4. I didn’t want anything to get better, I just wanted it to stop getting worse.

I was suicidal for a while just over a year ago. I hate that stupid fucking cardboard sign that says “Suicide doesn’t end the chances of things getting worse, it ends the chances of things getting better.” Go fuck yourself. Suicide absolutely ends the chances of things getting worse. When I was suicidal, it was because every single day was literally the worst day of my life. Each day was worse than the day before it, spiraling completely out of control downward, and most often it wasn’t even my fault. Every day was just shittier than the last. I didn’t want anything to get better, I just wanted it to stop getting worse. People always look at suicides and they’re like “oh that’s so selfish to do to his family.” Oh yes, how selfish that they decided to stop living in the worst hell you’ve never even imagined. I’m not condoning suicide for a second. Obviously I’m still here and things have gotten mostly better. But it bugs me when people say “it’ll get better” or “it’s cowardly.” The only reason I’m still here, literally the only reason, is because I didn’t have the courage to do it. So it’s definitely not cowardly. And as I said earlier, when you’re suicidal you don’t give two shits about it “getting better.” You just want it to stop getting worse.

5. The torment in my head became too much to bear.

I hate people who judge suicide victims. I have tried to kill myself before. I suffer from extreme depression. The torment in my head became too much to bear. I felt hopeless. I felt valueless, and there was so much pain in my life. Joy too, but it was short-lived and the pain was persistent. I finally walked down to a local theater one day, went backstage, threw a rope over the rafters, and hung myself. Funny thing, the rope snapped and I didn’t have enough to try again. I didn’t want to abandon my family. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted my pain to stop.