23 People Share Their Funniest Bad Tattoo Stories

"She was shocked to see HUNDREDS of little flies tattooed on his ass."

Updated 10 years ago, February 7, 2015

1. Attack of the anal houseflies.

I have a nurse friend that had to give a shot to someone, and he bent over…she was shocked to see HUNDREDS of little flies tattooed on his ass. It looked as if they were swarming from his asshole. She’d have preferred a warning.

2. “Gary” without the “r.”

My dad told me a story of when one guy had to get it removed.

His name was Gary and had gotten his name tattooed on his knuckles. Somehow, he lost one finger (not sure to what).

You guessed it, the finger he lost was the one with the R on it, so now his tattoo said GAY.

3. The most dedicated Waffle House employee of all time.

Saw an employee at Waffle House that had the Waffle House logo tattooed on his arm. Now THAT’s dedication.

4. Put a bra on that tattoo.

My uncle had a naked lady tattooed on his calf. When he finally “settled down” and had a kid, his wife didn’t like him going out in public with that naked lady showing.

So he would Sharpie a bikini on her.

He finally got around to getting a bikini tattooed on, but Jesus it was funny to be walking out the door to go somewhere and suddenly hear “Wait wait wait! Shit” and have to stop while he Sharpied his leg titties.

5. “Now they’re bloodshot!”

Went to a party once. Lots of drunks, including an older Scotsman. For more than an hour, people were yelling at him, “Show us your eyes! Show us your eyes!” My wife and I didn’t understand until (five or six beers later) he dropped his pants to show off a pair of 4-inch-wide eyes he had had tattooed onto his ass cheeks. One on each cheek.

While everyone laughed, a woman smacked his ass with the full force of her hand, leaving a red print. She drunkenly called out, “Now they’re bloodshot!”

6. Born looser.

Back in the 70’s my grandfather and his drunk friends decided to get tattoos. My grandfather wanted to get “born loser” on his forearm so one of his female friends said she’d do it for him. When he woke up the next morning he saw that his tattoo said “Born Looser -MG” not only did the girl misspell loser she also initialed the tattoo to show that she did it.

A few years ago my dad and I wanted to get a tattoo of our family crest and underneath it we got “born looser” in Latin to honor his stupid mistake.

7. He drew a line through his ex.

A guy at Subway who made my sandwich had a girl’s name tattooed on his arm with a single line through it, and another girl’s name right beneath it.

8. “A large black coffin right above his dick.”

My cousin had a tattoo of his girlfriend’s name right above his pubic area, actually probably on his pubic area. They broke up and he covered it up with a coffin. A large black coffin right above his dick.

9. World’s dumbest Jim Morrison fan.

This girl I knew in college (who was an idiot) had a tattoo of a naked man with the head of a bird on her ankle. I asked her about it and she said that she had originally tattooed a naked man on her ankle because “that was where men should be—at her feet.” But, she explained, as she got older and had a boyfriend, she felt less man hate and also got really into the band The Doors. So in honor of Jim Morrison’s lyric “I’ll always be a bird man” she had the tattoo redone to include a bird’s head. Unfortunately for her, I was at that time extremely well versed in Jim Morrison’s American Prayer album from which that quote was pulled and I was all too happy to inform her that the actual quote is “I’ll always be a WORD man, better than a bird man.” She gave me this stunned look and told me I was wrong (which I’m not), but when I saw her again a few years later the whole tattoo was removed.

10. Her penis was better than mine.

One time I was hanging out with a girlfriend of mine. We were talking about stupid things and saying really stupid stuff. I was jokingly bragging about how manly I am with my huge beard and she would answer back that she was even more manly, so I said; “Oh yeah? Well show me your penis, I’ll show you mine. Let’s compare…”

That’s when she lowered her pants to show me the word “Penis” she had tattooed on her right hip… I never ever laughed so hard… It was perfect.

11. If 96 was 69.

Ex coworker had the Cancer zodiac sign tattooed on her. It’s supposed to look like a 69, it came out as 96. The guy screwed up. So “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” basically actually happened.

12. “Breathe.”

A girl I went to high school with got a stupid tattoo once. She was one of those attractive popular girls with nothing between the ears. Anyway, she’s sitting in the caf one day and as I walk by she shows someone her tattoo.

It’s on the underside of her wrist, and all it says is “Breathe.”

My friends and I got a real kick out of it—figured she probably needed the reminder every once in a while.

13. Self-inflicted penis/syringe.

I’m a type 1 Diabetic and got really drunk one time when I was about 17 (I’m 25 now). Anyways, so I got really drunk and thought it would be a neat idea to give myself a tattoo of two syringes crossing like crossbones or swords, but syringes, on my left shoulder, since I’m diabetic. I had no experience giving tattoos and I’m horrible at drawing. I made a homemade tattoo gun from a Sony Walkman motor. I didn’t think it through, I didn’t draw it out or even trace it out with pen first, I just free handed it looking in the mirror. Well, after the first syringe was done I realized that I had made a huge mistake. It didn’t even look like a syringe, it was curved, to be honest it looks more like a penis. So now I have this big penis-looking thing on my shoulder. I’m planning to have it removed as I immediately regretted it, and I am not a “tattoo person,” so there’s nothing I would want to cover it up with. It’s something that has really affected my life actually. I dated a girl when I was 18 until 24 and every summer we spent a lot of time swimming at her cabin. I always had to keep my shirt on because I didn’t want her family to find out that I had this big dick/syringe on my arm….

Here is the photo of my penis/syringe tattoo. :-[

14. Everyone had a “cock knife” tattoo in the 1970s.

I had a chap come in with a “cock knife” tattooed on his upper arm. He’d had it done in the 70s, he said they were quite common but I’ve never seen one since. I like to imagine the smirking tattoo artist saying “Everyone is getting them.”

It was a standard blade with a woman’s name on it and the dagger handle was an erect penis. A red bellend and a thick green shaft. Unfortunately for the customer we didn’t have the ruby tips at the time so couldn’t do much for the bulk (girth??) of the shaft, but we got rid of the shading etc. You couldn’t tell what it used to be after three or four sessions. I don’t know if he had it covered with any other bad decisions.

15. “Apparently hookups don’t appreciate seeing another chick’s graffiti near your junk.”

Close friend of mine got blackout drunk with a girl named Daisy on their third date. He awoke in the morning to a painful crotch. The girl had apparently convinced him to get her name and a daisy tattooed about an inch above his manhood. They never went on another date and he eventually got it removed. Apparently hookups don’t appreciate seeing another chick’s graffiti near your junk.

16. “If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair.”

I worked with a grotesque woman who had “If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair” tattooed on the back of her neck.

17. NASCAR caused 9/11.

I have a friend who gets drunk and does dumb shit. He has two tattoos that he hates but won’t get them removed. One is an upside-down cross by his right eye. The other one… Well, I think it’s the best thing ever but I could see how having it tattooed would suck. It’s Dale Earnhardt crashing into the Twin Towers. It’s really great.

18. Mother-to-be cries over losing penis-themed tramp stamp.

So I went to get my first tattoo with my girlfriend a while back… The artist ended up telling us about this young lady who got a dick tattoo on her lower back when she was 14. She got pregnant at 18 (lol) and she opted to have it covered up for baby’s sake. He said the weird part was that she was genuinely upset while he was covering it up. She was heartbroken that she would no longer have a dick tramp stamp… The worst part is, we already knew that story. It was one of my girlfriend’s best friends. :/

19. Wow….just…Mom.

My friends and I tattooed a W on each butt cheek of my passed-out friend so it would say MOM or WOW depending of course. He had it lasered off soon after.

20. “You’re Perfcet.”

Have some friends that wanted to get matching tattoos on their wrists.

It was supposed to say “You’re Perfect,” but one of them says “Perfcet”.

She tried to get it fixed, but the shitty artist did a half job on that too, so you can still tell how Perfcet it is.

21. He gambled…and lost.

I know a guy who had a portrait of Kenny Rogers tattooed on his ass cheek, with The Gambler written in cursive beneath. He lost a bet at some point.

22. Lawnmower on a receding hairline.

I once saw a balding man with a tattoo of a lawnmower being pushed around following the pattern of his hairline. That must have been funny for about 5 minutes…