This year, I finally let you go.
If someone had told me that a year ago, I would have been thoroughly convinced that our time wasn’t up yet. I would have been deluded about how toxic you were to me and believed all that you did were for my own good. I would have argued and fought with anyone that tried to tell me that I deserved better.
Because I simply didn’t believe so. It’s funny yet scary how my mind worked. How stubbornly I can cling onto illusion and started thinking it was real. How I can completely be in denial mode of what was happening.
Maybe it was my past history of how no relationship had worked for me. Maybe it was because of my insecurities that deep down; I was a very wrecked and unhappy person. Maybe I was attracted to your darkness and chaos seeing as I was accustomed to it. Maybe it was easier to tolerant whatever out of line behavior of yours than to face the hard truth that this wasn’t working out. Maybe it was less scary to be in a relationship than to get used to being single again.
Maybe it was all of that or other unknown reason because I found myself sticking around trying to revive a dying relationship. I tried to be the ideal person in your mind and straying away from the core that made me myself. I harbored desperate hope that one day, you would change and loved me.
I kept trying until one day, you crossed the line and something in me snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to how toxic you were and how my sanity was slipping away. I couldn’t go on a day without dreaming of breaking free from you and walking away.
Thinking back, I was in awe by the amount of effort I put in to try and prolong our separation.
I have loved you to the best of my ability, to the depth of my heart, and I swore until my last breath. And I have lost you each time you broke my trust and disregarded my worth. I have lost you each time you gave me glimpses of what I thought was the real you only to be thrust back to reality the next day when you became even more aloof. I have lost you each time I was deathly afraid of losing you perhaps because you were never mine to lose.
Letting you go is one of the hardest thing I’ve done. It’s not just releasing my hold on you or removing you from my life. It’s the idea that what we could have that was killing me. The hopes and dreams of the future. The memories of what we used to have. The brutal truth that we’re better off without each other.
This year, I have finally decided to let you go. I know that this is the best thing I can do for myself. I know that next year at this time, I would be glad I did. By then, I would be truly over you.