23 Little-Known Facts About Orgasms

1. A select few lucky individuals are able to reach orgasm simply by thinking.

And I think I’m jealous of those people. In fact, I know I am.

2. About one in ten women can reach orgasm merely by exercising.

This is known variously as the “yogasm,” the “coregasm,” and the “iwishthiswouldhappentomegasm.”

3. Having an orgasm can burn calories.

OK, so it’s only 2-3 calories, so you’ll have to cum about 100 times for every donut you eat.

4. Up to 94% of women in one study say they can achieve orgasm via anal penetration.

This is a much higher quotient than women who can achieve it through vaginal penetration, so maybe it’s time guys considered becoming a “back door man.”

5. Wearing high heels may negatively affect a woman’s orgasmic pleasure.

Researchers speculate that this is because during orgasm, a woman’s feet curl to roughly the same shape as when she’s wearing high heels, so if she’s already wearing them, this diminishes her pleasure.

6. A minority of women have orgasms during childbirth.

But it’s probably wise not to tell their children if they did.

7. Men think women cum more often than women actually do.

The so-called “orgasm gap” refers to one study where 85% of men said they thought their female partner came, while only 64% of those women say they actually did.

8. Orgasms can actually relieve pain.

But only for about 8-10 minutes, at which it’s time to have another orgasm or pop another Percocet.

9. It seems like a “pain face,” but it’s actually an “orgasm face.”

People in the throes of sexual ecstasy often look like they’re in pain because orgasm activates the same brain regions that pain activates. Either that, or their partner accidentally kneed them in the groin while they were cumming.

10. Cum often, live longer.

A study in the British Medical Journal reports that men between the ages of 45-59 who have fewer than two orgasms a week are twice as likely to die than men who are wantonly squirting their filthy juices all over the place.

11. Women have “wet dreams,” too.

One study found that over a third of women reported that at least once in their lives, they’d had orgasms while asleep.

12. For men, having an orgasm is like taking a shot of heroin.

One Danish study revealed that when men have an orgasm, it lights up the same brain centers that get let when heroin users shoot up. No wonder so many men become sex addicts.

13. Men fake orgasm, too.

According to a University of Kansas study of male college students, over a quarter of them confessed to faking orgasm at least once. Many said it was because they were too drunk to cum; others said they were merely tired and wanted to get some sleep.

14. Men need time to rest between orgasms, while women don’t.

And you never let us hear the end of it, especially if you’re naturally loud in the sack.

15. The most sexually satisfied women are over age 80.

And it is to be assumed that their partners are not men over age 80.

16. The bigger his belly, the smaller his load.

Fellas, if your Body Mass Index is over 30, it is highly likely that the amount of your ejaculate will be only half as much as those of us who take care of ourselves and have bitchin’ abs.

17. Women take longer than men to cum.

On average, men require between two and ten minutes before they shoot their wad and start snoring. Women take twenty minutes on average to cum, which presumably happens after that selfish asshole is already snoring.

18. Because of this, men need to engage in foreplay.

Guys, you need to do more than stick it, shoot it, and start snoring. You need to kiss her. Rub her nipples. Gently lick her. Tell her you love her whether it’s true or not. Her sexuality is far more complicated than your own, which is roughly as complicated as that of a brain-dead reptile.

19. Up to a fifth of American women have never had an orgasm.

This is a national crisis greater than poverty, terrorism, and the Kardashians combined.

20. You are more likely to be robbed or attacked directly after an orgasm.

I’m not saying anything about your partner, it’s just that the brain areas that are attuned to fear and danger shut down temporarily directly subsequent to an orgasm, making you more vulnerable to a criminal assault.

21. A woman’s orgasmic contractions pulsate in opposite directions depending on her menstrual cycle.

During menstruation, a woman’s orgasmic contractions push outward to push all “waste,” including male sperm, out of her body. During ovulation, the contractions have an inward motion in order to suck sperm upward toward her uterus.

22. Men have “G” spots, too.

In a stroke of cruel genius, God placed it about two inches up their butts.

23. Night of the living dead orgasms.

Researchers have determined that whose who are legally brain-dead but whose hearts are still beating are able to achieve sexual climax when given proper stimulation. This is known as the “Lazarus reflex,” which is more than I already needed to know.