10. I had my dad show up to his house in his State Trooper uniform.
“Once this boy cornered me at school and had his friends surround me so I couldn’t run away. He kept grabbing me and calling me his blow-up doll, stuff like that.
Anyway. I told my dad about it, and he showed up to the kid’s house in full uniform—he was a State Trooper—and had a ‘talk’ with the kid and his dad about it.
The next day, the kid apologized to me repeatedly and told me he’d only done it because I’m so very beautiful. He promised to never ever, ever talk to me again—and he kept his word. All those years we lived in the same tiny town and he avoided me like the plague.”
11. I told him I work in septic tank repair and thus always smell like shit.
“I usually lie about my line of work. Like if they boast about illegal shit I casually mention I’m a lawyer; or if they look like the kinda motorhead who drinks douche for breakfast, then…
bro: ‘Hey sweetie, (ugh and it’s always sweetie) what kinda work you do? Let me pick you up from work sometime.’
me: ‘That’s great. I actually work in septic tank repair because they need small bodies to get through the pipes. Your car might smell like shit though, hope you don’t mind?’