It used to be enough, or at least that was what I thought.
You showed up when you felt like it and I was all too eager for any attention you gave me. You pacified me with patronizing words of how you cared for me, swept me away with all your pretty texts, and misled me into thinking you have feelings for me.
And all I saw was what I wanted to see. The potential of what you could be and what we could have.
My life has been reduced to when you want me and when you don’t. My feelings have revolved around the highs and lows of your erratic behavior. I have resorted to any explanation for your callous words, your cold indifference, and your volatile temper.
You were like an actor so flawless in your craft that I was left reeling at your ovation. A magician that had me spellbound and unable to differentiate what was real and what was not. A romancer that took my breath away and subsequently stole my heart from me.
And I’ve decided I’m done.
I don’t need you to fill my days with happiness and joy when it is only fleeing. I don’t need you to replace the void in my heart when you are only going to crush it. I don’t need you to love me when I have to question it. I don’t need you in my life when I have to try so hard to make you stay.
I broke my own heart the day I believed you won’t break mine. I fell from grace the moment I first began to thirst after you. I lost the battle when I thought I could build love amidst your destructive ways. I met my ruins when I trusted you not to hurt me.
It wasn’t love at first sight. It was fatal attraction. It wasn’t destiny. It was explosive collision that crashed. You weren’t a blessing but a bane to my existence. You weren’t a fallen angel but a monster without a soul. You weren’t any savior but a grim-reaper that intended to take every ounce of my love until there was nothing good of me left.
<emYou are capable of love. You just cannot love me.
And I realize now that it is okay. In life, not everyone we like will like us back. That doesn’t mean there’s anything fundamentally wrong with me or unlovable about me that drive people away. Sometimes it is as simple as how we are just two very different people who are not suitable for each other. And there is nothing wrong with that.
I have to let go of the wrong people to allow the right people into my life. I must know what type of relationship I don’t want to attract the one I want.
So here’s to me. It may be difficult at the beginning but I’m choosing myself over you. I’m busy living my own life to care that you are not in it. I’m spending time with people I love instead of fretting about whether you loved me back. I’m putting myself first and frankly, you are the last of my concerns.