1. He thought cheese grew on trees.
“He thought cheese grew on trees. It took a long time to convince him otherwise.”
2. He gave himself a concussion by running into a board. Twice.
“My ex-boyfriend gave himself a concussion by running into a board. Twice. It was the same board. It hadn’t moved.”
3. He insisted that women cannot be doctors, only nurses (and vice versa).
“He insisted that women cannot be doctors, only nurses (and vice versa). He said that the two are the exact same thing except one is male and one is female….He was in his early 20s.”
4. He legitimately thought it was ‘meadow pause.’
“A 31-year-old man legitimately thought it was ‘meadow pause.’”
5. He called me ‘half Asian and half Vietnamese.’
“Me: I’m Vietnamese
Him: So you’re half Asian and half Vietnamese??
We were in our junior year of college…”
6. He thought China was a continent and that Asia was a city.
“He thought China was a continent and that Asia was a city.”
7. He wouldn’t go to a doctor because Noah never did and he lived to be 900 years old.
“‘No, I don’t need to go to the doctor, Noah never went and he lived to be 900 years old.’”
8. He tried to use Fig Newton bars as evidence against the existence of figs.
“I once had to convince my boyfriend that figs existed. For some reason he tried to use Fig Newton bars as evidence against the existence of figs.”
9. He didn’t know women’s breasts produced milk.
“I dated a guy for about a month until I found out that he didn’t realize that women’s breasts made actual milk to feed their babies. He thought ‘breast feeding’ was just a way to hold a baby while giving it a bottle.
‘I told him he was an idiot and he said, with a disgusted sneer, ‘I didn’t know that because I have never known any woman, who had or would, breast feed their child.’
I told him that I had breast fed my son and he called me a child molester.”
10. He thought ducks couldn’t lay eggs because they were birds.
“My boyfriend and I got into a serious argument because he thought ducks were not birds, therefore could not lay eggs.”
11. He thought Leonardo Dicaprio was retarded because he played a retarded person in a movie.
“‘It was a great movie! I didn’t know Leonardo DiCaprio was retarded. How did he act normal in all his other movies?’”
12. He thought my organ donor card meant I’d already donated an organ.
“When I was 17 years old I got my license and registered to be an organ donor, which is displayed on the front of the license. I showed my ex-boyfriend my license and he said, ‘Oh my god, what organ did you donate?’”
13. He told me that ‘daft’ wasn’t a ‘real word.’
“I told him, ‘Don’t be so daft.’ He told me to use real words.”
14. He told me hot water bottles didn’t exist anymore.
“When he told me hot water bottles didn’t exist anymore because central heating had been invented.”
15. He blankly looks at me and asks, ‘what is Holocaust?’
“We passed by the Holocaust museum. I made some comment about it. He blankly looks at me and asks, ‘what is Holocaust?’”
16. He thought Washington, DC was in Washington State.
“When we were driving in DC and I remarked off-hand, ‘Lovely day in the nation’s capital’ and he looked at me all confused. He did not know the capital of the US was Washington, and we were both 25 at the time.”
17. He had no idea toes had prints just like fingers.
“He had no idea toes had prints just like fingers. We were at a pool and he was looking at my feet in awe for a good 10 minutes.”
18. He said the sun was a planet and then told me not everyone is into astrology.
“He said the sun was a planet and then told me not everyone is into astrology.”
19. He wanted to start a business called ‘barista on a bike.’
“My homeless ex who was living with my parents wanted to quit his job to sell coffee from a bike, he called it ‘barista on a bike.’”
20. He argued with the waitress that the ‘special’ ravioli should be cheaper.
“When he argued with the waitress that the special ravioli ought to be cheaper than the regular menu ravioli, because it was ‘special.’ It was on special offer as an entree size, while on the regular menu it is an appetizer half the size.
He could not understand the simple notion that it cost more because there was twice as much food.”
21. He thought you could only get sick from cold weather.
“He didn’t believe me when I told him that you get sick from being exposed to viruses and bacteria. He thought you could only get sick from cold weather. Because apparently people don’t get sick in the summer ever? He was 27 at the time.”
22. He didn’t know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico.
“He asked me what was the difference between New Mexico and Mexico. Also, instead of saying, ‘Speak Spanish,’ he said ‘Speak Mexican.’”
23. He tried to convince me there were 12 hours in a day and 24 hours in 2 days.
“When I was 15 I dated a 19-year-old high school dropout. He tried to convince me there were 12 hours in a day and 24 hours in 2 days. When I tried to argue otherwise, he told me he was older than me so that meant he knew more than me.”
24. He told me that Criss Angel could do actual magic, not illusions.
“When he told me that Criss Angel could do magic. Like, not illusions. Wizardry.”
25. He said he didn’t believe in the planets because he couldn’t see them in the sky.
“He said he didn’t believe in the planets because he couldn’t see them in the sky.
‘The stars are farther away, but we can see them. It’s a conspiracy.’”
26. He would say, ‘you look like a deer caught with its headlights on.’
“I have a friend who used to say ‘you look like a deer caught with its headlights on.’ Instead of you look like a deer caught in the headlights.
He also used to call Elmer’s Glue ‘Elmo’s Glue.’
I made a Urbandictionary.com entry for him. Here it is.”
27. He thought boobs got bigger when women were aroused.
“He made some offhand comment about how my ‘boobs were getting big’ while we were messing around. I was like…hold up, what? This man believed that women’s breasts got larger when they got aroused. We were both 25 years old.”
28. He thought ‘surreal’ was ‘so real.’
“We were driving around this weird part of Las Vegas and I said, ‘This is surreal.’ He said, ‘I know. It’s so real.’ I repeated, ‘Surreal’ and he repeated, ‘So. Real.’”
29. He thought the Grand Canyon was in Tennessee.
“When I mentioned how I’d like to see the Grand Canyon someday, and he responded that he didn’t want to because he doesn’t want to go to Tennessee.”
30. He said, ‘I wonder how women in ancient times fed their babies without baby bottles.’.
“My ex-boyfriend and I were talking about babies and formula and he looks at me and goes, ‘I wonder how women in ancient times fed their babies without baby bottles.’”
31. He said 9/11 led to World War I.
“Asked him what event resulted in WWI. His response was 9/11. He was serious.”
32. He thought I was talking about his friend when I used the phrase ‘elephant in the room.’
“When I used the phrase ‘elephant in the room’ and he got mad because he thought I was talking about his best friend.”
33. He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning his gun.
“He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning his gun. The same gun. 2 weeks apart….Shot himself in the calf the first time, then took out his kneecap the second time, same leg. Took months of surgeries to fix it.”
34. He truly believed that you regrow your virginity after 6 months of no sex.
“He truly believed that you regrow your virginity after 6 months of no sex….This was a conversation we had a year in (so no, this wasn’t the first indicator of idiocy) with two of our friends. His belief had nothing to do with the hymen or religious constructs. He just thought six months of no sex = poof virginity!”
