If You Choose To Lose Me

Woman peering from behind the leaves
Aldo Delara

If you choose to lose me

i’ll answer the questions, make up lies

try to explain what happened, what didn’t happen

why we didn’t try, why i gave up

ignore comments under breaths,

the i told you so’s

i will tell myself i won’t recover,

find new outlets to recover,

pick back up bad habits and

all of the boys who stopped talking to me

will start find new reasons to start conversations with me,

ask about the weather and random questions that mean nothing

and i’ll crawl back into silence

i’ll write about sadness, about heartbreak, about

keeping to myself

i was always best at being unhappy

i was never meant to be a love poet

i’ll shut off the world,

i’ll finally finish to do’s i never had time to finish

i’ll begin cooking again,

see my friends more often, try to enjoy life

i won’t be consumed with worrying about jealousy

questions after the end of the night

someone wondering where I am

wondering where the hell I am

i won’t keep you from walking

i won’t stop you from making a choice that is rightfully yours

i’ll stay at the door, watch you leave,

listen as you say, you wanted me to leave

and listen to myself reply, was there another option?

but the door won’t reopen

it will be concrete, it will be steel,

it will be every metal, every material i can find

that will refuse to give way if a knock comes through

because I have learned from the past that

if I leave a door just a crack open,

they will come back

the doors will be bolted and i’ll hide behind the metal frame,

find all of the ways to repair without anyone knowing the pain

and the world will still revolve and

i’ll still go on like nothing happened

while in the back of my mind,

i will always be reminded of what could have been,

should have been

and in the front of my mind,

i’ll continue to remind myself that the best things in life

do not leave

so if you choose to lose me,

i won’t choose to return

if you choose to leave me,

please don’t try to come back TC mark

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