I am unpredictable, volatile, blow hot and cold.
One moment I can bestow you with my sweetest smile and lean towards your embrace as through I never want to let you go, the next I will slam the door in your face as I swear to shut you out of my life forever.
I can spend days and nights in your company sharing our inside jokes, revealing secrets etched on our souls, and making promises for a faraway future.
And I will bail before the future comes. It may not be today or tomorrow, but one day when you least expect it, I will vanish into thin air without explanation or warning. Without any indication that I am capable of doing that.
I can dance into your life gracefully, hit all the right notes, and bow gratefully at the standing ovation you give me at the end of the night, yet won’t be found by you in the morning.
Leaving you with the lingering scent of me, the faint memory of my warmth, and the magical evening we spent.
You will ponder for a long time over the night again and again. Was it something you said? Something you did? Or did not do?
When you demand an explanation, there is only silence on my end. If you probe further, I can only offer an indifferent shrug and look at you with blankness and fumble out feeble excuses.
And I will not apologize. Not that you expect any. You just want the old me back. You just want us to continue as before. You want us back.
But don’t you see, there is no old me. Most importantly, there is no us.
I want him. I just want to want you.
I love him. I just love the idea of loving you.
However, I want to clarify that I am in no way using you. I am in no way still in love with someone else.
The times we had together were all real.
I thought back to how your hand eased easily into mine effortlessly, how you shield me from the rain, how you belted out my favorite tunes, how you kept me sane when I was beside myself with grief, how you could have gone to the end of the earth to make me happy, how you never forgot me despite the time and distance between us.
I guess if we continued as we were, perhaps I might’ve fallen in love with you. Or we might’ve really ended up together.
But the thing is, I do not want that.
I don’t want a love that is convenient, easy, and something that should come and feel naturally to be something that I need to try so hard. To try to muster any affection for you. To try to silent the dark echoes in my mind that I deserve better, you deserve better.
To force myself to picture us in the future when I could not see any. To ignore the red flags of our impending ending and my well deserved heartbreak. To waste our time in a doomed love.
So yes, I am difficult to love. I will test you. I disappear on a whim. I give mixed signals. I see the worst in a situation.
But if you do not give up on me, if you can withstand my antics, if you persist and love me as through I am your one and only, I promise you that I will love you with every ounce of my heart. I will see the goodness in you even when there seems to be none. I will never let you go.
I will make sure that the only thing unpredictable about me is how I will choose to love you every single day for the rest of my life.