1. Don’t bring your mother’s ashes.
“Bringing your mother along…in a urn.”
2. Don’t confess that you once made out with your cousin.
“Tell them you once made out with your cousin…no way in hell I was going out with that girl again.”
3. Don’t wear a T-shirt that says KEEP YOUR BITCH IN CHECK.
“I went on a first date 2 weeks ago with a guy who showed up wearing a T-shirt that said ‘keep your bitch in check’ on the back. That was a daring move, IMO.”
4. Don’t demand sex in return for dinner.
“Had a buddy tell his date, before they ordered, that if she spent $30 or more on her dinner she’d have to put out or she was walking home. He wasn’t joking, dead serious. She threw her $10 drink in his face and ordered an Uber then left. Good for her, my buddy is a real scumbag to women and I told him that straight to his face after hearing this. He still thinks she was in the wrong to this day…”
5. Don’t go into graphic detail about exactly why you have PTSD.
“I wasn’t really put off when the dude told me he had PTSD. It was when he described in great detail why he had PTSD, from tales of his friends in the military raping women, murder, blood, guts, head shots, children being shot, animal torture. Essentially, every horrible thing you can imagine.
6. Don’t rate your date on a scale of 1 to 10.
“Rating your date out of ten. Had this happen to me recently!
7. Don’t be late.
“Don’t be late! And added on top, if something does hold you up, let the other person know so they aren’t just waiting around wondering if you’ll show.”
8. Don’t fart.
“I would reserve farting until at least the second date.”
9. Don’t shit your pants.
“When I was getting back out there after a horrible break up, we went hiking.
I was not fit for hiking. When we finished, I was very proud. I didn’t complain about it at all. However, that was sourly ruined as I got up too quick and there was a brush of wind… one of hot proportions followed by… a crackle of fireworks.
Whatever I had eaten that morning had not agreed with me and came without warning. I shat my pants.
Do not shit your pants on a first date. They will laugh at you.”
10. Don’t squeeze her boob while saying, ‘honk, honk.’
“Squeezing her boob while saying, ‘honk, honk.’”
11. Don’t pee on her to establish dominance.
“Peeing on her to establish dominance. It will also get you kicked out of the bar.”
12. Don’t ask her what day she wants to get married.
“Asking her what day she wants to have the wedding.”
13. Don’t ask her to have your children.
“Asking if they will have your children.”
14. Don’t whip out your penis without being asked.
“Don’t show her your penis without being asked to do so. This happened to a friend over 20 years ago. She went on a date (was set up by her sister). After the movie, they were talking & smoking in his car, and he whipped it out when she wasn’t really looking ( she said, up until the point, it was a very platonic date, no kissing, or discussing anything risqué). He said something like ‘whaddya think?’ She says she then became a little frightened, but said “no, I don’t think so.” She says, he put it away and tried picking up conversation, like nothing happened. She was still scared, but says she didn’t show it, just showed disinterest. And that was it, he dropped her off, and she swore never again to be set up.”
15. Don’t tell them you love them.
“Saying that you love them. Had that happen to me, yeah—there was no second date.”
16. Don’t be Jeff.
“I don’t know if this counts, but back when I was in my late twenties, there was this cute guy at work that had been flirting with me for weeks, and I admit, I was interested. He finally worked up the nerve to ask me out but I had already promised my son I would take him to the movies that night. (My son was five years old at the time.) So this guy, we’ll call him Jeff, says ‘Well, would it be all right if I came along?’ This was a nice surprise, so I agreed. He replied, ‘This is great. Our first date and I get to meet your son!’ We decided to meet at the theater, and go for dinner afterward. So I show up at the theater with my son, meet Jeff, introduce him to my son, and then go to the ticket window. I go to buy my son, and my own tickets when Jeff speaks up and says ‘Oh, I don’t have any money so you’re going to have to buy my ticket too.’ This totally threw me but I just wanted my son to have a good time, so I bought Jeff’s ticket, too. We get inside and go to the concession stand so I can buy my son some popcorn and a drink, as I’m ordering Jeff steps up and orders a large popcorn and large drink too. I look at him, and he goes ‘That’s okay, right?’ I tell him I didn’t bring enough money to buy him his ticket AND snacks. He starts to act all put out that me and my son have drinks and popcorn but he doesn’t. So I buy him a small soda and small popcorn just to shut him up. After the movie was over, as we’re walking through the lobby Jeff asks, ‘So, where are we going for dinner?’ I stopped, looked at him and said ‘WE aren’t going anywhere for dinner. I don’t have any money left.’ Once again he got all pissy and said ‘Well, YOU were the one that asked me out so I figured you would be the one paying.’ Wait. What? I just stared at him for a couple of seconds, took my son’s hand and left. Needless to say, we didn’t go out again.
So, yeah, don’t be Jeff.”
17. Don’t talk about religion, abortion, politics, or exes.
“Things to not talk about. R.A.P.E.
• Exes ”
18. Don’t talk about other guys you’re dating.
“I did online dating for a while and I was completely blown away by how frequently women talked about other guys they were dating off the site, too. Now I understand online dating is a bit of a numbers game and people go out with a lot of different people but talk about making me feel like my name was ‘Free Food’ or ‘Movie Tickets.’ Yeah, don’t do this.”
19. Don’t lie about yourself.
“Lying. I went on a first date with a girl after meeting online and exchanging a month’s worth of emails. We met at a sushi bar and started small talk. When I asked what she did for work she told me she worked for a large multi-national corporation. I was like, cool. Then we continued on the date, had a nice dinner, went for a stroll, and later on (like after a few hours–we were kinda hitting it off) she confessed the “large multi-national” was actually the U.S. government and that she was in the military. Ok. So that sucked. Not because she was in the military, but because she thought she had to lie about what it really was. I kinda brushed it off though because we were having a good time. Then, even later, as we were saying our goodbyes and setting up plans to meet again, she says, “Oh, and one more thing…my name isn’t really Jane, it’s Jill.” (or whatever, I forget now). That was the clincher for me. No second date.”
20. Don’t talk about your depression.
“Talking about your depression.”
21. Don’t plan an elaborate future together.
“A guy started telling me on our first date that we would have three kids together, he already had their names picked out, and we’d live in a two-story house with a white picket fence in Mississippi. Uh, no.”
22. Don’t be rude to the servers.
“Being overly demanding, critical or rude to serving staff. If you ever see this, nope out of there ASAP. There is no greater warning sign of dealing with someone of poor character.”
23. Don’t have bad breath.
“Bad breath, oversharing, crying, inviting another person to tag along. If you get drunk, just make sure you’re both having a good time and it’s not devolving into a bitching, sob-fest.”
24. Don’t say ‘I love you.’
“Any type of ‘I think I love you,’ or straight up ‘I love you; on the first date is usually S-Grade crazy status. Run for the fucking hills.”
25. Don’t wear Crocs.
“Crocs, if you want a second date, anyway.”