The Glasses Theory

Disclaimer: I am fully aware of the superficiality of this theory. Nothing written below is meant to be taken seriously.
New Girl
New Girl

When I was in first grade, in a scheme to obtain a pair of glasses, I lied to my parents and told them that I couldn’t see the classroom board clearly. As any responsible parents would do, they made me an appointment with the eye doctor. I felt excited on the way there, knowing that I would be coming home with a shiny, new pair of glasses. To my surprise it would not be that easy. The doctor began his tests and the moment the puff of air hit my eyeballs; I jumped out of my seat and admitted that my eyesight was perfect. It turns out I don’t like shit touching my eyes. I revealed that I had made the whole thing up simply because I wanted to wear a pair of glasses to school. I got a lollipop and possibly a referral to the school psychologist and went home empty handed.

Most children dreaded the curse of having bad eyesight, destined for a life of being called “four eyes” or “nerd.” But, I had this gut feeling deep down that one day, girls at bars wearing hipster-style glasses would get hit on more than girls not wearing glasses…or I was just desperate for attention in any way I could get it. But the first one sounds better.

“The Glasses Theory” is a scientific hypothesis (and by scientific hypothesis, I mean a thing I totally made up) that states, “Women who are wearing glasses will get approached by men (particularly in bars) more often than they would if they are not wearing glasses.”

This hypothesis was developed as a result of the following factors:

  • Personal accounts of girls I am friends with
  • A brief period of being completely over the bar scene
  • A touch of boredom
  • About 5 vodka sprites
  • My affection for using the word “hypothesis”

Several of my friends noticed that on the nights that they skipped out on the contacts and wore their glasses to the bar; they were approached much more than usual. After hearing this same observation time and time again, the “Glasses Theory” was born. Since I am not one to let an opportunity to test out scientific hypotheses pass me by, and mostly because I have too much time on my hands, I ventured over to the mall and in the name of science, bought myself a fake pair of glasses. They were only ten dollars, so relax.

So far, I’ve only had the opportunity to test it out one time. Several different people approached me that night, but it is difficult to say whether it was because I was wearing the glasses or because I was wearing extremely tight pants. That was poor planning on my part. One guy in particular mentioned the glasses and asked if he could try them on. I enthusiastically went to hand them over, and then I remembered that the lenses were made out of plastic. Left with the option of being a liar or an overly possessive person who refused to share, I chose option A. I would have enjoyed the awkwardness of him confronting me for wearing fake glasses to a bar. I let him try them on and to my surprise, he responded, “Damn! Your eyes are really messed up! I can’t see shit!” It was then that I realized the kid was absolutely hammered and couldn’t see straight PERIOD. Revert back to the part where I said I was completely over the bar scene. This is what we have to work with, ladies…guys who can’t tell the difference between a piece of plastic and a prescription lens.

With the help of my friends, I have come up with a few possible reasons as to why wearing glasses would make a girl seem more attractive or more approachable in order of likelihood.

They are an easy conversation starter. “Hey, I like your glasses.” “Hi, nice glasses.” An accessory that sets you apart creates a reason for a guy to talk to you and might come off as less creepy than “Hello stranger who I know absolutely nothing about, can I buy you a beverage and therefore guilt you into speaking to me for at least 5-10 minutes until you make up some excuse to get away from me?” Complimenting the glasses costs him 8-10 dollars less than buying you a drink. Note: This also applies to patterned leggings. Guys will refer to them as “pants” but just go with it.

Who has the time to sift through all of the different blondes and brunettes who start to slowly morph into one another after a few drinks? I mean they ARE all wearing some variation of cheetah print so it isn’t really the male population’s fault. His thought process: “That girl is wearing glasses. I can remember who she is if I run into her again later and identify her in a group shot on Facebook if she friend requests me. I shall speak to her.”

Girls in glasses look more innocent/wholesome and therefore less intimidating. A lot of guys are into the whole “girl next door” look and sometimes glasses help perpetuate that persona.

Girls in glasses = sexy librarian/teacher. Sexy librarians/teachers are in porn. Guys like porn. Guys like girls in glasses. #MATH #SCIENCE.

“This is stupid,” you might be thinking to yourself. Well, you’re right. It is stupid. But, it also appears to be true. Below I have added some personal accounts to prove it.

Personal accounts of the Glasses Theory:

“I think certain glasses can work in a girl’s favor as a conversation piece or even a conversation starter, mainly because of the librarian and/or teacher fantasy that most men seem to hold. But it’s not going to automatically turn the girl-next-door into a runway model…It’s also interesting to note that as a male who wears glasses, I’ve been hit on by more guys who mention my glasses than I have by girls. Like, a lot more. So maybe it’s just biologically an aphrodisiac for men, regardless of their sexual orientation.” – Mike King, real life glasses wearer

“It totally freaking works. Whether they are prescription or nonprescription, guys love them. There have been many a time when I wear my glasses to the bar simply because my eyes are rejecting my contacts and BAM! They flock to you like you’re giving away free blowjobs. Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic but still, guys cannot resist a girl in glasses. They are a great conversation starter and usually attract decent men who can actually hold a conversation. I say when in doubt, break out the glasses.”- Rachel Van Beke, trusted friend and wearer of glasses

So there you have it. Guys like girls (or apparently other dudes) in glasses. Does this mean girls like myself with 20/20 are destined to die alone? That is definitely a possibility but it won’t be because of the Glasses Theory. It will most likely be because of my ability to eat an entire Dominos pizza by myself but that is neither here nor there. For now, glasses are in and I vote that we blame Zooey Deschanel. I don’t even think she wears glasses but I like blaming her for my shortcomings. Okay, we’ll say Tina Fey because I can’t think of any other celebrities who always wear glasses right now. Damn you, Tina Fey. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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