Ok, this is unusual territory for me because I’m not such a fan of ‘get your ex back’ tactics or strategies. That said, there are some impressive resources out there, which all make total sense but the problem I have with some of them, is that it’s all very well to get your ex back….but then what happens?
We want our ex back most when our emotions are on a kamikaze self-destruct mission. When the breakup is still raw and we’re a mere text message away from crazy town. We’re reactive and will do literally anything to get them back (regardless of why we broke up in the first place) and usually at the expense of our self worth, self-esteem, dignity and inner knowing that there probably needs to be some deeper work done before we could or should even consider getting back with them.
In this state, yes, you can use some tried and tested methods to get back with your ex and possibly, successfully, But then what happens after that when it’s time for Act 2, 3, 4 or even 5 of the s**t show that the two of you created?
Every breakup between the same two people each time, hurts harder, leads to more emotional exhaustion and strips yet another layer of self esteem leaving us even more emotionally vulnerable and weak – hence why we end up going back yet again.
So, I wanted to offer my take on how to get your ex back, which avoids all of that. Disclosure – there are no magic texts or things you can do/say that will have your ex back in your arms tonight. But hear me out because like most things in life, if you’re willing to play the long game, whatever the eventuality, you really can’t lose.
1) Commit to doing this for you.
This isn’t a going through the motions thing. I can’t guarantee that you will get your ex back and no relationship or dating expert can. This journey goes far deeper than getting your ex back and you’ll reap the benefits in all areas of your life too. So, just make a deal with yourself that for this next phase post breakup you’re going to put yourself first, take responsibility for yourself, be kind to yourself and do everything with compassion for yourself. Do we have a deal? Good! This experience is really going to show you the value and importance of mental toughness and resilience and that’s a great thing.
2) Disappear from your ex’s life (including their digital one) COMPLETELY.
If there is one thing that will push your ex further away, it’s reaching out to them, ‘accidentally’ bumping into them, commenting on their social media masquerading as being cool and unaffected and just trying to stay ‘friends’. It’s not attractive, it makes them see you as a full on PITA (pain in the ass) who won’t leave them alone and gives off a needy energy that screams pining ex.
If you worry that by disappearing your ex will forget you, believe me, in these cases it isn’t ‘out of sight out of mind’. The longer you’re off their radar entirely, the more curious they will become about what you’re up to and who you’re out with. And if it is out of sight out of mind, then they have given you a very clear path and message that it really is time to move on. Dealing with that is hard, but better it being immediate, clear and without any unnecessary and messy discussions about closure.
You also don’t need to tell your ex all your plans about moving on. Just do it. Being elusive will drive them nuts and from a general perspective, if you’re constantly telling people your intentions instead of showing them, the chances are those things won’t be aligned.
3) Move and get energised.
The absolute best go-to when you’re feeling down is focusing on your health, physical strength and body. When you’re feeling emotionally weak and vulnerable, it’s time to amp this all up big time. And because you’ve already made a commitment to stop putting all the focus on your ex, you’ll have time and space to focus on this part, right?!
Moving represents change and growth and this is what you need right now because you’re stuck in the past. If you need to make a few new lifestyle choices, brilliant. Get your greens in, move your body in some way every day and drink plenty of water. That is an amazing start and the obvious added benefit is that you’ll look pretty damn good too if you do this consistently 😉 When your ex hears on the grapevine about how smokin’ you look, that will feel great, but not in a validation way because that’s not what we’re going for. This small change that people comment on will show your ex that you’re taking responsibility for yourself and your life. They’ll see that your world not only goes on, but is thriving without them.
4) Get social. Be out and about.
Go and do things with friends. Be the organiser. Even if you don’t feel like doing this, switch off the Netflix right now because like in the earlier point, you want to be moving and the more social you can be, the less stagnant you are and the less time you’re having available to dwell. I don’t mean you have to start going out every day and night like the Tasmanian devil being the life and soul of every social gathering. You can still do low key things like yoga or even meditation classes if you feel you need something more on a soul level right now. If being social always seems to equate to going out getting wasted every night/weekend, that can be fun every now and then sure, but alcohol and emotional vulnerability aren’t exactly a match made in heaven, so try and focus more on activities where alcohol isn’t the core focus. The idea is that you go and be around people and do things you enjoy. Even if your ex doesn’t see you, they’ll hear about you or feel it energetically. I know that sounds weird but you can really feel when someone you have intense feelings for is out genuinely enjoying their life.
5) Don’t engage in conversation/banter/anything with your ex if they reach out.
Ignore them or if you really feel you have to, politely tell your ex that you don’t want to talk because it isn’t what you need right now. Be matter of fact. It isn’t rude, it’s merely defining your boundaries and is showing them that you’re being authentic in implementing those. It isn’t going against the plan of getting them back because you need space for all of these things you’re working on. Even if they get mad, so what, that’s for them to deal with not you. Right now you are your priority.
6) Don’t react and reach out if you hear they’re dating someone else.
You immediately lose all your power and they’ve probably moved on quickly to give their ego its fix and reassurance that they can get someone else. Don’t let this derail you. They will love it if you react because it proves to them that they still have a heavy impact on you. Like the other point – if they have moved on and it’s with someone they genuinely want to be with, that’s your pathway to completely exit this relationship emotionally. It feels painful now, but you’re not the sort of person to pine over an unavailable ex, regardless of how much you love/d them.
7) Don’t talk about your ex in public.
It isn’t congruent with moving forwards. It keeps you stuck in victim mentality street of heartbreakville, within your old identity and you 100% don’t want your ex hearing that you’ve been talking about them or crying over them.
8) Make an effort with your appearance whenever you go out.
Not for their benefit but for yours. When you make an effort, you have more confidence, you walk with more sass/attitude and you exude a completely different energy. Get out of those Primark trackies, put on an actual outfit, do your hair, smell good and look happy. Even if you don’t feel happy, if you consciously change your body language, smile and look happy, you’ll soon start to embody and feel it. Change your physiology and your emotions will soon follow.
9) Have a goal.
Strive for something. Have something to work towards that gives you a sense of accomplishment and the feeling that you’re really doing something beyond your comfort zone. Commit to it and give it 150%.
None of these are particularly groundbreaking. But I can’t tell you the number of people I work with who go through these fairly simple and straightforward steps and quickly begin to feel so empowered and noticing incredible shifts within themselves. The funny thing is, by fully putting themselves at the centre stage of their lives again, it makes them completely reassess the relationship with their ex, how they feel about them and what they now need in life moving forwards. It starts to break down codependency issues, redefines who you are as a person and makes you see the world with a different lens.
And if you do still want your ex back after you’ve spent all this time on yourself, the key question you want to be asking is have they done the work on themselves too? Will you get the respect, love and emotional investment that you deserve from them? Relationships all have varying dynamics but the one thing you can always guarantee is that how you treat yourself sets the bar for how other people treat you. All of the above steps in their own ways give you that time to really get introspective about what that means and what it looks like in reality. You can assess your own needs and if your ex doesn’t match up, you won’t be blinkered by how ‘perfect’ everything else about them/the relationship was.
Like I mentioned in step 2, if you’re constantly telling people your intentions instead of showing them, the chances are those things won’t be aligned. Let him or her show you that they value you and that they’re working on what went wrong from their side. By disappearing and doing all of this work on yourself, that will get his or her curiosity raised, sure. But is the challenge of getting you back then matched with the right intentions? At least now, you can review this from a completely new perspective AND the ball is fully in your court.