32 Hilarious Cosmo Articles That Would Totally Exist If It Were For Dudes

via Pexels
via Pexels

What if Cosmo was CosMen (or CosBro)? It’d probably be full of articles exactly like this…

1. “The Jackhammer: Every woman’s favorite move whether they admit it or not”


3. “What Barbecue Sauce Goes With Oral Sex? 10 Recipes To Make Your Woman Squirm On Your Tongue!”

4. “Is she not in the mood? Poke her with your penis until she gets the point!”

5. “Ice cubes everywhere”

6. “Where there’s a hole, there’s a way”

7. “When She Says ‘Daddy’ You Say ‘Mommy’ and Other Hints for a Sexy, Steamy Summer”

8. “She’s kidding when she says ‘just like that, just like that!!’ Take it as your clue to try something new”

9. “One word: helicopter”

10. “One name is great, two names are better! Moan her best friend’s name in her ear”

11. “If she doesn’t let you finish on her face, she doesn’t love you”

12. “Mansmo’s #1 Ultimate Sex Tip

We call this one The Battering Ram. Position your lady spread eagle across the room, begin a slow galloping charge toward her lady bits. (it’s important to pick up speed gradually to enhance the excitement!) Let out your best war cry and invade her castle!! Slam your ram straight into her chamber doors, bonus points for a backdoor siege! With this much power, you don’t need lubrication!”

13. “Communication is key. Don’t expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it.”

14. “Patience is a virtue. Teach her that she needs to make you want it by trying to have sex with whiskey dick. There’s nothing like forcing wet spaghetti into a keyhole for thirty minutes to make a girl appreciate the value of a BJ.”

15. “Bargain for more than you want.. Tell her you’ve been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise!”

16. “Confessional orgasming. While she’s going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she’s nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she’s the one you’ve chosen out of all of them.”

17. “Diamonds aren’t always forever.” Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you’ve changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again!”

18. “Encourage her to get fit! Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn’t fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She’ll think twice about ordering dessert for months!”

19. “Everybody wants to be star. Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don’t tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.”

20. “As most guys already know, we’re all pretty fantastic in bed. The trick is getting your bittie into the boudoir. So without further ado, here are five tips that are guaranteed to have you impressing any girl that’s not probably a lesbian.

  • Get her attention. Be loud and gaudy and in all other ways impossible to ignore. Most women don’t really know what they want so as long as you’re showing them something, they’ll probably like it. The old advertising adage holds true for picking up women: there’s no such thing as bad press.
  • Be persistent. Women like go-getters. If she seems uninterested, she’s not just playing hard to get (though she probably is, that coy minx), she’s testing your resolve. The more unwilling you are to give up, the more you can be sure she wants what you’re offering.
  • Wear plenty of cologne. Just like in the animal kingdom, females are attracted by your musk. Only instead of pheromones, you’ve got a bottle full of liquid engineered by science to make a woman’s nethers tingle. If you use enough for her to smell you from across the room, then you won’t even have to approach her. Just sit back and let the vixens be drawn to you.
  • Be aggressive toward other guys. All women want to be with the alpha of the pack, and there’s no better way to show her that it’s you than to put a few betas in their place. Remember, though, you’ve got to be the one who initiates. Any pussy can finish a fight, but a real man shows that he can and will start one before trouble even arises.
  • If all else fails, get her drunk. We all know that she really wants to go home with you. She’s just worried what her friends will say if she makes it too easy. Best way around that? Make her stop caring what her friends think by making her stop caring about everything. Just feed her sugary liquor until she’s slurring a little, then make your play. Protip: buy the first drink in front of her and ask for top shelf stuff, then kindly offer to go to the bar for future drinks and get only well liquor. Does the trick and there’s no way she’s going to be able to tell the difference at this point.”

21. “Does she like sex a little rough? Good, then disrespect her breasts. Spit on them, smack them, give them dirty looks. Ask her questions like, ‘seriously, that’s all you got?’ and ‘You think you can feed my children with those shitty tits? Get real.’ This is guaranteed to make your woman scream.”

22. “Hot Makeup Sex After Losing an Argument: 10 Steamy Tips”

23. “Top excuses to skip on the condom!”

24. “Can’t get that special girl’s interest? Here’s five sure-fire ways to make her yours!

After reading this, you’ll be SHOCKED that she’s not sleeping with you already!

  • Play it cool.
    Girls hate when someone rushes in and just tells them outright that they’re interested in dating. That’s not a “love language”! Instead, get to know her first and don’t express too much interest. You don’t want to seem desperate!
  • Money talks!
    That’s right, it’s all about the benjamins! Girls need a man who can take care of them, financially as well as in the bedroom! Buying her expensive gifts both shows how thoughtful you are, and that you’ve got the cash to keep her “housewife happy!”
  • Show off your personality.
    Feeling glum about that double chin? Make sure to show off your personality! Unlike us guys, who – let’s face it – care mainly about looks, your lady wants a man with a nice personality. Make sure to show off your quirky side in texts, calls, emails, and visits!
  • The FRIEND zone is next to the END zone.
    Everybody moans about the “friend zone,” but this is your opportunity to charge the last ten yards! Even if she just wants to be friends, don’t give up – stick around, wait for your opportunity, and strike when that hole opens up in her defense! Seven points!
  • When in doubt, let it out.
    Girls always groan about the “dick pic”, but we’ve had shocking revelations published here before (see “Naked Man – amazing results!” on page 63). If you’re in a high-risk, high-reward situation, and you’re out of moves, the dick pic can be a potent icebreaker. Give her a well-posed candid shot of your own icebreaker, and you’ll soon be crushing more than ice cubes, you sexy stud!

Remember, be sure to send in your success stories to us, and you’ll be entered to win a free copy of The Hangover, Part II!”

25. “Surprise her…. With Anal Sex!!”

26. “7 Reasons Why Penis Size Really Doesn’t Matter”

3 pages later…

“How To Double Your Length And Girth To Become The Man All Women Desire”

27. “Share your fantasies! Women are always asking ‘what’s on your mind?’… make her happy by telling her all about that sexy new coworker of yours and how you want to bend her over the breakroom sink!”

28. “Women love a man who cares! Make sure to always be there for her in times of need as her official shoulder to cry on. The caring friend who was ‘right in front of her this whole time’ always gets the girl in the movies, right?”

29. “Just Jam It In There! The secrets of dry penetration will blow her mind, and yours!”

30.Top 5 sex tips that’ll make her cream

No.2 will have her toes curl

It’s summer the season of citrus, ginger, spice and nature. Bring a little of this to the bedroom.

  • Ginger, in her.
    Anal isn’t just for fingers and dick. Get ready for a little licking with a flavour enhancer of a freshly peeled ginger root butt plug. Hot to squat.
  • If a little is a lot, a lot is even more.
    A flick, a lick and even the gentle rubbing of the clit can send a girl off the deep end. So why not just pinch it and squeeze? why not give it a tug or get rough and animalistic with a few bites and some chewing.
  • Taboo for you.
    Take a shit on her.
  • Roleplay.
    Dress up like an SS officer and tie her up under the covers. Fart and then leave her to the sexy gas chamber.
  • Twice as nice?
    Why not ask her if her mother or sister can join you? you’ve had a sweet apple why not go back to the orchard.”

31. “Add some extra excitement to foreplay. Make sure your fingernails are long and ragged before digital manipulation.”

32. Five articles to make you extra paranoid!

  • “Has she ever said ‘fine‘? She’s cheating on you! Get revenge by rubbing capsaicin on her favorite toy!
  • Does she want to try something new? She’s cheating on you and learned it from her lover! A little cayenne in her panties will show her who’s boss!
  • Did she say ‘not tonight’? She cheated on you while you were at work! Get revenge by sprinkling yeast on her tampons!
  • Does she not want to talk about it? She’s hiding something, probably that she’s cheating on you! Hide alarm clocks all over the bedroom set to different times, then spend the night in a hotel using her credit card!
  • If she insists on foreplay, she cheated on you earlier today, and needs time to get ready for another go! To confirm she’s being true, at the start of sexytime ram it in there completely dry, with no warning…if she doesn’t love it, she’s cheating on you!”

33. “Top 10 headache remedies. Don’t let her bad mood ruin yours!” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Lisa Woods

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