I’m sorry. But I know that sorry cannot take back everything I’ve put you through. It can never truly fix the way I hurt you. I got so used to always having you around that I seemed to forget that you had feelings, too. I was selfish. I know that now.
I wanted to keep you all to myself, but I didn’t want to be with you. I thought my lack of feelings for you gave me a certain control over you. I liked being in control for once, and that’s why I couldn’t let you go. I knew you weren’t going to one day stop responding to my texts or cheat on me with someone else because you were the one with feelings. I wanted to keep you close because I knew you were one of the only guys who would never hurt me.
I’ll admit, it felt good to know someone actually liked me, and you never seemed to mind that I didn’t ever reciprocate. You were there for me through it all: regrettable hookups, failed relationships, even just the stress of college. And yet you were still there. I was not the angel you thought I was. I didn’t even appreciate that I had you.
I always swatted away your advances like it was a fun little game, except you didn’t know we were playing. It was fun to have someone to flirt with when rejection from other guys was weighing on my mind. You were my greatest distraction, keeping my mind off of reality even just for a few hours every weekend. It felt good to be the one wanted for once after so many failed conquests and cases of unrequited love. But games are only fun for so long.
I could see it was starting to hurt you the way I was stringing you along, and that hurt me. After so long of downplaying your feelings and repressing my own, I realized something.
You were the type of guy I wanted to be with. Someone who could make me laugh even when I felt like crying on the inside. Someone who wasn’t going to let my flaws tarnish how I was in their eyes. Someone who was going to be there, even when I had hurt them.
You are the type of guy I’m meant to be with. And I know I can’t avoid that any longer.
You deserve better than me, that’s for sure, but I want to make myself better for you. I wish I had realized sooner that I was so lucky to always have you there. I just hope I’m not too late. I hope I can become the angel you always saw in me before.
I never should have friend zoned you. And you’ve been there for way too long. I don’t know why I friendzoned you in the first place. I think people often relegate others to the “just friends” category because they’re afraid to acknowledge their true feelings, whether good or bad, and risk losing a friend.
I never wanted to lose you as a friend by messing things up, but I think sometimes we need to mess up in order to see things clearly. And I know I messed up by friendzoning you. I don’t want to lose you, and I might have done that regardless.
I’m sorry it took me so long to realize my feelings that I had been pretending didn’t exist for so long. I do hope you’ll forgive me.