1.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
—Groucho Marx
—Groucho Marx
2.
Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
—Mike Myers
—Mike Myers
3.
Marriage is the death of hope.
—Woody Allen
—Woody Allen
4.
I used to be married…but I’m much better now.
—Unknown
—Unknown
5.
Marriage is an exercise in torture.
—Frances Conroy
—Frances Conroy
6.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
—Leonardo da Vinci
—Leonardo da Vinci
7.
Marriage is the tomb of love.
—Giacomo Casanova
—Giacomo Casanova
8.
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
—Joey Adams
—Joey Adams
9.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
—Johnny Carson
—Johnny Carson
10.
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
—Eddie Cantor
—Eddie Cantor
11.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
—Henny Youngman
—Henny Youngman
12.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
—Sacha Guitry
—Sacha Guitry
13.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
14.
The music at a wedding procession always reminds me of the music of soldiers going into battle.
—Heinrich Heine
—Heinrich Heine
15.
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
—Mickey Rooney
—Mickey Rooney
16.
Personally, I know nothing about sex, because I have always been married.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
17.
Married life had taught him the futility of arguing with a female in a dark-brown mood.
—Isaac Asimov
—Isaac Asimov
18.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
19.
Most marriages don’t add two people together. They subtract one from the other.
—Ian Fleming
—Ian Fleming
20.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
—Rodney Dangerfield
—Rodney Dangerfield
21.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
—Albert Einstein
—Albert Einstein
22.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
—Rita Rudner
—Rita Rudner
23.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.
—Cher
—Cher
24.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
—Michel de Montaigne
—Michel de Montaigne
25.
Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
26.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
—Groucho Marx
—Groucho Marx
27.
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
28.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness—It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
—Henny Youngman
—Henny Youngman
29.
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.
—Eddie Cantor
—Eddie Cantor
30.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
—Red Skelton
—Red Skelton
31.
My husband and I have never considered divorce…murder sometimes, but never divorce.
—Joyce Brothers
—Joyce Brothers
32.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
—Benjamin Franklin
—Benjamin Franklin
33.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
34.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
—Katharine Hepburn
—Katharine Hepburn
35.
Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.
—P. G. Wodehouse
—P. G. Wodehouse
36.
There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
—Clint Eastwood
—Clint Eastwood
37.
They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
—Clint Eastwood
—Clint Eastwood
38.
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
—Marilyn Monroe
—Marilyn Monroe
39.
Marrying means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties
—Arthur Schopenhauer
—Arthur Schopenhauer
40.
Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.
—Jane Austen
—Jane Austen
41.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
—Voltaire
—Voltaire
42.
A marriage of two independent and equally irritable intelligences seems to me reckless to the point of insanity.
—Dorothy L. Sayers
—Dorothy L. Sayers
43.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
—H. L. Mencken
—H. L. Mencken
44.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.
—Helen Rowland
—Helen Rowland
45.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.
—Michel de Montaigne
—Michel de Montaigne
46.
Loving the same man or woman all your life, why, that’s like supposing the same candle could last you all your life
—Leo Tolstoy
—Leo Tolstoy
47.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
—Ambrose Bierce
—Ambrose Bierce
48.
I learned that day that there is no more lonely state than being in a lonely marriage.
—Julie Metz
—Julie Metz
49.
…it seemed marriage by its very design was meant to seek out love and destroy it.
—Kelly O’Connor McNees
—Kelly O’Connor McNees
50.
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
—Elbert Hubbard
—Elbert Hubbard
51.
In every marriage more than a week old there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.
—Robert Anderson
—Robert Anderson
52.
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
—Gilbert K. Chesterton
—Gilbert K. Chesterton
53.
Marriage…the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.
—Malcolm Bradbury
—Malcolm Bradbury
54.
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
—Isadora Duncan
—Isadora Duncan
55.
And pray where in earth or heaven are there prudent marriages—Might as well talk about prudent suicides.
—G.K. Chesterton
—G.K. Chesterton
56.
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
—Stephen Leacock
—Stephen Leacock
57.
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
—P. J. O’Rourke
—P. J. O’Rourke
58.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
—H. L. Mencken
—H. L. Mencken
59.
It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else.
—Samuel Rogers
—Samuel Rogers
60.
I like getting married, but I don’t like being married.
—Don Adams
—Don Adams
61.
Marriage is like the Middle East, isn’t it—there’s no solution.
—Willy Russell
—Willy Russell
62.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
—Ambrose Bierce
—Ambrose Bierce
63.
To marry is to narrow one’s possibilities horribly.
—Jude Morgan
—Jude Morgan
64.
A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
—Helen Rowland
—Helen Rowland
65.
Better be a desperate single with many options than a desperate married with no option.
—Amen Muffler
—Amen Muffler
66.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
—Lewis Grizzard
—Lewis Grizzard
67.
Men marry women hoping they’ll never change. Women marry men hoping they will.
—David Mitchell
—David Mitchell
68.
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.
—Honore de Balzac
—Honore de Balzac
69.
All in all, death is something like marriage.
—Louis-Ferdinand Céline
—Louis-Ferdinand Céline
70.
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
—Alan King
—Alan King
71.
Death stands behind every bride, every groom.
—Catherynne M. Valente
—Catherynne M. Valente
72.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
—Raymond Hull
—Raymond Hull
73.
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
—Charles Caleb Colton
—Charles Caleb Colton
74.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
—Alan King
—Alan King
75.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
—George Bernard Shaw
—George Bernard Shaw
76.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
—Kinky Friedman
—Kinky Friedman
77.
The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
78.
What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many?
—Angela Carter
—Angela Carter
79.
A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one.
—Queen Victoria
—Queen Victoria
80.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
—Richard Pryor
—Richard Pryor
81.
Marriage destroyed my relationship with two wonderful men.
—Marilyn Monroe
—Marilyn Monroe
82.
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
—Oscar Wilde
—Oscar Wilde
83.
Marriage is like life—it is a field of battle, not a bed of roses.
—Robert Louis Stevenson
—Robert Louis Stevenson
84.
After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.
—Navjot Singh Sidhu
—Navjot Singh Sidhu
85.
Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.
—Voltaire
—Voltaire
86.
Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.
—Robert Louis Stevenson
—Robert Louis Stevenson
87.
Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
—Michel de Montaigne
—Michel de Montaigne
88.
The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.
—Dolly Parton
—Dolly Parton
89.
The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
—Samuel Taylor Coleridge
—Samuel Taylor Coleridge
90.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.
—Spike Milligan
—Spike Milligan
91.
Usually, the fairy tale ends with the girl marrying the prince. But mine started as soon as the marriage was over.
—Diane von Furstenberg
—Diane von Furstenberg
92.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
—Johnny Carson
—Johnny Carson
93.
The biggest reason for divorce is marriage.
—Gene Simmons
—Gene Simmons
94.
There is no loneliness like that of a failed marriage.
—Alexander Theroux
—Alexander Theroux
95.
What is fascinating about marriage is why anyone wants to get married.
—Alain de Botton
—Alain de Botton
96.
God invented concubinage, Satan marriage.
—Francis Picabia
—Francis Picabia
97.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
—Irwin Corey
—Irwin Corey
98.
Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.
—J. B. Priestley
—J. B. Priestley
99.
Anything outside marriage seems like freedom and excitement.
—Jeanette Winterson
—Jeanette Winterson
100.
I’ve had two terrific relationships, but both ended in marriage.
—Jane Seymour
—Jane Seymour
