Sometimes moving on can be unthinkable as the uncertainty is frightening.
Whether you have just lost someone or something important, whether you are just starting over on a clean slate or hanging by the thin thread trying to make it work, an uncertain future seems to cast more doubt over yourself.
It makes me paralyzed with fear. Drives me to do crazy things so that I can have some form of stability to cling onto in this wild reeling world. Keeps me awake at night and haunt my thoughts constantly. The reality is fine. Nothing threatening is happening to me. Yet all I can see is the ghost of my past lingering in every corner.
I used to leap before looking. Now before I can move, I’m frozen in fear with my demons screaming in my mind.
However I have learned to see that there is a tragic beauty when you hit rock bottom.
There is serenity and peace in the fact that you have nothing to lose. The flicker of hope that flares to life. The mindfulness of the presence. The raw strength when you have to pick yourself up. The content and happiness at the simple things. The gratitude of having your loved ones rallying behind you. The unyielding determination to keep going.
The unbreakable will you have to survive.
It shows us that the future is not set in stone and while what we have can evaporate in an instance, we can also have what we always dream of. Sometimes what we have is only in the present. And that is enough. I do not need any false sense of security or deceptive illusions of how great my future is going to be and how you are going to love me back.
I rather chase after my dreams, fill my heart with all my own love and positivity, and see you as who you really are- selfish, in the moment, temporary. I rather embrace uncertainty and be comfortable in my own skin than fret over how fleeing your love is or how I can extent your stay. I rather build a strong foundation for my future myself and water my own garden than wait for you chained to your side and be content with the tiny droplets you send me each day. I rather love myself more and more each day so that I can be a strong individual instead of waiting pitifully for any scrape of your affection you feel like throwing my way.
Instead of cowering in fear of the uncertain future, blinded by the shadows, stuck in constant anxiety of the future, plagued with intense self-loathing, I will throw up my hands and embrace it. Shake off the shackles. Yank off the ropes. Tear off the old me.
A new day beckons. The new chapter of my life.