This is how I cope when you are gone.
I pretend that you are dead. Just like how you cannot bring the dead to life, I cannot revive our love. Just like the finality of death, we have reached the absolute end. There are no more second chances, no more lingering glances, and no more unspoken words. Our love has run its course whether we want to admit it.
You the perpetrator, and I the unwilling victim.
I remove everything of you. No, don’t get me wrong. I do not hate you. I just want peace. And I cannot risk having your presence in my life or have you hovering in the background to destroy the fragile serenity I have build around myself.
It took me less than one day to remove all traces of you from my life. It will, however, take me more than a lifetime to remove you from my mind.
I learn to see the light after the dark endless tunnel. I begin to be grateful no matter the circumstances, no matter how unforgivable the acts, and no matter how terrible I hurt. For if I do not, I will resent you for your callousness at how easily you slip in and out of my life. I will hate you for your indifference at how little I mean to you when you choose to watch me burn just so you could. Most importantly, I will loathe myself for allowing you to. For giving you the permission to hurt me. For treating you as a priority while I remain your option and your side project. For thinking the world of you when you refuse to let me be a part of yours.
So instead, I will be grateful, be patient, be young, be wild, and be free.
I forgive you. Some things never change and that’s okay. Because I’ve changed. And what used to bother me no longer affects me. Rather than pursuing what is never meant to be or degrade my principles, I’m choosing to walk away.
I will be the bigger person and I will continue to see the good in you even when I have seen you as the monster you really are. Not for your sake but for my own. Because moving on is not about balancing the injustice or righting the wrong. It is about forgiving what happened because rebuilding my own life takes priority over disrupting yours.
Because I finally see I matter more than you.