1. WALKING INTO WALMART IS LIKE VISITING A DIFFERENT PLANET

“Ever been to a Walmart in Greenville, Mississippi? I’ve seen some shit, man…In these areas, walking into a Walmart is like visiting a different planet. Speaking of weird growths….One of the worst Walmartians I saw was this guy who looked liked he was attacked by a tiger or something. Large claw-like rips across his shirt and the end of his pants had that sexy flared ends that looked like they caught on fire. One of his pant legs was apparently burned all the way up to his knee. Picture it like the guy had one leg as shorts and the other leg down to ankle. He had this massive purple boil type growth that covered the entire left side of his face. I hope I painted a good mental picture of this.”

2. MAN SHOT HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE

“Well one day our pharmacy wouldn’t sell needles to a man and he shot himself in the middle of the store…so there’s that.”

3. 60+ year-old man wearing booty shorts and pink cowboy boots and hat

“60+ year-old man wearing booty shorts and pink cowboy boots and hat.”

4. GUY JERKED OFF INTO A GALLON OF MILK

“Walmart I worked at, guy came in and jerked off into a gallon of milk then left.”

5. THE PRINCE OF OKLAHOMA

“We have a pretty heavy guy come in every few days (despite being banned several times). He rarely purchases anything, just rides his Scootypuff Jr. around and makes sexual comments to the women in the store. When confronted, he will explain how he is a secret operative in the CIA or how he is actually part owner of Walmart. My favorite line of his was that he was the ‘Prince of Oklahoma.’”

6. BARKING GIRL ON A DOG LEASH

“Overnight stocker in a Florida Walmart here. A girl, quite pretty, comes in some leather bondage type lingerie on a dog leash being strolled around by older white meth heads as she barks for them all over the store. She was asked many times if she was OK or needed help and she just barked at us. They paraded her all around the store for about an hour, bought her a chew toy and left. It was 3AM on a Tuesday.”

7. a loud squealing noise that was definitely not human

“While working store standards (fancy name for a cart bitch), I had a sketchy guy come up to me asking for a large box, saying it was for some rabbits he was selling to someone. Before I could respond he spotted one beside a cart corral and ran over to it. Thinking it was kinda strange, my coworker and I went on our way. A few minutes later, we heard a loud squealing noise that was definitely not human. We looked around to find a man with his arms around the belly of a squirming, mid-size pig. He proceeded to throw the pig into the box which he had placed in the trunk of someone’s car (the buyer, I would assume) and then get in his old beat-up truck and peel off.”

8. AN OVERSIZED MARSHMALLOW WEARING A RUBBER BAND

“I worked at a Walmart in Plano, TX. One 4th of July, I was working the registers and a woman came into the store wearing only a string bikini. This alone would not have been the strangest thing, but she was about 5’4 and 300 lbs. Not just that, but her complexion was stark white! The ‘bathing suit’ she was wearing made it look like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point around an oversized marshmallow.”

9. ‘DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY TREASURE?’

“An older guy, pretty dirty and homeless-looking, came up and asked me to ring him up through the electronics register. He was leaning over like he had something in his jacket and his hand was inside. I thought nothing much of it, kind of expected to laugh later and say it looked like I was about to be robbed. Nope. As I scan his groceries he looks into me eyes and says with the creepiest face and smile, “Do you want to see my treasure?” I just stared at him. What was it? A gun? His meat and potatoes? Imagine my terror as he slowly opens his jacket to reveal what appeared to be a newborn puppy, very newborn and slimy, and very much not moving. I told my boss I had to go to break after that one.”

10. THE CREEPIEST FUCK I’VE EVER ENCOUNTERED

“I had a guy that would come through our store dressed in a tight black mini-skirt, tube top, and high heels…he was probably 50 years old. He would push a baby stroller around with a fake baby in it…yeah this guy was ultimately the creepiest fuck I’ve ever encountered.”

11. SHITTING IN THE MICROWAVES

“Someone would periodically come in and leave human shit in the display microwaves.”

12. FRESH BREATH BOB

“OK, I worked for Wal-Mart for 5 years. In that time I met lots of strange, funny, interesting people. The one that stands out to me the most is a guy that I affectionately nicknamed ‘Fresh Breath Bob.’ He would come in and steal/buy as much mouthwash as he could carry to the end of the parking lot and proceed to drink it all. He would get hammered and belligerent but his breath was…just…so fresh.”

13. music, tiramisu, and romance!

“During my one summer working at Walmart, I was approached by a man in his mid-50s who asked where he could find ‘tiramisu containers.’ I never heard of such a specific item, so I asked if he wanted Tupperware and walked with him to the aisle where they could be found. Along the way, he proceeded to say the most stereotypical Italian phrases: ‘Bene!’ ‘Bravo!,’ ‘Mamma Mia!,’ etc. When we arrived, he thanked me and the other associate (a college-aged girl) who tagged along and gave me his card; it was plain white with ONLY his name and address. We were invited to his house for, ‘music, tiramisu, and ROMANCE!’ (we didn’t go). He then bought (I kid you not) at least 30 Tupperware containers. A month later, while stocking, a strange Italian accent behind me told me to, ‘Stick my hands up!’ This same guy returned and wanted to know where he could find ‘tiramisu containers.’ I asked if he wanted Tupperware and he proceeded to buy 30 more. I still wonder why.”

14. THE SPECTRE

“Worked at The Wal for 5 years. Aside from the usual trashy people the one that sticks out to me was The Spectre. She was a tall woman probably in her 70s. She would come in and shop always wearing a white dress and a corset (synched up extremely tight) over the dress and wearing white face paint and lipstick. Like kabuki makeup. This wasn’t just one time, coming home from a play or something, this was several times a week for years. Nobody I know at the store ever talked to her, we were all too afraid.”

15. HE WAS CONVINCED THAT WALMART WAS TRYING TO KILL HIM

“There is a man, not quite middle-aged holding two different box fans. He asks me which he thinks is better. I try my best, ask him questions about what size room he’s gonna use it for, what dimensions he needs, etc. Finally, I think I figure out what will work (in as far as one can discern for fucking BOX FANS). I hold out the winning fan for him and declare that I have used my vast training provided by Wally-World and that this was the fan to get, in my professional opinion. He then proceeds to call me a ‘sucker!,’ smacks the fan out of my hands, grabs the other one and runs, I mean hauls ass, to the front of the store. I stood there dumbfounded. My coworkers come over and are laughing. They put a hand on my shoulder and explain to me what happened. Apparently, this man was a regular. He was insane, sadly, at least in a certain respect. He was CONVINCED that Walmart was trying to kill him. And thought he had figured out a way to beat their attempts. He would ask us what we thought he should buy. That, clearly, was the one that was booby-trapped. So he would take the other. My coworkers saw him as an opportunity to properly demonstrate what I was going to be dealing with. Why he still shopped at Walmart, I don’t know.”

16. THE CUCUMBER QUEEN

“I worked produce for almost three years. Once a month I had a run in with a customer about cucumbers. During food stamps week, it wouldn’t natter how much we’d order, we would always run out of loose cucumbers about two days into food stamps week and not get another load of cucumbers until the next week no matter what. She would always show up during the time we ran out of cucumbers and pitch a fit and accuse us every month of waiting for her to show up to run out of the cucumbers. She accused us of hiding them on her, that we were deliberately messing with her. No matter what we said it didn’t matter. We were doing this on purpose and she was going to have us all fired. She always had the habit of arriving during my shift and I was usually alone so after a while whenever I saw her, I would hide in the back room.”

17. CAT-MAN

“Former cashier here. I was in a rural New Mexican town near the Texas border. There was a man that the cashiers had all nicknamed ‘Cat-Man.’ Cat-Man was weird. He had a salt-and-pepper bowl cut parted straight down the middle and stopped at about the middle of his ears. He had a thick Walter Cronkite mustache that matched the salt-and-pepper coloration of his hair. Cat-Man came in about 3 times a week. He’d never have a full cart, it was always mostly empty. His groceries came out to be around $60-70 every time. It was mostly cat food. About 20 or 30 cans of wet cat food scattered the basket and a big bag of dried food was usually on the bottom rack. He’d occasionally buy human food like frozen pizzas or dinners, but not much. At the register, he was always very quiet and reserved. I can’t recall ever seeing him buy cat litter with all that cat food.”

18. SAD LADY OF THE PHOTO LAB

“I work in the photo lab. I have this one customer who comes in weekly. She recently lost her brother. He was murdered at a football game for trying to stop a girl getting beaten by her boyfriend. It was an awful situation, and this woman is still obviously grieving and working through her loss. Anyways, she came in a few weeks ago to print off some more pictures of her brother, and I think nothing of it. She ordered her normal 40-50 photos, and a 16×20 poster. Everything is going well until the poster starts printing. As it’s printing, I notice that it’s coming out just solid black. ‘That can’t be right,’ I say to myself. I open up her order in the computer, look at the file for the poster, and lo and behold, it’s just solid black. ‘She must have made a mistake,’ I thought to myself as I cancelled the poster, not wanting to waste all that paper and ink for a solid black 16×20. When she comes back to pick up her order, I tell her that there was a problem with the poster she ordered, the file came through as a solid black image. She says that can’t be right, and proceeds to pull up the picture on her phone. She hands me the phone, I look at it, and see…a solid black image. She then tells me that the previous night, she called out to her brother’s spirit, felt him wrap his arms around her, and took this picture of them in the mirror. In the complete dark. I feel for this lady, I really do. I even printed her solid black 16×20 and let her have it for free, but the fact that she was so intent that there was actually something in the picture was heartbreaking. I hope she is able to process her loss and come through it OK.”

19. THE SHEER STUPIDITY OF METH HEADS

“You know I still have trouble believing how many moms will bring in 3- to 5-year-old children at 2AM to go clothes shopping. It irks me as a soon-to-be father. That being said, during my last six months on overnight maintenance for Walmart I’m just fucking shocked by the sheer stupidity meth heads have in this area. One tried to dig his knife through the cardboard/wood like back to the video game case and ran away in a panic when a stocker was like, ‘please don’t do that sir.’ Another actually got a cart full of stolen junk food and electronics past the sensors without any alarms going off but he circled the parking lot screaming for his buddy so security followed he and his cart until he panicked and jumped into a BMW leaving the cart. Then there was the time I had to sit by a stocker for a half an hour because some meth head kept bugging her between 2:30 and 3:30AM and the last time he saw her box cutter, TOOK OUT his own KNIFE and started flipping it around basically saying ‘Hey baby lemme show you a real knife.’ Fucking tweakers man.”

20. SHE SAT IN THE FRONT OF THE STORE STARING US DOWN FOR HOURS

“This lady who came into the store late at night with her 8-9 children and bought a bunch of $500 gift cards and then immediately lost them and the receipt in the 10 steps to the door. She tried to fight me and my manager. Then when they told her they were going to call the police she sat in the front of the store staring us down for hours. She’d send one of her heathen kids in every little while to harass me. She would show up constantly after that and scream until security had to remove her and ban her from the store.”

21. BALDING REDHEAD STALKER

“Balding redhead with a Philadelphia Collins physique would roll up to Wally-World in his beat-up Geo with two windows out and try to offer me rides when I got off my shift (I walked home; I lived literally right across the highway). I was 19, and he was in his 40s, was scooter-bound, and smelled like he showered bi-yearly. I declined over and over again, and I even started having my dad pick me up from work, but this guy just stopped stalking me in the parking lot and started stalking me at my cash stand. He came through my lane every day and made lewd comments about the large-chested girl who used to work there. He finally got ‘banned’ by my manager when he told me I ‘Looked like a screamer.’”

22. THAT WASN’T ORANGE JUICE

“I worked at Walmart for a few years, but one instance definitely stands out to me as one of my weirdest encounters ever. I am working the one of the few checkout lanes and an older lady comes through with a cart full of groceries. Business as usual, however I notice that as I was checking her items, there was a puddle of what looked like orange juice underneath her cart. As soon as I notice the ‘orange juice,’ one of my coworkers walks by and says she will clean up the mess. She grabs a roll of paper towels and starts to clean up, and this is when the customer starts to act like she wants to hurry up with the transaction. That is when I notice it, though, one of the customers’ socks was yellow, and as I looked up I saw that her pants leg was wet, too. The lady had wet herself, but by this time my coworker had already committed to cleaning up the mess.”

23. THE ESSENCE OF 4CHAN

“I met the essence of 4chan. There was this morbidly obese guy who had an electric wheelchair. His shirt didn’t cover his massive hairy belly and he had a neckbeard to repel even the most disgusting of women. He smelled like he hadn’t showered in weeks. He was in line and as I was passing by the cashier asked me to get a cart for him. I didn’t see how he could use one so I just said, ‘do you mean a regular push cart?’ And he interjected with ‘yes you fucking idiot.”‘ I thought whatever and brought one and we loaded it up, and I had to help him out. On the way, he said, ‘do you vote?’ I said I’ll be old enough next election. He said, ‘Don’t listen to the bullshit democrats try to sell you. Did you know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican? I bet they didn’t teach you that. I bet you thought he was a Democrat.’ I was pretty much ignoring his shit at this point but he kept going and even told me some websites to find out what the government was really doing (I remember thinking it was funny how he was complaining but paid for his food with government money). He then tells me to check out the ‘pooper’ on a lady that was like fucking 50. Eventually we get to his vehicle. It was a heap of shit. It was one of those vans that looks like a box. It was grayish but with a shit ton of dents and missing paint. He tells me to slide the door open and there isn’t anything in the back except a piece of plywood and a carpet that had never been cleaned. He made me pull out the plywood to use as a ramp and said to put the groceries in the front seat. The front seat was trash heap of fast-food waste, and there was a pipe and a grinder sitting there too. Now whenever I see anything on the Chan I picture this dude in his van being a fucking retard and making the post.”