26. Don’t get shitfaced.
“Don’t get overly intoxicated.”
27. Don’t keep using the upward vocal inflection?
“Liberal unnecessary use of the upward vocal inflection?”
28. Don’t badmouth your ex-boyfriend.
“Badmouth her ex-boyfriend. If she does that on a first date it means she is either (one or more): Immature, Not really over him, Unstable, and that she will eventually do that to you.”
29. Don’t try to convert him to your religion.
“Trying to convert him to her religion. Girl I met went on for hours talking about how it would be good for me to go to her church. It felt like she went there only to try to wolololo the shit out of me.”
30. Don’t act like a gold digger.
“Say things like ‘Are you loaded?!’ then rub your hands together and lick your lips.”
31. Don’t throw a psychotic fit at the restaurant.
“TLDR: having her period all over you then destroying a restaurant.
Full story: Met a girl rock climbing once. We flirted a lot but nothing came of it because we were both with our families. Flash forward two years, she finds me on Facebook (guess that should have been a red flag but whatevs) and says she’s in the city for an acting thing, asks if I want dinner. So she comes over and is immediately down to clown. We get frisky, things go places, and about five minutes in I realize I’m covered from my waist to my knees in menstruation. I ask, ‘uh, hey, everything ok? Didn’t hurt you did I?’ I knew she wasn’t hurt I was just trying to be gentle about it. She says, ‘oh don’t worry it’s just my period.’ My sheets are now ruined, but I’m 20 and hot to trot. I just kinda suck it up and finish the deed. We shower (separately) and get all cleaned up. The Neanderthal in me just wants to kick her out (I got my rocks off, why should she stay?) but the part of my brain that isn’t a complete piece of shit decided the least I could do was take this girl out to dinner. So we go to a very nice place and the date is going fine. That is, until I asked about her family. I literally asked, ‘what does you dad do for a living?’ and that was all it took to bring her to Defcon: Crazy. She starts sobbing, uncontrollably, like, slams her head on to her arms on the table and wailing while taking those deep crying breaths. Oh fuck I thought, but it was too late: the dam was breached. No time to evacuate the town. The metaphorical floodwaters poured in. ‘He’s a piece of shit! He’s leaving my mom, after everything she’s done for him! She even lies to the MPs when they come asking about his whereabouts!’ She proceeds to expand upon this by loudly and dramatically telling me about how her dad is AWOL from the navy and she hates him. At the apex of this rant she stands up, like Leonidas, and bellows: ‘IT’S! NOT! FAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!’ and swipes her arm across the table, knocking fucking everything to the ground, I shit you not. Everyone in the restaurant is silent and staring at us, I hastily throw down way more money than the bill, grab her by the hand and get us the fuck out of there. I drive her back to her car, in silence, and when we get there she asks: ‘Did I ruin it? Can we have another date?’ Trying not to get stabbed or start another crazy wailing session I lie to her: ‘No no, you didn’t ruin it! Talk to you later.’ And kick her out of the car. Immediately blocked her number. Never put your dick in crazy.”
