1. She’s Faithless
That she will watch shows we started together without me. It’s so hurtful.
2. He’s A Living Methane Rig
How gassy my husband is. The moment we got home from the courthouse he let one rip and hugged me saying I have to accept this now. He’d never farted in front of me before.
He farts so much.
3. He’s A Morning Person
After dating for seven years and well-establishing that I like to sleep in when I don’t have plans, we got married. Suddenly, idk why, apparently “we” had a bedtime AND in the morning, it was suddenly “time for us to get up.” Had to have a stern conversation with my morning-person husband about that real quick. If there’s stuff we have to do, yeah sure, but if it’s a lazy Sunday, leave me alone and go play video games alone.
4. She’s A Secret Clown
My wife can make balloon animals and I never knew it. One day were sitting at home with the kids and after I brought home the wrong type of balloons out of nowhere she twists up a dog, then a monkey.
5. She’s Food Jealous…Possibly Food Aggressive
My wife turned out to be extremely food jealous. If I am eating something that looks and tastes better than what she is eating, she gets pretty upset if I don’t offer her any.
6. That He’s Basically A Puppy
That rice crispy treats are his favorite “baked” good. He had never so much as mentioned them before to me. Two years married and suddenly- this bombshell! Out of the blue!
But seriously: after we got married I realized that he wasn’t as calm as he seemed.
He can actually get very anxious (like a normal human being) and if he doesn’t do something active for a few days (work out, run, etc) he gets hyper like a 3 year old on a sugar high- manic, can’t sit still, loud singing….
It’s quite something to behold.
7. He’s An Opener And She’s A Slammer
I found out my husband leaves everything open. So every drawer, door, cabinet, etc. that he opens will stay open.
He also found out I’m even clumsier than he thought and on my way to close one cabinet or drawer I will definitely hit my head on an open cabinet or trip over a drawer.
Now he only leaves a few cabinets open at a time… Progress!
8. He Is A Llama
He’s very much like a llama. Upset him at just the right time and he’ll completely lose his appetite and refuse to eat for a while.
9. That Their Hates Perfectly COmplement
He hates grocery shopping, like would rather clean the toilet than pick up more than 2 things at the grocery store. It kind of works though, because I hate cleaning the bathroom.
10. He Takes Husbanding Very Seriously
That he takes the title of “husband ” very seriously. It’s almost like I married a different person that’s way more responsible than the person I dated. He dragged his feet to get a job and contribute when we were dating, and now he’s kicked it up ten notches.
11. That He’s A Secret Saint
That he supported his buddy’s family financially while his buddy spent a year in federal prison, not “England” as everyone else was told. My husband kept his buddy’s employment open by doing his buddy’s job as well as his own job during that year.
Thought of another one. We were married about three years before I found out he had once given his cousin a stack of signed, blank checks because she was a single mom and struggling to pay her bills.
12. She’s An Audience Of One
She only laughs at her own jokes. Like, she’ll laugh after I say something, but it’s only because she’s thinking something funnier in her head. She’s her own best comic.
13. That He’s Not Human
He had never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life, and I found this out when we were married for more than five years. I made him his first pb&j when he was 30, and he was blown away by how good it was.
14. He Sleep Talks
About to celebrate 2 months of marriage, so I’m still part of the newlywed club. My husband and I didn’t live together until after we got married and I discovered his sleep talking…which happens almost every night. He’s had full conversations with me thinking my name was Steve-o, yelled “two players now, who’s going down,” but my personal favorite is when he rolled over and said, “I just know it’s gonna be a Happy Halloween soon.”
15. That A Girl’s Hair Claims Territory
The shedding. My god, the shedding. I’d like to put a long sleeve shirt on without getting one of her hairs stuck between my fingers on the way through the sleeves. Man, I remember what that was like.
16. That They’re Both As Boring As They Seem
That she leads a pretty boring life. Just like me. I expected everything to change, but instead it was just pretty much the same as before we got a piece of paper.
Everyone else told me things would change but they haven’t. I also suspect that my children will be pretty boring people as well.
17. That Birthdays Died For Him When He Was Eight
No one came to his 8th birthday party after his dad died and even now he gets too much anxiety over birthday parties to have them for himself.
18. He Didn’t Know How To Clean
He’s literally never cleaned a thing in his life. No idea how to vacuum, clean a toilet or a shower… it was interesting.
He’s much better now.
19. That Her Parents Would Do Anything To Destroy Them
I knew her parents didn’t like me because of my race, but I underestimated her family’s aggressiveness towards our marriage. She went from very close to her family to estranged in a matter of weeks. Even her mother and cousins stopped speaking to her.
Her father threatened that she would be dead to the family if we got married and actually followed through when we did. The amount of psychological terror they unleashed upon her appalled me. We were 100% compatible in a vacuum but the stress that was pushing on us from every side was enormous.
We divorced just short of 18 months of marriage.
20. Fog Horn
That her butt functions as a low level fog horn some mornings.
21. That She Was Gay
That she was gay. This is significant because I am straight and assumed she was as well.
22. He Had A Taint Mustache
He has a really hairy taint. Like a mustache. But he has relatively sparse body hair everywhere else.
We tried to wax it once.
23. Farts Are Her Whole World
The extent to which she thinks farts are funny. She let on that they were humorous before we got married, but now I realize she thinks they’re goddam hilarious. A good fart can always put a smile on her face.
24. She Became The Crunchiest Mom Who Ever Crunched
My wife has very strong opinions on natural foods, added sugars, preservatives, and organic growing methods. After we got married I noticed that several staples of my diet were slowly being phased out. The other shoe didn’t fully drop until we had kids, at which point everything was evaluated for content before purchase, and many things were just barred from being brought into the house.
This isn’t a bad thing, I’m healthier than I have ever been in my life, but she didn’t show any of the signs of being this crunchy before we got married.
25. That Anxiety is Real
I’d known that he’d struggled with anxiety and depression throughout his life, but about 5 months after the wedding it really hit hard. We’d just bought a car because he’d been doing well at his first full time job. The stress off needing to work or else crashed down so hard that had to stop completely. The panic attacks were so severe and frequent that he nearly couldn’t leave the house. He couldn’t drive to work because he’d shake so violently and his arms and legs would go numb. Every morning around 4am he’d wake up to try to go to work and I’d stop him. We’d sit in the dark until he calmed down enough to play a video game for a while. These attacks would happen around 5 times a day. They’ve dissipated since he formally left the job and we decided that my income was technically enough. I had no idea that anxiety attacks could be that severe, and I wish I could take them away for him, at least so that he could get more out of life. Since we decided he won’t work outside of home, we’ve started a family and he’ll soon be a stay at home dad for our son. Instead of filling my husband with anxiety or terror, I’ve never seen him so excited and confident in himself.
26. That He Was One Of Those People
That he has a THIRD middle name.
He gets a pass though, because he didn’t know either. And his amazing pinnacle of love and devotion, his mother, also forgot, and when shown the birth certificate showing a third middle name, wondered aloud, “Now why did I do that?”
27. She’s Not Sarcastic, She’s Mean
Before we got married I loved how sarcastic she was. After we got married I realized she wasn’t sarcastic at all, just mean. We’re still happily married, though.
28. You Learn Lots Of Things When You Share A Car
My wife and I discovered horrifying things about each other, because after we married we shared one car.
I will drink a coffee that has been out all day. It’s normal for me to put a giant jug of iced coffee in the car and then sip from it intermittently for many hours.
My wife, it turns out, often feels congested. She’ll discreetly hock a gigantic loogie into any discarded coffee cup nearby.
I would drive the car in the morning, then we’d switch midday and she’d take it for the afternoon, then I’d take it back in the evening.
Twice I picked up my neglected coffee and took a loooong draw. The straw was blocked, needed lots of suction, and then something icy and slimy slithered into my mouth.
We have two cars now and I keep them both stocked with tissues at hand.