The Worst Ways To Die According To Your Zodiac Sign

Ivan

1. Aquarius

Literally just being left alone in a room to starve with no hope of human interaction except for a printed copy of Facebook comments they disagree with being slipped under the door every day.

Aquarius dies from frustration at not being to argue long before she starves.

2. Pisces

Being beheaded publicly by all the people they’d reached out to in their entire lives, preferably while they laughed and said things like “you’re such a cliche.”

Pisces final last words are “but I was so nice to you!”

3. Aries

Forced to sit in a waiting room with a timer that continually resets when they aren’t looking and a voice over a speaker that says “not long now” every 12 hours.

Death comes from blunt force trauma when Aries begins frantically banging their head against the wall after being unable to wait for more than three minutes.

4. Taurus

The location and means of her execution are changed hourly, never giving Taurus a chance to come to grips with what’s going to happen to her. She dies of shock, unable to deal with this new lack of stability in her life.

5. Gemini

Gemini is left alone. She’s already dead inside and her life is punishment enough.

6. Cancer

Cancer dies of embarrassment after being exposed to a Scientology criticism session made up solely of strangers with access to her diary and text messages to her ex.

7. Leo

Leo dies of vanity after being imprisoned in room where everyone has been ordered to ignore her no matter what she does and to also chuckle every few minutes as if there is a joke that Leo is being purposely excluded from.

8. Virgo

Dropped into a room full of puppies and kittens and hooked up to a car battery that shocks her every time she tries to pet them. Virgo dies of electrocution with her last words being “totally worth it.”

9. Libra

Forced to join an alt-Right survivalist group, Libra’s thirst for justice and will to cooperate do battle inside her until her brain simply stops working. Libra is taken off life support after three weeks and passes away peacefully. Many alt-Right personalities come to her funeral not knowing that she would hate this.

10. Scorpio

Literally just dropped into a tank of full on scorpions who are all feeling “fierce” and have enough of the “drama.” ¬†How do you like it, Scorpio?!

11. Sagittarius

Gagged and bound, Saggi is forced to listen to a 24/7 reading of his own middle school journal entries while simultaneously forced to watch the “Big Bang Theory” on repeat until he longs for death’s sweet embrace.

12. Capricorn

Everyone Capricorn has ever been an ass to gets one free punch. Capricorn dies after being punched 74 times but the remaining 1,207 people insist on continuing to punch him when it’s their turn anyway. TC mark

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