To The One I Chose To Let Go

I hope you are well. I know I wasn’t able to explain everything to you. You know I tried, but you just didn’t care enough to listen.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss you, because a small portion of the heartache I used to feel still visits me whenever I remember that smile of yours. I loved you, as a matter of fact, I still do. But, that doesn’t mean I want us back. What’s funny is that even after everything you put me through, and all the harsh names you called me, I would never want you to experience the same pain I felt.

You may not like everything I say in this letter, but I’m writing it anyway to free myself from all the guilt, sadness, and hatred. I’m writing it for people like me, who poured out their love to someone whose heart is a bottomless pit, incapable of returning the love they receive.

“Thank you”

I know you’ll be wondering why I’m saying thank you after everything I said. I want to say thank you, for showing me how capable I am to love someone, even to the point of me giving up on myself. Thank you for letting me learn the consequences of pouring out all the love I have for you, only to feel empty when you decided my love will never be enough. Thank you, for constantly giving me reasons to leave even after trying to ignore all the red flags.

I remember during the first three years we were together, you were constantly seeking the attention of other girls. Unfortunately for me, being the “I-never-see-my-worth” kind of girl, I even begged you three times to stay and choose me over them. Again, unfortunately, you came back and chose me. I shouldn’t have ignored all your red flags, I shouldn’t have thought that “He will change, and eventually see my worth”. I kept on telling that to myself, until I realized that you will never change, simply because you do not want to.

Thank you, for all the adventures we had together. Those fun long drives that we had were one of the best memories I will cherish forever. It will be really unfair of me if I wouldn’t give you the credit for making me happy, because I was happy. Thank you for making me feel that I’m the best girl in the world during the times you don’t feel the need to make me feel like I was never worth it.

Thank you for letting me down and giving me the opportunity to receive the love I deserve from someone who is yet to come in my life.

“No, you’re not as irreplaceable as you think you are”

You’re not the best, or should I say, you’re not how you label yourself. Yes, you are charming, you got the looks, and you have the brain to choose the best words to manipulate and sweep a girl off her feet. I remember those times you felt the need to be cocky and tell me how lucky I am because all the other girls want you. I don’t know how I handled it when you said that, all I know is that I was shattered into pieces together with the very little pride I have for myself. I’ve always felt so insecure until I realized that it was you. Your cup of insecurity was overflowing that it started to drip onto my cup. I should have noticed that whenever I hear you bring other people down, just to feel better for yourself.

Remember that time I told you to always plant your feet on the ground? And how I noticed that you’re slowly becoming too full of yourself? You got mad at me, remember? You said that I was making you feeling insecure and that I was bringing you down. But I wasn’t, I was trying to let you realize your flaws so that you could be a better man, a man that I would want to marry someday.

Well, to be honest, I kind of hope that you are “irreplaceable”.  Because I wouldn’t want someone to replace you as the person who broke my heart a million times. Having you break me is already enough, believe me I don’t need another one like you.

I hope though, that I would be someone irreplaceable in your life. Not as a girl who was so stubbornly stupid, but someone who loved you so dearly even if it means letting go of my pride.

“Sorry”

Sorry if I wasn’t good enough. Sorry for all the mistakes I did. Sorry for everything I did that caused you pain. I’ll be really unfair if I say that you were the only one who caused pain in this relationship, because we both know we had our fair share of dirty laundries. Sorry, if I held on to you during those times that I should have let you go. Sorry for expecting too much from you. I shouldn’t have expected the same understanding and love I gave you because I knew from the start that it’s something you are incapable of. I should have realized that what we had was doomed right from the start.

I remember you saying that I was the stronger one in our relationship and that you were thankful that I would always try to be strong whenever you were weak. And for that I am sorry, sorry for pretending I was strong when every inch of me was breaking inside bone by bone. Maybe if I gave you a glimpse of how weak I was, you could have been strong for me too. I am sorry for not being strong enough this time that I’m finally letting you go.

“Goodbye, my love”

As cliché’ as it sounds, I’m hoping that there’s good in this goodbye. I’m saying goodbye to all the heartaches we had, even if it means saying goodbye to all our memories together. I’m saying goodbye so we will be able to open up ourselves to all the good things God is yet to offer. Maybe, God was there all along, trying to tell us “Hey, Don’t settle for what I have given you because I am here to offer more”. Goodbye to the 5 years of laughter, love, heartaches, and tears. I wish you well my love, and I hope that you’ll meet a strong woman, not someone like me who’s only good at pretending to be strong.

I wish you all the good things in life. It may sound unbelievable, but I think I will always have a heart that cares for you. Thank you for every memory we shared, the love, and all the pain. All those things made me grow as a person, and for that I will always be thankful. You’re not who you think you are, because you don’t have the power over me anymore. You don’t have the capacity to dictate how unworthy I am to be loved because right now I have already freed myself from you. I am sorry, if I chose to let you go; I am sorry, if I chose to love myself a little more this time. Goodbye, my love.