21 Things I Want for My Birthday

1. Roseanne, Gilmore Girls, MASH, and City of Gold on Instant Netflix. Also every single other television show ever made on Instant Netflix.

2. To be haunted by a ghost who—despite terrorizing me, and our shared sexual tension—becomes one of my best friends.

3. For it to be a federal offense to send the text message: “k.”

4. No one to ever say the word “tankini” to me.  Unless you’re talking about a tiny tank that shoots acorns and is driven by a squirrel. Talk to me about that as much as you want.

5. Smell-free farts.

6. For the entire series of Dawson’s Creek to be reshot and rebroadcast starring an actor that is not James Van Der Beek. Or with James Van Der Beek playing all the parts.  I’m pretty ambivalent about James Van Der Beek; I just want to see some action.

7. A rice cooker within which I can time-travel, but also that makes really flavorful rice.

8. A Shirley Temple drinking fountain.

9. Dental insurance. (It’s just the responsible thing to do considering how much grenadine I’m going to be consuming from that drinking fountain.)

10. A super relaxed and casual pizza party inside the skull of the Statue of Liberty.

11. Street cart hot pretzels to never cost more than $1.

12. A $100 gift certificate for street cart hot pretzels.

13. To be 17 for one day in 2013, so I could redo my prom with a girl date. Also, to be 65 for one day in 2013, so I could se a movie for cheap.

14. To get to choose the next location for the Olympic Games and to choose The Jungle. Will it be slightly more difficult to run the 400m hurdles through impenetrable vegetation? Yes. But it will also be good television. Continent:TBA.

15. A cure for gluten allergies. I don’t have them. I’m just really tired of hearing people complain about people with gluten allergies.

16. A new state law that anyone over the age of 18 caught eating baby vegetables has to make a baby out of the remaining vegetables and carry it around in a BabyBjörn for no less than two weeks.

17. A wave pool in my backyard. Also, I will need some kind of wave pool bouncer to stop the rats that live in my backyard from getting into the wave pool.  Or at least a rat-free swim for fifteen minutes every hour. I just really hate it when pools are crowded.

18. LEGOS for adults that are made of cheese. Or just lots of different kinds of cheeses.

19. Some kind of leave-in conditioner or cream rinse to detangle my earbuds. Or just a really good boombox and some cassettes.

20. A snackfood company to actually begin manufacturing Sabor de Soledad.

21. A diamond puppy. Wait, I see how that could be confusing. I want a living, breathing, puppy made of diamonds.