I Hate How Much I Want You

I hate how we have known each other for a while now, yet I barely know you.

We can talk from the crack of dawn to nightfall, but it is nothing of substance. Just nonsensical rambling. Mumbles of promises that have no place in the faraway future.

We are irresistibly drawn to each other yet the truth remains that we are just fleeing company to each other, and sooner or later, our time will run out.

For one day, you will get on with your life and me—I will be left behind.

I hate how much you matter to me, yet I cease to exist. When I’m with you, I get so taken with you that I forget how to breathe. You are like the puppet master, manipulating my every move and molding me to the vision you desire. When we are together, I am drowning to keep up with you, and feeling way out of my depth. In your all-large presence, I feel suffocated and I choked trying to make my feelings known to you.

I hate how I love you so much that I fall out of love with myself.

Everything you swore you will do but did not. Every piece of forgotten promise. All the shattered dreams. Every flickered-out hope. Every last shred of my unrequited love. Every relic of my broken heart. I blame it on myself. For if I am really good enough, Why won’t you love me back? How can you hurt me like this? When you ignore me, it leads me to question my self-worth. When you reject me, I grow to hate myself.

I hate how you leave this void in me that seem impossible to be filled. Even your absence continues to torture me with no sign of reprieve from how much I miss you. How much I continue to want you in my life. How willing I am to slice open my heart and throw open the door to welcome you back into my life the minute you look my way.

I hate how you stop me from walking out of your life. Whenever my senses return, whenever I resolve to cut things off, whenever I thought I’ve reached my breaking point, you always manage to change my mind. To try one more time.

You are my eternal muse. My sunshine on the darkest night. My safe harbor for the shipwreck. My sturdy shelter after the hurricane. My everlasting hope that will not die. My sweet salvation for my dark abyss. My greatest lesson in love.

I hate how I don’t know where we are going from here. The future is uncertain, the circumstances are ever changing, and love is scary.

But I will not lose faith. I will not be afraid. For it is in darkness you know light. In adversity, you learn strength. In you, I find me.