1. Getting to a meeting or a class early enough that you’re the first person in the room… and savoring that you’re the only one there. Those moments when there is solitude in a big space that’s about to be inhabited by people. So satisfying.
2. Or walking into an empty stairwell. Or elevator. It’s like the universe smiling down on you and saying, “Hey, you deserve a breather. For the next five seconds, you don’t have to speak to ANYONE.” Music to your ears.
3. When whoever’s waiting on you at a restaurant forgets to check on you. Your ideal restaurant experience is seeing the server once when you order, and once when he drops the check. And in an ideal world, you put down cash, so you don’t have to do the whole credit card interaction dance.
4. When your boss is exhausted in the morning and doesn’t stop to say hi and make small talk. And you just want to shout, “Good morning!!! I didn’t want to talk to you!! THANK YOUUUUU!”
5. When the excessively chatty girl who sits across from you walks by wearing headphones. You appreciate that you can basically say nothing while she talks, but you’d still rather just skip the whole encounter.
6. When you convince everyone you can’t talk because you’re wearing headphones. Even though there isn’t even music coming out of your headphones, you just don’t want to speak to anyone.
7. When a meeting gets canceled, and the chair of the meeting decides to start an email thread instead. And then you don’t have to attend the meeting, which is glorious. In your ideal world, all meetings would be conducted in a chatroom.
8. When you get home and your roommate isn’t back yet. PLACE TO YOURSELF. SOLITUDE. SANCTUARY. God bless us, every one.
9. When your roommate gets home really late and knocks on your door and you successfully pretend to be asleep. No, you didn’t go to sleep at 10 PM. You’re in your bed watching Friends, and specifically wearing headphones so they won’t know you’re awake.
10. When anyone cancels plans. Ever.
11. Overly talkative friends who just let you smile and nod through lunchtime. If you work at an office, the amount of human interaction is already super draining for you. So there’s nothing better than a chatty lunch date who will just be fine with you saying “uh-huh” and “totally!” every three minutes or so.
12. When you realize that you can do “instant chat” with Amazon instead of calling about your missing package. (This happened to me yesterday, I don’t understand why people can’t get my apartment number right.)
13. When your S.O. comes home and asks if you guys can just cuddle and watch a movie. And maybe order in some food. It’s not that you don’t want to talk to them, and catch up on each other’s days, it’s that you really just aren’t ready for words yet.
14. A WELL-PLACED IRISH EXIT. You’re walking out, saying nothing, but in your head, you’re high-fiving yourself and SINGING.
15. Having an amazingly non-talkative Uber or Lyft driver. You think it’s really sweet when some Uber drivers want to make conversation, but you would ALWAYS prefer an Uber driver who is content to sit in mutual, slightly awkward silence. It’s blissful.
16. When you, in Liz Lemon’s words, excuse yourself to “go talk to some food about this.” Food is your best friend. Your confidante. You can trust food.