1. I pulled a chair out from under a boy I liked in the second grade. He cried.
“I pulled a chair out from under a boy I liked in the second grade. He cried.”
2. I stabbed my Dad square in the ass cheek with a giant sewing needle while he slept.
“I stabbed my Dad square in the ass cheek with a giant sewing needle while he slept.
The reason? He took me to get a flu shot a few hours before and I was still bitter about it. When he woke up screaming I said, ‘How does it feel? HURTS doesn’t it?’ I was 4.”
3. I would pinch my infant brother and tape-record the sounds of his cries.
“My aunt insists that when I was five years old I told her, proudly, that I was using my cassette recorder to pinch my infant brother and record the different cries he made. Of course my brother doesn’t remember this, but I don’t either. In any case, he said he forgives me because it was for science.”
4. I walked up behind my sister, hit her in the head with a steel pipe, and sent her to the hospital.
“For reasons unknown, I remember being maybe 4 or 5 years old and coming up behind my sister (6 or 7) who was playing in a sandbox. Unprovoked I hit her in the head with a steel pipe and sent her to the hospital.”
5. I peed on my cousin while he slept.
“I was mad at my younger cousin (about something stupid, I’m sure) and decided to get revenge. When I was sleeping over at their place one night I snuck into his room and quietly peed on him while he slept. How he slept through this, I still can’t figure out. Anyway, in the morning he thought he wet the bed and his mom flipped shit. Good times.”
6. I saw my dad’s lifeless body and laughed out loud.
“When my Dad died of cancer, I was called back from school and I saw him laying there. His lifeless body, staring at the ceiling, thin like a skeleton. And I laughed. I know now it was a coping mechanism, because I didn’t believe it, or I didn’t want to believe it. But it still makes me sick to this day.”
7. I told my little brother that he was going to hell if he didn’t eat the dog diarrhea I had for him on a stick.
“I told my little brother that he was going to hell if he didn’t eat the dog diarrhea I had for him on a stick. He licked it.”
8. Used a lighter on a caterpillar until its guts exploded.
“Used my dad’s lighter once on a caterpillar till its guts basically exploded out of its body.”
9. I would catch moths and crush them under a tissue because I liked the crunching sound.
“When I would catch a moth sometimes I would grab a tissue and crush it because I liked the satisfying crunching sound.”
10. We’d trap wasps under glass and spray deodorant under the glass until they choked.
“Friend of mine and me trapped wasps under glasses and sprayed deodorant under the glass till they choked. I know it’s wasps, but damn.”
11. I lied to my ‘Uncle,’ and he wound up overdosing as a result.
“I was a very damaged child, A lot of abuse, neglect, and other shit. I didn’t have much, if any, empathy or love in me. So I did a lot of bad things.
The worst, however, I would have to say was the time my ‘Uncle’ was shooting up and I helped convinced him that he had only shot up twice when it had been three times. He overdosed and died the next morning.
At the time I wasn’t really to broken up about it, but after I got help and became a better person, I can’t believe I was such a monster.”
12. We peed in a cup and made some kid drink it.
“Me and a couple of neighbor kids peed in a cup, mixed some watercolor, took it to this one kid, and told him it was a special juice. He drank it all up.”
13. I gave my twin brother a cup of bleach with a bunch of milk added in.
“I gave my twin brother a cup of bleach with a bunch of milk added in. I didn’t know the severity of how bad it is for you at the time, I wasn’t even in kindergarten yet. Needless to say, we went to the hospital and I felt terrible despite the fact that every time he and my cousin were in grandma’s pool together with me they’d work together to actively try and drown me for years to come.”
14. I told my three-year-old brother that the TV would suck him inside it.
“I was six and told my three-year-old brother that the people in the television had actually been sucked in there by getting too close to the screen. It took my parents months to find out why he would slowly edge around the living room and then burst into tears when they turned the TV on.”
15. I chased an allergic girl with dandelions to make her sneeze.
“When I was little, for whatever reason, I was fixated on how hilarious sneezing was. Remember that part in Beauty and the Beast where Belle’s dad sneezes in his dusty workshop? I would rewind that and watch it over and over and laugh and laugh.
Fast forward to kindergarten: Somehow I find out that a girl in the first grade has a terrible pollen allergy. I pick a handful of dandelions and chase her, smashing them into her face whenever I get close enough.
The plan works! She’s sneezing like crazy! This is the pinnacle of humor!
But wait: She’s sneezing, but she’s also crying. And wheezing. And her face is swollen and red.
This was the first time my little-kid brain grasped the idea that other people might feel differently about things than you do.”
16. I hid cinderblocks under leaves so kids would run into them and hurt themselves.
“At my school near the playground, I found some random cinderblocks, so I piled TONS of fallen leaves on them till they were completely covered, in hopes that some kids would run and jump onto the leaves but hurt themselves on the cinderblocks.”
17. I put silica packets in my dad’s Coke to try to kill him.
“When I was really young I got really mad at my dad for some reason. I was so mad that I wanted to kill him so I put those silica packets that you get in shoe boxes in his bottle of Coke. I think I only put a couple of packets in there but he drank some of it. He said it tasted funny so he threw it out. So ya, I tried to kill my dad for some childish reason.”
18. I blamed my bloody nose on my bully; I’d actually run into a fence with my bike.
“I ran into a fence with my bike and cracked my nose. I came home all bloody in my face and when dad saw me, he shouted ‘WHO DID IT???’ and for some weird reason, I replied ‘Greg,’ the worst douchebag in school.
My dad ordered me to get in the car, and I didn’t have the guts to come clean about my lie. He drove to this guy’s house and when his dad opened, my dad threatened that if that kid ever laid hands on me again, he promised to kill them all. Then we went home in silence and never talked about it ever again.”
19. I walked away while my brother was hanging from a trampoline, screaming in pain.
“When I was about 6 or 7 and my little brother was about 4 or 5 we were jumping on the trampoline in my aunt’s backyard one day. My little brother got his foot caught in the springs lining the edge of the thing somehow and fell over the side. So he was kind of dangling there, with his foot at an extremely uncomfortable-looking angle, screaming.
I got off of the trampoline, went over and looked at him, and then just walked away, back to our house, with no intention of getting help.
Fortunately, he only hung there for a few minutes before his screaming woke my aunt up from her nap and she rescued him. He had a sprained ankle.
I have no idea why I did that. I only have a vague recollection of it. My brother, on the other hand, has a cinematic memory of the incident. He loves to tell the story when he meets my friends.
I feel horrible about it and I’ll never be able to explain why I did it… but my brother and I are really close now! He’s my best friend!
tl;dr; Left my brother hanging from a trampoline in terrible pain when we were little. We good now.”
20. I convinced my younger brother that we found him near a sewer and would send him back if he misbehaved.
“I convinced my younger brother that we found him near a sewer. I went on for multiple years with the same story. Whenever he would do something I didn’t care for, I would threaten him with ‘you’re going back where you came from.’ My parents still joke about how much he would cry. My brother and I are best friends now.”
21. I scooped up a dead bird and threw it on the bus driver’s lap.
“In kindergarten I scooped up a dead bird in an art project (big sheet of paper) and rode the bus home, threw it on the bus driver’s lap as I exited, and sprinted to my front door.”
22. A friend and I put big rocks on the train tracks in hopes of derailing a train.
“At Scout camp a friend and I put big rocks on the train tracks in hopes of derailing a train.”
23. I tried to smother my infant sister when I was three.
“I tried to smother my infant sister when I was three. I don’t remember doing so, but apparently I even had the forethought to ask my grandma sweetly for a glass of apple juice before putting a pillow over her baby seat and sitting on it.”
24. I kicked my brother right in the face for no reason at all.
“‘Intentionally’ kicked my brother right in the face for no reason at all, when he was on the floor in front of me. It’s doesn’t seem so sadistic, but it’s the one thing that I remember doing for no other reason than that I could do it.”
25. I kicked my friend headfirst down a slide.
“I ‘This is Sparta!’-kicked my best friend in the back down a playground slide, causing him to land headfirst into the plastic slide which had been baking in the summer heat all morning. He skidded on his face the entire time down, and about halfway down the blood trail started to appear. He had to go to the hospital to get stitches. Apparently you can grind your chin down till the bone shows.”
26. Planted morphine in a kid’s backpack and tattled on him.
“Growing up my dad was an alcoholic with a back injury so he was prescribed morphine. Well, apparently he thought it was a good idea to give them to his 13-year-old child pretty regularly. This led to issues in life later on but that’s another story. I had class with this kid who was the regular ‘wangster’ archetype, ‘Dylan.’ Dylan one day decided to steal my mp3 player and sell it. As he was bigger than me, I could nothing about it. So, I decided to take some of the morphine I had and drop it into Dylan’s backpack. I reported him to the Dean of our school and because of previous happenings Dylan got expelled from the school and potential jail time. I never heard because I didn’t want to associate myself any more than I had. Ten years later I saw him working at the Wendy’s Drive-Thru in my hometown.
Sorry, Dylan, it was only like a 40$ mp3 player.
TL;DR- Planted morphine on a kid in 7th grade and tattled. Got him expelled and never saw him again until 10 years later working at Wendy’s.”
27. We rang an old woman’s doorbell and threw a dead bird at her when she answered.
“We ding-dong-ditched this old woman, except we didn’t ditch. We just hid. And when she answered the door I threw a dead bird at her….
I still feel like shit about this, and I always will…
I didn’t kill the bird. Me and my friend just found a dead bird.”
28. I made fun of my friend when he told me he’d been raped with a broom handle.
“When I was a little kid, my friend divulged to me that he had been sexually assaulted by two neighborhood boys with a broom handle.
I made fun of him.
Words cannot express how much I wish I could reach out to him now and help him through such a painful memory.
Kids are assholes.”
29. I asked my dad to remind me how his brother died. (His brother shot himself in the head.)
“When I was about 9, I was really angry at my dad for something and when he was finally relaxing at home after a long day of work I asked him if he could remind me of how his brother died. (His brother shot himself in the head.)”
30. The Mice Bucket Challenge.
“I grew up on a farm, so brace yourself.
When I was around 5, a wheat blight caused farmers to leave their crops unharvested; mice ate those crops and sheltered under them, multiplying massively. To combat the mouse plague, the farmers cut down the crop, leaving only ditches and field borders as shelter for a huge population.
So basically, that summer, every kid who could went out with sticks and shovels and pocketknives and BB guns, slaughtering mice with ease. You couldn’t take two steps in a ditch without startling a mouse, and I can recall hours upon hours spent on my hands and knees, killing literally hundreds of mice with a garden trowel.
Towards the end of the season, when about a tenth of the mice had been killed, my two younger siblings and I took a 5 gallon pail out to the killing fields and tried to fill it. Took us about two hours to get it a third full; because we could just toss them in the pail, we weren’t even making sure they were dead, so the top few layers of mice were just swirling around.
We took the pail home, saying that we would keep the living ones as pets, but of course we knew that Mom would never tolerate it. We stopped by the pond to rest, and decided that we’d just fill the pail with water and see who survived the longest; the winners would be the strongest, most worthy pets.
There were no winners.”
31. I would use ants to torture grasshoppers.
“I used to catch grasshoppers, kick an anthill, and then drop the grasshopper into the madness. I think I was just fascinated by ants, but damnit, I feel bad for all the grasshoppers I killed.”
32. I threw a bucket of dirty, muddy water into an occupied girls’ bathroom stall.
“When I was in 2nd grade, I snuck into the girl’s restroom with a big bucket of dirty, muddy water.
I threw it right over the stall on whatever poor soul was in there at the time, and darted out. Turns out I drenched this one girl that happened to be a good friend of mine, and I mean that she was that one girl that everybody ostracized, and I was that one kid that gave her confidence in herself.
She came out the bathroom crying her eyes out, waddling, asking someone to call her mom.
Her mom had to bring her an entirely new outfit, and even underwear. The principal even made an announcement that whoever did that to her should feel horrible, and you’d better believe I did. No cameras, I got away with it, but the guilt stuck with me so long. It wasn’t even easy to type this.”
33. I decapitated a family of beetles.
“As a child my father caught me cutting the head off of a beetle, he told me to not do this because beetles have families and how would the family feel. Several days later I reply to him ‘Hey dad, I know you said that beetle had a family so I cut their heads off, too.’ I must’ve been about 5.”
34. I melted a couple dozen live jellyfish on hot asphalt.
“After getting stung by a jellyfish while swimming in the ocean I promptly went and found a long stick and went back into the water, stabbed the jellyfish and walked them back up to the parking lot (middle of summer in FL, very hot asphalt) and slung them onto the asphalt and laughed as they melted into nothing. I probably killed 20+ jellies this way that day. I was probably around 12 years old.”
35. I’d systematically torture spiders.
“We had a daddy long leg infestation in our back yard.
I would tear their legs off one by one. See how they’d walk with only 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and then no legs. Leave them there or set them on fire.
I’d draw a circle in chalk just big enough for the poor thing, place them in the middle, and light them on fire to see how far they’d go. I’d mark it. Then I’d grab a second one to see how far that one would go. I’d stop when I couldn’t find any more.
Thinking back how the fuck did I get so many goddammit matches or go so long unsupervised at 9?
I was fucking sadistic as fuck. And no…I’m not a psychopath. Just bored af living in the middle of nowhere with no entertainment.”
36. The Bee Game.
“When I was a kid I used to play ‘the bee game.’ The bee game consisted of getting a margarine container, capturing a bunch of bees inside with the lid on, shaking it until they were disoriented, and then opening the container and flinging it at other children.
Note: When bees are disoriented they will cling onto the first thing they land on.
Then they will sting it.”
37. Slow, methodical torture of slugs.
“I captured a bunch of slugs, made a salt maze for them to go through, and then set the ‘winners’ on fire when I was 12.”
38. Farted in a pickle jar at my grandparents’ house and put it back in the fridge.
“Farted in a pickle jar at my grandparents’ house and put it back in the fridge when I was a kid.”
39. I used to pour hot melted wax on ants.
“I used to pour hot melted wax on ants. I usually poured enough to hit the ant but not enough to cover them completely, ’cause I enjoyed watching their little legs panic. Why? Cause red ants were a problem in my house and I beyond hated them as their sting/bite hurts like a motherfucker.”
40. I put toothpicks straight up on the carpeted stairs and my brother stepped on them.
“I put toothpicks straight up on the carpeted stairs and my brother stepped on them.”