21 Guys Give The Real Reason They Ghost (Even Though You Thought Things Were Going Great)

Credit Jesse Herzog
Credit Jesse Herzog

1. She Thought They Hit It Off Better Than He Did

We didn’t hit it off as well as she thinks. If I’m with a girl and concluded that I’m not into her I’ll often prod her and ask her lots of questions and followups about herself and she’ll enjoy talking about herself. Most people do. I do it to get through the awkwardness and keep the conversation going, but usually, I’ve checked out and it’s a low-effort way to make it through the night. People love talking about themselves though, so after getting her to talk about herself all night they tend to walk way thinking it went well.

I’ll generally end it with a “I’m not that into you” before I head home, but a lot of people find it easier to say nothing than deliver the bad news in person.


2. You Did Something Objectively Awful Like This

I’ve only ever ghosted one girl. I’ve been ghosted myself so I know how much it just absolutely sucks…but…this one I don’t feel bad about. We hadn’t been talking for a few months but it was a decent amount of time. Story time.

She lived near the city and I’m about 30 minutes outside the city. We matched on Tinder one day while I was in the city – began texting not long after matching. Had a first date that went pretty well, agreed to a second date (movie and walking around at this outdoor mall where the theater was the second date). The theater & outdoor mall were in the city so about a 35-minute drive for me – which I didn’t necessarily mind since the city is like a second home for me & I enjoy going in whenever I can.

Second date comes around – we see the movie, walk around a bit – all going well so far. We walk back to her car since we were close to it where we had ended up and it still wasn’t too late so we just sit in her car and talk for about an hour and a half. Sharing stories and just kinda talking about everything and anything.

At one point she’s showing me pictures of her brothers (she grew up in a large family and we were just talking about family stuff) and the next picture was a screencap from Facebook messenger. She starts to laugh and shows me – explaining it was a guy she had gone on a date with once the previous summer who had become incredibly clingy and she had cut things off with him after this particular guy sent about 10 or so messages to her on messenger when things we’re basically just fizzling out. She then said “I wonder if I have the rest of the messages, I’ll show you what he said” – this kinda threw me off in the first place but I just said to myself “I’ll see where this is going…”

She finds his messages and sees he’s online on the messenger app. She then decides, while I’m still sitting next to her in her car, to video call him so that “we can mess with him, it will be so funny!” were her exact words. She video calls him…and the guy picks up. She then proceeds to sit there for 4 minutes video chatting with this guy she hadn’t spoken to for over a year as if it were just him and her – while I sat there and didn’t say a word because I was in such disbelief at what was going on. She looked over to me at one point and saw the look on my face of “Are you kidding me…” and hung up the call. She looked at me, nervous as could be seeing how pissed I was, and just said “What’s wrong…Are you okay? You look mad? I shouldn’t have done that should I?”

I still had no idea what to say at that point and I think I just said “Yeah…no…that wasn’t the smartest decision you could have made” or something along those lines. I went to get out of her car and she begged me to talk to her so she could try and justify what had just happened. I continually told her I didn’t want to hear it because I had just driven 35 minutes into the city to see her for her to then facetime a random guy she went out with once who she hadn’t spoken to for more than a year – and her response was “I don’t understand why you’re mad…I wouldn’t get mad if you were in my shoes and did the same thing.” When she ever said that…I felt my mind explode. I got out of her car and walked back to mine – still in disbelief of everything that happened. She sat in her car for another probably 3 minutes just looking like she was about to cry before finally speeding away – whether she was actually mad at me or mad at herself I don’t know. But after that I talked to her for the next day a little bit and then just decided to not even give her the time of day after. She tried calling me and texting me a few times after and once she got the idea that I didn’t want to speak to her or see her again, she sent one long scathing text trying to put the blame on me for what had happened.

By far the weirdest set of events that has ever happened to me on a date. Do I feel bad about ghosting her? A little bit, definitely – as I’ve been ghosted myself and it is an awful feeling. But as far as I was concerned with what she did, she dug her own grave and buried it within those few couple of minutes when we were on our second date. If she really couldn’t grasp why I had stopped talking to her after what happened, it was her own fault at that point.


3. To Avoid Confrontation

Yes, but first I tried to break up with her properly and she convinced me to stick with it. After about another month it still wasn’t working and I didn’t want to go through the guilt trip song and dance again, so I gave her the slow fade before ultimately stopping contact.


4. The Thrill Was Gone

I wouldn’t call it ghosting. I guess I just made the decision to let it fizzle out quickly.

We’d been on a number of dates and talked for hours on Skype each night for a while, but something just wasn’t there for me.

I think we were in different stages of our life maybe. She was a freshman in college, and I’m set to graduate this year. She never had a job, and I’ve had a ton.

She was a great girl, but I guess it took a bit for me to realize we weren’t compatible.


5. There’s A Lapse In Communication And No One Picks It Up

Honestly? Because sometimes I simply was busy the next couple of days. And then I think about it, and if I didn’t make it a priority to contact you, and you didn’t contact me, then it’s probably not worth pursuing.


6. It Wouldn’t Happen If People Could Handle Rejection

Same reason girls do: it’s easier for the ghoster to deal with. It’s shitty for the ghostee, and it’s and overall bitch move, but it’s definitely easier to ignore this problem and let it go away. It’s not helped that a lot of men and women don’t take rejection well, and lash out at the person doing the rejecting, which leads to more ghosting in the future.


7. She’s Bugging Him

The only time I do this is if they text me over and over with no response. If I’m busy enough that I don’t text you for a few hours, you shouldn’t freak out. I’m 27 and this happens with Tinder/Zoosk women around my age all the time. It’s ridiculous.


8. Sometimes It Takes Two To Ghost

I’ll do it on accident usually. I just fall out of contact, and the girl doesn’t text me either, so fuck it. Now if she were to put equal effort into it, it wouldn’t happen that way.


9. When You’re Looking For Two Different Things It can be awkward

Last reasons I did it:

  • I was looking for something casual and realized as the date went on she was expecting “the one”. Just because I’m not looking for something serious doesn’t mean I’m not going to be genuinely interested in what the other person has to say so I think she got the wrong impression from me. I felt a bit like a dick but then again it was mostly speculation on my part so I didn’t want to send a long-winded monologue over what I thought she was looking for. So I just ghosted her.
  • On Tinder I do it A LOT. The main reason is the girl lacking initiative or not being interesting, witty, or fun enough to talk to. Other times it’s because I’m being busy or forget for a long time and when I get back on the App I’m just not that much into it anymore. This is a bit of a bad habit from me because I end up ghosting a lot of my matches.


10. There Are Three Main Reasons Guys Ghost

I think at the end of the day there are three reason people ghost:

The other person has done something that deeply turned you off, a red flag or some sort of character flaw. Nah, pass.

You got what you wanted from them and have zero interest in pursuing anything further.

You didn’t get what you wanted from them and have no interest in being let down.( they play games, don’t try to be with you, make plans + break them)

At the end of the day, ghosting is a simple way of not being interested. You’re better off not taking it personally. No matter how attractive you are, smart, wealthy or accomplished you might be you WILL not and CANNOT be a perfect match for everyone. So while it might be a blow to your ego, just remember that when it fits with someone it’ll be worth the wait. But if you do something to self-sabotage yourself like in 3. then you have no one to blame but yourself in which case you could try to get them back through any method possible.

Best not to play games I learned that the hard way. Tried making this chick wait on me (hard to get) and she ghosted. I’ve been trying to take it back ever since.


11. Ghosting Is Often Mutual

100% of the time when I “ghost” someone, they never reached out to contact me either, so I don’t feel bad about it. If they do reach out to me and I’m not interested, I’ll let them know.


12. Because He Puts Himself First

Probably because of two things:

I realized that I carried most of the conversation and made most of the effort to contact the girl in question, so I leave it to her to initiate the next conversation.


Even though we hit it off, there was something I noticed that was a huge red flag and have decided that it’s too much of a mess for me to put any more time into. For example, I hit it off with a girl who turned out to be a major alcoholic.

For what it’s worth, I hate ghosting people, so generally option 2 is the main reason why I ghost and I still do feel bad about it. But, I have to look out for my own mental and physical health first.


13. Was Ghosted Before He Started Ghosting

I’ve ghosted lots of people. Well, some. I didn’t start that way, it just sort of developed into that.


First, it happened to me, a lot. Having someone disappear became as normal as water tasting wet. At first, that offended me, but the more I thought about it, the more it just seemed like a practical matter. When you aren’t interested, you don’t owe anyone anything. No second chance, advice, or closure. In fact, providing those things can go oh-so-wrong when the other person won’t take no for an answer.

Second, I was online dating, and it quickly became clear that there were different expectations in play. I exchanged reams of amusing emails with people that never showed up to a first date. I put a lot of effort in, didn’t matter. They wanted low effort attention and validation, I was wasting my time. It slowly occurred to me that my time had a value, even when dating. People were perfectly happy to use me, without a second thought. Why was I extending consideration I wasn’t getting?

Finally, I realized that it was ok to notice and act on red flags. 38 and going to school with no work experience and no kids? A string of abusive relationships? Special needs child, picture doesn’t match person, crazy religion, trouble with Johnny law? Ok then, this was interesting and I should be going.

Anyhoo.. I’m not proud of it, but it just seems to be the law of the land. While it seems pretty crappy, it’s actually reasonable for pragmatic reasons.


14. Pre-emptive Ghosting

Personally? Insecurity. I convince myself that they were mistaken, and wouldn’t want to really bother with me, so I’ll do them the favor and not contact. If they do, then fine, but then they never do, so “I was right, I suppose.”


15. They Were Kept Waiting

I just didn’t feel she was that into me and basically cut my losses. If you’re too busy to meet up in the next few weeks, that’s fine, but I’m neither holding my breath nor reinitiating.


16. It’s Not Ghosting If It’s Early On

I don’t really consider it “ghosting” if you just met.

If you have 1 or 2 dates and then decide its not for you? You have no responsibility to that person. Sex can complicate this, sure.

I have been on dates where I just didn’t feel it. Or the post-date contact was off. So I just forgot about it. Whatever.

People who actually slowly or immediately vanish on someone once expectations are forming? Yeah, that is bad.


17. Sometimes Ghosting Is Kinder

I’ve done this several times – although I would never ghost on someone after making plans for another date or something like that. Generally, I ghost during the initial communication phase or after a first date. Any more than that and I will say I’m not interested.

Anyway, I’ve ghosted for a number of reasons, even if I gave the impression the first date went well. Most recently, the girl was just way too meek for me despite having similar interests. After a few texts after the first date, I just realized she wasn’t what I was looking for and kind of stopped responding. I’ve also had points where she seemed really interested and it freaked me out because I wasn’t totally sure I was ready for a relationship. I regret that one, but oh well.

My own perspective is also that I’d rather get ghosted on that than told they aren’t interested. I know not everyone feels this way, but to me, someone flat out saying they aren’t interested, even if they’re nice about it, stings a lot more than getting ghosted on. The ghosting makes it easier to dismiss the person and move on IMO.


18. He Found Someone Else

Found another girl and don’t want to tell you as it might hurt your feelings. Easier to just disappear.


19. It’s Become Work

It all comes down to if it is more work talking to them then the pleasure I am getting from them. So if I find things out that starts me thinking that this isn’t such a good match or I have to do the bulk of the communication (which happens a lot!) the fun flirty chatting starts to feel like work, and then I lose motivation to do it.


20. He’s Keeping His Options Open

I actually confronted someone who ghosted on me after it happened and he said it was because he didn’t want to hang out anymore but didn’t want to never hang out, and wanted to leave things open ended. So instead of breaking things off, he kind of just… stopped replying.


21. Sometimes It’s Just Like The Lottery

Guys are expected to cast the big net. We have to hit on you, start the conversation all that and guys tend to be (least in my experience) be talking to about 5 or 6 girls at once.

He can’t date you all so eventually some of you get cut off.
Guy’s face rejection at the start, girls face rejection a little bit later.
Doesn’t even mean didn’t like, but that one of his other options was better.

crogi Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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