lucky I didn’t knock us both downstairs scrabbling blindly for the toilet.”
27. He called out his teenage daughter’s name.
“He called out his teenage daughter’s name.”
28. I was balls-deep in my girlfriend when my mom walked in with a birthday cake.
“I was balls-deep in the missionary position with my then girlfriend (her birthday gift to me) on my 19th birthday and my mom walked into my room without knocking, holding a cake, signing happy birthday. She only managed to sing ‘Happy Birth…’ before I turned to her and said ‘what the fuck? Don’t you knock?’
She dropped the cake on the floor, proceeded to start cleaning it up with her eyes closed, while I debated pulling out. After my mom left, I couldn’t even think about finishing, so we stopped.
It made for a very interesting dinner discussion.”
29. Went to get Vaseline. OOPS! Vapor Rub!
“Went to get Vaseline. OOPS! Vapor Rub!”
30. We set the bed on fire.
“We set the bed on fire.
From what we could figure out, one of the legs of the bed had come to rest on an extension cord, so as the bed y’know…moved, it stripped the cord and must have made a spark which jumped to the bedclothes. Heroic SO leaped out of bed and smothered the fire with his boxers.
I still get wistful when I hear that 90’s song that starts, ‘This bed is on fire with passionate love’…”
31. It was the first queef I’d ever heard in person.
“It was the first queef I’d ever heard in person. 16 years old, first piece of ass I’d ever gotten. My dick slipped out and I heard her pussy inhale like it was out of breath. When I put it back in, I put it all the way back in and that thing let out the loudest fart I’ve heard to date. 16-year-old me was like ‘what the fuck was that?’ and she played like she didn’t hear anything. I laughed and she was so embarrassed that she couldn’t continue. I’ll never forget that pussy fart.”
32. Fucked the wife at church and got caught in the pastor’s office by his father.
“Was in church. Wife gave me a nudge and whispered in my ear that she wanted to fuck. Being at church I said quietly, ‘I will when we get home, hun.’ She quickly responded with a ‘no now’ and got up and left the main room into the hall. About a minute goes by and I then slip into the hallway. I ask her if she wanted to go out to the truck for a quickie and she said it was too cold outside for that and suggested the family restroom. So we make our way down there and it’s locked. Damn. So she starts feeling doors to find an open room and eventually we found an office room that was empty. She waves me over and I felt so guilty and wrong but rock hard so I kept going along with it. We close the door and she bends over and lifts up her dress to reveal that she had no panties on at all. This woman set this whole thing up! So I struggle to unbutton my pants and start going to town, facing the door way just to make sure nobody opens it. The door is has a window, but it’s all frosted or smoked so you can’t see inside but can see shadows. We are about 5 minutes into this and I am starting to get a good rhythm and feeling more comfortable with how this unholy act is going and I am getting into it. Thrusting harder, pulling her hair, and making the most of the situation. I had seen several people come by and I would slow down and pick back up. Well this time the shadow slowed down and before I could stop the door opened up. The pastor’s father Chris is standing there as I immediately freeze. Eye contact is made. Holy shit holy shit holy shit. I feel my hot body turn cold. Sure enough my wife did not notice the door open and so she starts shaking her ass and then drives her ass into me 2 or 3 more times before she even notices the pastor’s father in there. I immediately zipped up and left out. Apparently we were in the pastor’s office and during the service dad (the church’s old pastor) goes around and grabs things like communion plates and collection trays.
About two days later I get a call from Chris, and basically he said that he is not telling his son, and he knows we’ve been member for awhile, so he’s not expelling us, but we should take a month or two and let the situation blow over a bit.
Tl:Dr – fucked the wife at church and got caught in the pastor’s office by his father.”
33. She literally stopped me mid-sex to measure my dick.
“She literally stopped me mid-sex to measure my dick.”
34. Her kitten started using my balls as a speedbag.
“Probably a tie between these:
She’s laying on the bed, I’m standing on the floor, and her cat attacks my leg, thinking I was hurting her or something. And we’re talking vicious, teeth sinking far enough in that they drew blood type of attack.
We’re both on the bed, doing it doggy-style, and our kitten (who was maybe 3-4 months old at the time) thinks my balls are a speedbag and starts ‘playing.’ Kitten claws in your nuts ain’t nothing to fuck with.”
35. She shat on my dick and pretended nothing happened.
“She shat on my dick and pretended nothing happened I just slowly backed away and went to scrub my dick off lol.”
36. Knock knock knock ‘Highway Patrol please lower your windows.’
“Knock knock knock ‘Highway Patrol please lower your windows.’ Long story short I said something stupid like we were stargazing. He told us, ‘Next time don’t go stargazing on private property and keep your pants on.’”
37. I kicked her fishbowl off her desk. The fish died.
“I kicked her fishbowl off her desk. The fish died. Nobody came.”
38. My wife’s water broke.
“My wife’s water broke. So, uh, that was a mess.”
39. She was a drug dealer and we stopped about three times so she could make sales.
“She was a drug dealer and we stopped about three times so she could make sales. She would just put a large t shirt on, invite them into the room and I would just be in bed naked waiting for these stoners to leave.”
40. Was called a racial slur in the middle.
“Was called a racial slur in the middle. Did not ask for it. Spontaneous race play is not cute. Boner was pretty much gone after that.”
41. She started crying…because she missed my ex best friend she was cheating on me with.
“She started crying…because she missed my ex best friend she was cheating on me with.”
42. The hour was up.
“The hour was up.”