5 Things You’ll Inevitably Learn When You Get Back Together With Your Ex

It's easier to fall back into the same comforting patterns than to go through the heartbreak of not being in the relationship anymore.

By Laura Yates

Updated 10 years ago, September 15, 2014

It was like the romantic fairytale. We met at school when we were 15 and continued to date on and off until our late twenties when we decided that we wanted to be together for real. For forever. Unfortunately, the fairytale smokescreen of this relationship really clouded my judgement, mostly on what formed the basis to our relationship. The bad times outweighed the good, it was full of drama and there was a lot of emotional manipulation at play. Yet after breaking up, we’d always get back together a few months later. Finally, after reaching a point of emotional exhaustion and breaking up for the last time, I can at least impart to you the few things I’ve learned:

1. Those rose tinted glasses can often show up because of familiarity.

It’s easier to fall back into the same comforting patterns than to go through the heartbreak of not being in the relationship anymore. More often than not, those familiar patterns act more like bandages; covering the things that were wrong, but that will inevitably soon creep back in once the honeymoon stage of getting back together passes.

2. Your ex is your ex for a reason.

Unless some really radical changes have occurred in one or both people involved, those things that went wrong will continue to go wrong. Sometimes it isn’t even about doing things wrong. Sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be together. That can be hard to face, but when you make the decision to let go, there’s usually a huge sense of relief that comes with it.

3. It puts you under immense pressure.

While it’s not about keeping other people happy, the chances are the people around you who have your best interests at heart might have encouraged you to stay away and move on. They’ll have likely been there through your tears, anger and frustration. By walking right back into the arms of the person that caused you the pain, it puts even more pressure on you to make the relationship work so you can prove to them that you made the right decision. There’s just something about this entire process that can make you feel like you’re putting on a front and will thus cause you immense discomfort.

4. It’s a pattern that becomes hard to break.

Think of the last time you broke up; your heart in pieces, the physical and emotional exhaustion. That sinking feeling that hits you every day you wake up. Believe me, it doesn’t get easier the more times you go through it with the same person. And each time you do, the more bitter, resentful and distrusting you both become of one another. These things are not congruent with a loving, healthy relationship. You have a choice to not go through that again and again.

5. You’re shutting yourself off from the right people.

I let some potentially wonderful men pass me by because I was so hung up on my ex; particularly during that in-between stage of not being together but knowing it was only a matter of time before we’d reunite. I fell into the tunnel vision trap with my ex always being at the end of that tunnel while I ignored every other possible partner who would have been much better for me. Don’t waste the opportunity to open yourself up to people who are more worthy of your time, love and emotional investment.

Once you get to the point where you recognize that you are much better off on your own than in a relationship that doesn’t serve you, that really is the battle won. And then, when you are ready, there are billions of people on this planet — every day is an opportunity to meet someone amazing! Don’t invest your time in that one person who, in your heart, you know isn’t right for you. Don’t go back there. There are people out there who you won’t fight all the time with, who make things easier for you and who allow you to always be yourself. And it’s these characteristics that make relationships great.