1. PENIS IN THE VODKA TONIC

“A club bartender had been stiffed and ordered around by this guy all night. The next drink he ordered, the bartender said he had to go get some limes, but instead he walked to a corner of the bar where nobody could see either side of him, unzipped his pants, and put his [penis] in the guy’s vodka tonic. He brought it back to him, and the guy chugged it. He might have chugged a couple of things that night.”

2. A PUDDLE OF VOMIT

“My college town was home to one of the diviest bars I’ve ever been to. It was also the only place in the zip code that served hard liquor after 10 PM, so it was reliably packed and never had any incentive to improve. My job there basically involved coming in the morning after big party nights and cleaning the bathrooms. In general, it wasn’t too bad-you desensitize yourself to most of the common smells pretty quickly-but I had a real ‘wow, fuck you’ moment when one aggressive imbiber threw up all over the place and then Houdini’d their way out of the stall, leaving the door locked from the inside. I had no way to get in, and wasn’t about to slide through a puddle of vomit, so I left it. Then I got fired.”

3. a pool of blood about a quarter- to a half-inch deep

“One time, I found a pool of blood about a quarter- to a half-inch deep. It spread over the entire floor of the bathroom-like out of a horror film. There was enough blood that the person bleeding would surely need emergency-room treatment. The weird thing was, we had no fights that night, and no one came in or left the bar bleeding. It’s a small bar, so we would have noticed. My boss just raised his eyebrows and said ‘weird,’ then went on closing up the bar.”

4. TWO GIRLS PEEING IN TO-GO CUPS

“I’ve found poop on the seat (how do you even do that?), molly shells on the floor, and one time, after a private event, I opened the closet to put stuff away and there were two girls peeing in to-go cups. Seriously? The bathroom was across the hall.”

5. USED TAMPONS TAPED TO THE BATHROOM WALL

“One time someone taped their used tampons to the bathroom stall. Yes, tampons. With an S. Plural.”

6. PULL YOUR WIFE’S HAIR DURING SEX

“This bartender I knew in Westlake Village had this married couple come in all the time. The guy was loaded and his wife was always decked out. You could tell she was way out of his league, but he had money. He was the kind of guest that would always berate waitstaff and tip like shit. So one day toward the end of the night, he closed his bill and said to the bartender in front of everyone, ‘I got a tip for you: get a real job.’ The bartender replied with, ‘I got a tip for you. Pull your wife’s hair during sex. I did it to her last week when you were out of town and she loved it.’ The wife just kept saying ‘I am sorry’ over and over again.”

7. I’M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND

“There’s this dude who always comes in who sold some shitty tech company Mark Cuban-style for a lot of money during one of the bubbles, and talks about all his Teslas and shit, and how he could own this bar, and buy this and that. Literally, whenever he’s out at some Ted Talk or golfing with Marissa Mayer or whatever they do, I have sex with his girlfriend, who is kind of a shitty lay and has some weird demons of her own, but that’s obviously not the point. Anyway, whenever he’s in, I always send them over shots and toast ‘to the things you’ll learn tomorrow’, which he thinks is some Zen bullshit, but I actually literally mean finding out that I’m having sex with his girlfriend.”

8. POEMS THAT BORDERED ON THE MENTALLY INSANE

“I found six different napkins taped to the wall of a toilet stall with beautifully intricate sketches of girls who were in the bar that night and poems to them that bordered on the mentally insane.”

9. a girl sitting in her own barf and still doing coke

“Once, I walked in on a girl sitting in her own barf and still doing coke. It still makes me giggle.”

10. TWO GUYS HAD A POO FIGHT

“I was working in a nightclub one quiet evening when the sudden odor of poop started lurking around in the downstairs area next to the toilet and dance floor. One of the male managers went into the men’s bathroom and discovered poop all over the floor. We watched the security tapes to figure out how the poop got outside the bathroom. Turns out two guys had a poo fight and fished their freshly brewed turds out the bowl and proceeded to throw them at each other.”

11. GAY MEN’S REVENGE

“One of the years that I actually had to work [St. Patrick’s Day], a guy came in, jacked up on steroids, alcohol, and tiger blood, wearing bead necklaces and a tight green shirt. His buddy ordered Irish Car Bombs while he took a phone call. I politely informed them that we didn’t do bombs, and I’d need to see some identification before we go much further. Buddy produced an ID, but the ‘roid-monster ignored me until his buddy got his attention. Turns out it had just expired. I told him I couldn’t serve him as a result, and he flipped. He told me to come over here and say it to my face! Then he called me every gay slur in the book and asked my where my bouncer was. The bar just so happened to be occupied by six or eight very wonderful long-term patrons who happened to be gay men. He wasn’t there much longer.”

12. FAILED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL (ON THE SECOND DATE)

“A guy asked me to help him propose to his girlfriend. He gives me the ring and tells me to put it on top of her drink. I bring the drink out and she has the ‘What the fuck?’ look when he drops on his knee. She throws the drink at the poor guy and runs out of the bar. Turns out, it was their second date.”

13. A GUY WHO CAME IN ALREADY COMPLETELY SHITFACED

“I once had a guy who came in already completely shitfaced. He stood up to greet his date, tripped over a bar stool, and face-planted. He just laid on the floor without moving or saying anything until she left.”

14. I HATE SODA

“’I’ll have a rum and Coke.’
I make it. It sits 30 seconds,_she doesn’t touch it. Looks at me and says,_’This is disgusting.’
‘I’m sorry, have you even tried it?’
‘No. I hate soda.’
‘Then why did you order a rum and Coke?’
‘I thought that’s just what people order. How was I supposed to know there’s soda in it?! Give me an apple cider instead.’”

15. THE FREELOADER

“This fucker sits down at my bar and picks up a drink that clearly wasn’t his (he hadn’t ordered anything!). It was a completely full Old Fashioned, covered with a coaster. The guy whose drink this was, was outside smoking, this ass-hat comes in, sits in his clearly occupied seat, and starts drinking his drink. Then can’t believe he had to pay for it. What is wrong with people?”